Managers Special

Saturday I went to Trailer Park School (TPS) and quickly realized not everyone is cut out for this game. Believe it or not, there is ALOT to learn. Our teacher was an old sock and sandal, pleated front Docker, loud cotton plaid shirt wearing kind of hippy trained in the ways of space rental and knew the answer to every tough question thrown at him. He was good, reaaaaal good. He knew everything anyone would ever want to know about barking dogs and cars in the yard. Domestic violence? Been there. Meth labs? Done that. Trust me when I tell you, this man had mad skills.

The class started at 10:00 and we broke for lunch somewhere around 11:00. I was already feeling drained and we still had another five hours to go. I knew I was going to have to fuel up on our Costco "catered" lunch and drink as much of the burnt no name coffee as my taste buds would allow. It was going to be a very long day and I had forgotten the attention level required to keep up on such an intense course of study. That, and I haphazardly chose a bad bra that morning that was relentlessly poking into my armpit.

Our trailer park, "Aching Acres" was constructed in the late sixties or early seventies by my Grandfather who understood that the right and only way to do things was his way. This entire farm was built on the understanding that if it works, it's good enough. Come to find out some forty years later, that may not always be the case when it comes to state standards. Needless to say I have been graced by our local government on the ways and costs of bringing things up to code.

Ok, ok, ok so back to TPS. Everything was going smoothly, except for this one old seasoned PM (park manager to those of you out of the TP lingo loop) decided to pull rank on me and let her inner bitch out. I am telling you, this old bag reeked of Pall Malls and gin and wouldn't crack a smile for love nor money. As soon as she found out I wasn't using official Oregon lease agreements or using any other official documents or even doing anything officially she almost lost her mind and quickly decided it was her job to let me have it. All day. Her retinas must have burned to the point of blindness from giving me the stink eye for over four hours, and I don't know if her face hurt or not, but it was killing me. So, I just kept smiling and asking stupid questions to see if she would implode and melt into a puddle of cheap booze and ash. I think the elastic in the waistband of her stretch denims must have been to tight, because there's no other reason to be that big of a bitch.

Anyway, I made it and I'm now "certified" by the state of Oregon and the powers that be to correctly run a mobile home facility.



On a sad note, our one-legged chicken died last night. I guess it's for the best as it would have been difficult to find crutches or a prosthesis that small, but we are all still very saddened by her passing. The utility room just won't be the same without her peeping and flopping.

R.I.P Lucky ❤

Get a Haircut & Get A Real Job

I have some stinky news to report.

Today I'm going to start looking for a job and that really blows because I would rather not have a job.

I wish I got royalties from previous husbands.

*Note to self, look into licensing rights before #7.

I really liked my job at Home Depot last year for about a week and then my legs and feet and all my other bones and joints  froze up and quit working and that REALLY sucked. So I guess I need a job where I can sit or stand and I would really like it if I could facebook and talk to people and maybe watch t.v and do crafts and I would LOVE it if I could lay down if I got to tired at my new job.

It sounds like my dream job is being a resident in a nursing home.

Do you know what my other dream job would be? Writing kids books about the farm. One would be about Pooter and Pearl and the adventures they go on and the things that they see.



And another might be about Pepper and Pansy and the places they go and the things that they don't see (because Pepper is blind.)



And then of COURSE there would be a story about Belle and Buddy herding sheep and chasing cows because who doesn't love a story about a lamb and border collie who are co-workers.



I would call them "Fat Bottom Farm" books. Fun huh? I know. But I bet I wouldn't get paid in time to pay the electric bill. Oh well.

Pooter is feeling better. He can walk about ten feet at a time now.



Last Wednesday Wyatt found one of the new chicks in the barnyard with a wonky leg. It looked like someone had stepped on her or something, so we looked her over and put her in a box in the utility room overnight. The next day she was much improved so we put her in Buddy's old playpen with some hay in the garage. Friday morning she looked great and I was going to put her back out with the other chickens right after I fed everyone. Apparently Bart decided to help her out first and accidently pulled her leg off. Believe it or not, Bart likes the chickens, so in his mind he really was helping and I'm sure was just as shocked as you or I would have been had one of us mistakenly pulled her leg off. Anyway, the garage looked like a crime scene as the cooling corpse lay before me so I did what ANYONE would do and wrapped her in a sheet and placed her in the refuse recepticle. As the day went on I was having horrifying flashes of the posessed talking doll from an early 1960's Twighlight Zone episode where a SOB stepfather (played by a young Telly Savalas) took away a little girls favorite doll and tried to cut the head of with a ban saw in the garage but the saw wouldn't cut through and the doll continued to taunt him so he put the doll in the garbage can but then she got out and made her way upstairs and Telly found her in the bed and then fell to his death as he tripped and fell down the stairs trying to escape. Anyway, the chicken wasn't evil, but all day I was afraid she wasn't dead either but I was afraid to go look so when 6 got home he checked and she was STILL alive! Barely. So anyway we warmed her up and doctored what used to be her leg and now she lives in the utility room. She's really friendly albeit a bit leary of Barty, and eating and acting like any other one legged chicken.



This morning when I went to make Wyatt's lunch I opened the fridge and it looked like this...



Mmmmm... Cherry cheesecake. It's whats for breakfast.

I opened the lunch drawer and it looked like this...



Then I looked over to the other drawer and discovered that neurotic #6 had made his own lunch drawer and arranged it like this...



So I did this...



Trust me, he'll freak out and break into a sweat when he see's it >)

Tomorrow if I don't have a job yet I'll tell you about trailerpark school.

This & That

I wonder how many times I can vow to keep current on the blog...

Pooter is sick. Last Friday he was trying to jump up on the bed and couldn't get off the ground. We figured it was a weight issue, helped him up and didn't give it another thought. Saturday he was walking wonky. Sunday he wasn't able to walk or even sit up so first thing Monday morning we were at the vet and they think he has a slipped disc. Pooter needs his own pharmaceutical cabinet now and will require a twelve step program to get off the "junk" by the time this is over and Wyatt can forget about those two years we had planned out for him at the local vocational technical institute because veterinary care ranks right up there with the cost of neurosurgery and I figure we will all be eating cat food by the end of the month.



While I was in the Vet's office with Poo on Monday my cell phone rang. I silenced it and like a real jack ass said, "haha, I hope that isn't Wyatt's school calling." The phone immediately rang again and it was 6 asking why I didn't answer the phone when Wyatt's school called. Turns out, Wyatt got broadsided by some moose while playing four square. Wy landed hard on the black top with two tons on top of him and was pretty banged up and I'm fairly certain he had a concussion considering he broke out in a shirt drenching sweat and his pupils were the size of dinner plates. I called his pediatrician and she said to take him in to the E.R, but we don't have insurance so I decided that since I watch a lot of doctor shows on t.v I could monitor him myself. Lucky for us he came through like a champ.

Today is the first middle school dance and Wyatt and LeeAnn are going together. Afterwards, she is riding the bus home with him and spending the night because Friday night is swim night at the Molalla Pool. I bet Wyatt is the only kid who's date for the dance spends the night :)



Wendy moved back in with her douche bag boyfriend and thats all I have to say about that.

I made a heart wrenching decision to sell our goats. There was no way we could keep them separate from the chickens OR out of the hen house. We tried moving them to another part of the farm but they wanted to be with the hens and would escape from wherever we moved them to. I either had to pen the flock or sell the goats. It makes my eyes leak when I think about them, but they ended up with a really nice family on a goats only compound. The reason they are a goats only compound is because they used to be a goat and one mule compound but they traded their mule for our goats. So now we're down two chicken feed eating goats and up one hay burning mule. I'm not sure who came out ahead in that deal.

This is Molly our new senior spotted mule ❤



I have to go to trailerpark school tomorrow. In the state of Oregon if you have four or more mobile spaces you are considered a trailerpark and have to register with the state and go to school every year. I'm ok with it because the last family that moved in turned out to be a bunch of a-holes and I need to learn what the laws are when it comes to dealing with trailer dwelling douches.



I made some deelish pumpkin spice soy candles yesterday and now the house smells soooo good.



My friend Linda over at Fat Cat started making crochet jewelry and so of course that meant I had to make some too and now I can't stop making it. I need to get some big girl beads though.

I'm using wire and hemp and loving it!



And.... I made another rug! I started AND finished it in TWO days. Better than the four months it took me to finish the last one.



*Fat Bottom Blog word of the day is douche

douche |doō sh |noun

A person who exhibits douche like behavior

ORIGIN mid 18th cent. (as a noun): via French from Italian doccia ‘conduit pipe,’ from docciare ‘pour by drops,’ based on Latinductus ‘leading’ (see duct ).

Potty Talk

I have a HUGE idea!

This is monumental.

Seriously.

You know how when you're nursing you aren't supposed to drink coffee because the caffeine goes straight to the baby? Same with soda pop, spicy foods etc...

Ok, so listen to this... What if I mixed finely ground espresso with my chickens layer pellets?

They would lay espresso eggs!

I could sell them to Starbucks and here would be the ad campaign...

Are you tired and hungry? Try a Starbucks Espresso Egg! Protein and caffeine at your fingertips.

I told you this was big! Starbucks could even put their swag on my eggs.

Here's a glimpse of my vision...



Can you even believe it!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Today I'm on the hunt for a Honey Bucket. I want one to use as a school bus shelter for Wyatt at the end of the driveway. I think I found one in Vancouver, but I would like to find one a little closer to home. You would think those things would be all over the place, but trust me, they're hard to come by. Remember last spring when I got the toilets to put outside the gate to use as planters? Well time and energy got away from me and the flowers I planted soon died so I filled the potty planters with fake flowers from the dollar store. They are a beautiful burst of color that I can easily change out with the seasons and trust me when I tell you the people in the neighborhood LOVE them! I even get phone calls and messages of gratitude, and passers by slow down to tell Wyatt as he gets off the bus how much they LOVE the faux foliage, so I think that continuing with the latrine theme will be a huge hit. I'll be sure to post some photos of the finished project.

Speaking of projects, I'm crocheting some great grocery totes. I think it would be swell for all of you to join the Ban the Bag campaign and to also ditch the water (all plastic) bottles. Here's a link to the Ban the Bag page and here's a link to Ban the Bottle . Make a difference, it just feels good. I'm also making some sooooper cute slippers that Wendy thinks are dumb but I think she's dumb so whatever.

*Espresso Eggs are a Trademark of me :)

Friends and Family

Everything is so quiet today.

I feel like I should be in  a commercial for a Bose noise blocker.



Really though, since I'm still lounging around in my robe and rubber boots I feel like some loony old woman ditched in a home after the family left. You know, like it was all good and fun when everyone was here but now I just sit and look out the window and wait for them to come back...

Lucky for me 3:15 rolls around pretty quick ❤

Ummm... Ok, so listen to THIS!

6 and I were in town last Thursday and my phone rings while we're in the paint section at Bi-Mart. It was Wyatt and from the sound of his voice I thought a goat had chewed his leg off. He was so hysterical I couldn't make out a word he said except for... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Maybe you should sit down....

He said.... "Wendy is here she's moving in!"

I almost threw up right there in the rattle can aisle.

I told him I had to finish my shopping, but what I really meant was I needed to peel myself from the floor and make a trip to the ladies room.

All kinds of things were running through my mind. What had happened? Why was she home? She hadn't called to say she was coming or needed help packing. Other than Wyatt melting down things sounded pretty steady at the house, there wasn't any crying and it didn't sound like Jesse Ass Face Butt Hole Boyfriend  was there causing a commotion.

What was up?

OMG, was she pregnant?

I was scared to go home.

6 and I walked around Bi-Mart for awhile and then decided we needed to go face things head on.

Shit, I left the hose on, BRB...

Ok, where was I?

Oh... So we got home and there was Wen sitting on the porch laughing with some lady and Wyatt stuck to her side. The lady stood up and walked over to me and gave me a hug and said, "I brought your girl home." I thanked her, but wasn't to sure if I was really thankful or not. Remember, it's been a pretty f'ed up two years and our last meeting really sucked.

Wendy was really calm and told me she had "just had enough".

Really?

Just had enough?

Shit, I "just had enough" about a year and ten months ago.

My apologies go out to all of you who were with me during the Jack years. I imagine you're pulling your hair out and writhing on the floor as I recant this story, but now I understand that karma is a bitch and I guess I had this coming.

Wendy now lives upstairs with her brother stuck to her backside. She is doing really well in school and I think she is heading down a really good path that I hope will lead her to wonderful places amen.

Trina and Chrissi and the kids arrived on Friday, and we had SO much fun!

The kids loved the animals ❤



And we made ice candles...



And did some trailer park tie dye...

And then this happened...
And then this...

Oh well, other than the fact that I was a helmet wearing window licker all the next day it was SO worth it!

There was a lot of life going on here last weekend,

so I guess it's ok if things are a little quiet today :)

I think I'll go get dressed now.

Procrastinating...

Ugh.

I should be getting ready for the carpet cleaners. I decided to have the floors done before the weekend because the rain is supposed to start next week and I don't want to have fresh carpet and fresh mud all at the same time. 6 did all of the heavy lifting last night but I still need to do the little pain in the ass stuff like move plants and clutter butidontwantooooo. I would rather crochet or play Bejeweled or make soap or poke my eyes out with a stick. What is my deal anyway, why don't I ever want to do anything I don't like to do? It's a real shame that there isn't some type of job I could go to every day where everything is all about me having a good time. Maybe I already have that job, but I don't think so because theres still a bunch of dumb stuff I have to do like laundry and getting dressed.

Trina and Chrissi and the kids will be here tomorrow!

Ok... I have to go or the junk won't be off the floor and the carpet guys will probably get mad and think I'm some sort of lazy slob.

A Lot of Nothing

Is it creepy that Wyatt is finding rocks in the yard that he can pick up with magnets?

Should I have the carpets cleaned before our company comes for Labor Day weekend or after?

Wyatt missed the bus this morning because the clock on my computer was ten minutes slow. I thought I was playing Bejeweled for a long time and then the bus passed the house and I knew I had played Bejeweled to long. Oh well, I got to see some other moms who had apparently also been playing Facebook games to long because there were ALOT of moms dropping kids off at school this morning. Maybe because it's such a long bus ride from anywhere to the school. Wyatt needs to be out the door by 6:40 and school starts at 7:25 and the ride home is even longer. Have you ever noticed the cars that people drive when you drop off or pick up at school? I noticed today that most of the cars were trucks like ours. You know, the four door trucks. Not many mini vans, a few SUVs, not very many cars and no hybrids. Interesting. Especially since Portland is such a green city and Oregon as a whole is pretty with it when it comes to conservation. I guess Molalla didn't get the memo. Did you know that Oregon may be one of the first states to ban the plastic grocery bag? I'm totally in favor of it, banning the bag that is and if you have to use them at least recycle them. I made my sister a HUGE grocery tote out of more than 200 plastic grocery bags. I wish I would have taken a picture of it, I swear you could fit two kittens and a goat in it. I used my rotary cutter and stripped all the bags and then crocheted them into a hobo kind of tote. Maybe I'll make another one. I get the bags from the recycled bag bins at the store.

I wonder when we should take the pool down.

I'm going to try a new no bake cookie recipe today.

I am so bored now that Wyatt is back in school.

If he can't participate in P.E at school, do you think he should take riding lessons or swim at the pool a few nights a week? Maybe he should do both. If I took him swimming I could hurl my fat ass into the pool too. I'll look into swimming. And continuing riding lessons.