Time Together

Our Family has been very saddened by the passing of our Grampy.

Through the sadness we also find joy and celebrate the life that he and our Grammy built on this beautiful farm and the people they helped us to become.

We will continue to honor them every day of our lives through hard work, laughter and our love for one another.

Kenneth Robert Fahrenholz

November 19, 1926 -  June 27, 2008

Look Again!!

How stinkin cute are they!!
They live under Wendy's house, but we can smell them from ours : )

Look!!

Our new/old fountain resurrected for the first time since I was about three years old.
COOl huh!

Sunshine and Goldfish

I was outside ALL day yesterday!

I woke up feeling really good and just took the feeling outside and stayed there.

I put together a new koi pond that is sooo cool. It's one of those giant concrete yard art bowls from the 1960's that had been filled with dirt. So I got a shovel and started runnin' it.

The sheep guy and is wife came by to pick up a sprayer. It should have been a ten minute job, but as things go, it turned in to an hour long PIA. 

The tank was full, the bolts were stripped, the hitch was buggered, the gate fell down, etc..... 

So, I had time to get to know them better and I think they'd be good friend prospects. 

Mrs Shearer said she loved the "farm" and would like to come back sometime and Mr Shearer agreed.

I see lamb on the bbq in our future.

I wonder if they make artificial lamb chops like they make artificial crab.

I love you too kenna. (Subliminal message) 

Speaking of artificial and crab, did you watch Deadliest Catch last night?

Dumb.

That whole thing with Phil acting like such a Nancy over coughing up blood as he smoked away.

Whatever.

I'll feel bad when they tell him he has cancer next week, but they should have played a different angle on how he handled his injury and impending lead role in a dramatic part.

I am so excited, we have company coming today!

My Sister Julie and her tag along kid.

Actually, I kind of feel like Olin is coming to visit and his Mom is coming with him. 

Olin has been the best moral support to me this last year, whenever I need a pick me up, he's only a click away, and nothing makes you feel better than name calling and ugly face with a ten year old boy.

Anywho, it's a long trip so they won't be here till' late this afternoon.

If I don't blog for a day or two you'll know why (My face stuck that way).

Pat the Cat is disturbing my peace with his constant meowing and clawing of skin, I need to go lead him through the open door so he can begin his morning hunt.

Not a very smart animal, but pleasant.

Get A Rope

Ok, here goes.
My attempt to grab a line, look for the light and pull myself out of the depression ditch I have dug.
Trust me, it's a deep one.
I have been sleeping and crying and eating since Friday afternoon. I haven't even been able to pull myself together enough to talk on the phone for two days.
I have been a big fat blathering bed headed mess and it has to stop.

First. 

I need to identify what I am so ruined over. 

It's not me with cancer in a care facility not aware of my surroundings, I'm at home on the couch bawling watching daytime t.v.
What is with that?
Here's what I think.
I think that there was some ego ravaged side of me that thought I could make GK better.
He was better for awhile, but not because of me, it was because of the medication he was receiving and all I had to do with that was putting it in a dish every morning. 

BFD.

Second. 

I think during the last two years I have defined myself not as someones Mother, or the "Nail Lady," but as GK's cancer companion.

I have let myself get so caught up in this, that one might think I had the big C.

I have learned every medical slang Doc talk there is relating to his treatment, I have researched everything there is to know about prostate cancer online and payed extra special attention to any episode of House that may have pertained to prostate cancer and found myself hanging on every cancer tidbit that Wilson threw out.

Third. 

I think I need to learn how to just love GK again the way I did before "we"  got cancer.

I need to make him the focus, not the disease

Insurance is paying other people to focus on that now and my new job needs to be loving him, not "fixing" or fixating on him.

Not having him here with me leaves a BIG empty hurting space in my heart, and our house feels like it's another heart short of a home.

I guess I need to get used to the idea that my Grammy is one heart short of a home where she is too, and has been waiting patiently for the time when she and our Grampy can be together again.

Ouch, that made my eyes blurry.

I have to go watch T.V, I'm losing my grip on the rope.

Saturday Slideshow

It's a Beautiful Day

Well, I have to say these have been some rough days.

I have no witty banter or funny stories to tell.

My heart has been filled with sadness at the rapid Delcine in GK's health.

Hospice was here on Tuesday and made the decision to admit him into a five day respite facility to evaluate his medications and see how much pain medication he can tolerate.

His cancer has metastasized from his shoulders to his legs and is doing a number on his kidneys and liver as well.

Tuesday night and yesterday were a pretty rough go, but they kept telling me what a trooper he was and how charming he is.

He doesn't seem realize he isn't at home, and doesn't remember his poodles.

I went in to see him this morning, and like I told my sister, when he saw me he lit up like Frosty the Snowman when he put on his magic hat.

He was so happy and so right on in his wrongness. No pain, no worries, no sadness.

He was telling me how nice his "house" was, pointing out all the lovely furniture and surroundings. 

He asked me how things were going at my house and how the family was.

He was happy to hear that Wendy was tending bar and how he thought that was a perfect job with that outgoing personality of hers. 

He asked if Wyatt was in school yet and told me repeatedly how smart and artistic he thought Wyatt was.

He wondered what Mike was doing and if he was still milking cows (I just said yes ;)

We sat and drank coffee as he told me about the days he worked in the shipyards (he was a butcher, but my Grammy was a welder during the war) and all the fun times they had.

We laughed as we talked about old times that I can't remember, but times that have come back to bring him joy, so wherever he leads, I will follow and just be happy he invited me to dance.

These have been two of the hardest years of my life, but looking back I can see that they were also two of the best.

So today I'm going outside.

I will fire up the DVR and watch my stories tonight.

I'm going to listen to the birds and dig in the dirt.

I'm going to play with the Garcia's and chase the ducks with a hose.

I'm going to drink pink lemonade on the patio with my son and dream of Honey-do's for my Husband

I'm not going to worry about what will be, I am going to get every bit of joy from what is.

Ciao'

Late Post

It has been a very sad day on the farm.

My Grampy was admitted to a care facility for respite care today.

His condition has deteriorated to the point that we are no longer able to care for him at home.

We hope that with some medication adjustments he may be able to come home at the end of the week.

My eyes are wet and blurry and my heart aches, so thats all for now.

Another Monday

Out of the blue my friend Yma (Amy) called on Saturday.
She was in town, tracked me down and wanted to know when and where we could meet and catch up on old times and new.
First I had to catch my breath because I couldn't believe it was her on the phone....
Whenever, wherever was my reply and we met up a few hours later.
When I saw her (it has been ten years since the last time) it was like I had just seen her the day before and like no time had passed.
I cried and hugged her and just started babbling. I was soo happy to see her.
We caught up on current events, husbands, kids, work, Pets, friends, jobs and life in general.
I felt like I had changed alot, but to me, Yma hadn't changed a bit and just seeing her brought back so many happy memories.
I love that she was here.



Kelly went home today.
She has been here for a week, and in that week we caught up on our sleep and got some much needed rest.
She took all the night shifts, (which are the hardest) so I'm sure she will be happy to get home to her family and her own bed and get some rest herself.
I'm sad to see her go, but I also feel like now that we have Hospice we have a safety net.
So far, everyone I have met has been so wonderful and more than happy to help with anything we need.
I feel like they understand what we are going through without me having to say a word.
They get that we can't continue without rest, staying up all night and worrying about every ones safety.
To put it simply, they "get it".

My stories are on.

Enjoy the day!



P.S
pRick. Stay on your own side of the fence line and don't bother waving when I'm staring at you through the binoculars. I know you know I'm there, that's why I'm doing it.

P.S.S
Underwear under shorts are required attire on our side of the property line, so if you know your trespassing and your neighbor is tracking you with binoculars, don't be a dirty perv.
Thanks.

Happy Fathers Day M Parks

I know, I know, today is supposed to be laying on the couch day, but I didn't get to Hallmark for a card and don't have a new power tool on hand to offer up as a gift to show our appreciation

So I will pay homage to one of the greatest Dads of all time with my words and my heart and of course, a few photographs.
I'm pretty sure Sparky will love being the star of his own photographic montage.

First let me say a few words about the man I married.

Mike was already a Dad when we met.
Not just any Dad, but a doting Dad.
His daughter means more to him than anything in the world, and it shows.
I am thankful every day that he has made room in his heart to be the same kind of Father to Wyatt.
They are both so lucky to have a father who shows them so much compassion, love, and understanding accompanied with such acceptance, patience and praise.

We love you Mike,
Happy Fathers Day!

My Father didn't tell me how to live, he lived well, and let me watch him do it. 

~Clarence Budington Kelland 

Home

I know it's Saturday which is supposed to be picture day, so I will be adding some photographs from my Northern sabbatical, but I also just wanted to check in with an update.

GK has remained stable in his out of itness.

He sleeps alot and is usually confused and out of sorts when he wakes up.

He is still having the terrible pain that we are doing whatever we can to suppress.

Hospice comes today and with that I hope they have some new ideas for some medication he can tolerate.

The family did a great job without me and I came home to a clean house and settled mind. I think I have a rejuvenated spirit and strength to get through the woods so to speak. 

I just REALLY needed a break and time away to be with the people that remind me who I am.

Sometimes I lose sight of that and begin to feel that my lot in life is to clean up poodle puddles and live in an altered state of mind minus the medication.

Other than the girls at the doctors offices, I don't know a single soul here so I don't have anything else to focus on besides the right here and right now.

It was so good to hear stories of whats going on in other peoples lives, and to be reminded that there is still more to life than Judge Judy, barking dogs and the cancer that is taking over the lives of the people I love.

Here's the deal though.

What we have been doing for the last two plus years has become my life, and for as much as I miss what used to be, I also missed what is.

It felt good to come home to my family and be with my Grampy and believe it or not, even to hear the piercing bark of the dreaded poodles.

Home is where your heart is, and my heart is here with the people I love.

Now, here's some picture!

Checking In

Split town for a couple days to restore my sanity.
I'm in the Valley with Shelley and she's taking care of me for a day or so.
GK is holding his own at home with the family and we are all hoping for Hospice to provide some much needed support.

See ya when I get back.

Pea's Out

Update

GK is very still, in lot's of pain and pretty out of sorts.

He is having to take medication for the vomiting that makes him drowsy, and it doesn't seem like theres anything that helps the pain.

Yesterday he laid in his bed most of the day and today he has been resting in his chair.

Last week was tough, but at least he isn't having any more of the "manic" incidents where he doesn't know where he is or the reality of what is going on around him.

My sister Kelly is here from Montana and that is a huge help and an even bigger relief when it comes to getting some much needed rest.

You know how it goes, if GK doesn't sleep at night, don't NObody sleep at night, and that's the way it had been for a week.

With her here on the couch it allows our minds to let go of the worry and rest.

It's also nice to just have a "buddy" when your worried and scared.

Mike is home from his trip North.

His Grandfathers memorial service was a sad but needed closure. He was also able to spend time with his daughter who he misses so much and the rest of his family as well.

Tonight is our anniversary, so we will go to dinner and try to forget the hard stuff for an hour or so and be thankful for each other.

Out of all the husbands I've had, I never dreamed I could have the friend, companion and support that he brings to my life.

I am so lucky.

Wendy practically passed Mike on the highway as she was going North and he was heading South.

She has been in Washington for two days but will be coming home tonight. 

She had to go tend to her drunk girl business at the courthouse in the Valley and took the opportunity to see friends and have a little fun. 

Hopefully she behaves.

Wyatt is upstairs enjoying his newly cleaned (by Mike) room.

We probably won't see him for the rest of the day because when his room is clean he is enthralled with all his stuff that is now easy to find and easy to get to.

It's almost as good as having new toys when you discover the old ones that have been lost under the bed or shoved in the corner.

Mike and Kelly have gown to town so I guess I'll go watch my stories.

I need to find out if Rex will leave Adrianna and find out that Shane is really his son.

Will Vicki forgive Charlie?

How will Natalie and Jared get through the lies they told?

Will Jessica survive the grief of losing Nash?

Like I don't have enough stress......

Just a Note

We just got home from GK's primary Doctor.

He decided it was in GK's best interest at this point to rule out Chemo and bring in Hospice.

I am glad we all agree it is about quality of life and comfort now as opposed to trying to catch a horse that's already out of the barn.

I am exhausted, overwhelmed and trying to get my mind around this.

GK is having a very hard time and is still in a great deal of pain and dealing with all the other effects of this horrible disease.

We all wish we could find some way to comfort him.

I can not thank you enough for your kind words and thoughts of support for our family.

Hard Times

Rough night last night.

911 was here to take GK to the hospital at 1:30a.m

He is still there and having kidney and liver problems and very disoriented.

Wyatt is still sick and Mike has to go North for his Grandfathers memorial service today.

My Sister is coming to help on the chance they send GK home today.

I can't do it by myself as the nights are the worst and if he gets off base I need someone here with me.

It will take her more than eight hours to get here, but will be here for the critical hours and stay until Mike returns on Sunday.

So, I won't be around much for a day or so but will update when I can.

Thank you for your words of kindness and support, I needed them this morning.

Last Day of School

WYATT IS IN BED THROWING UP WITH A FEVER

Thats all I have to say.

Ok, here I am.

I woke up this morning to the sound of the goat wagon (GK's suburban) starting up in the driveway.

By the time my brain-body thought-action connected I got to the bedroom window in time to see GK heading out the driveway.

It was 6:00a.m.

I went directly into official stress overload brain freeze mode.

Was I really seeing this?

Where was he going.

What should I do?

What could  I do?

I called Kelly.

I'm not sure what I thought my Sister in Montana could do about GK heading out the driveway at 6:00 am, on his own, in Beavercreek Oregon, but it was the best I could come up with.

I paced and smoked and drank coffee and repeatedly asked K what to do until GK drove back in the driveway about twenty minutes later.

It turns out GK was going to his appointment when he realized he didn't know how to get there, so he turned around and came back.

Good decision.

We left the house together about three hours later.

Here's what the doctor says.

There should be NO side effects other than mild stomach cramping the third through tenth day of chemo.

It should not effect his appetite.

It should not effect his energy levels, maybe some "mild fatigue."

It should not cause any noticeable bone pain.

All in all it will improve his quality of life.

Please read the following sentence and tell me if it makes sense to you.

Read it slowly if you feel the need.

Chemotherapy will improve your quality of life.

Maybe in the long run, but during treatment?

I informed him that I had cared for my Father when he was going through chemo, and none of the things he was saying to me was ringing any bells of familiarity.

He told me chemo had come a long way in seven years.

Has it?

If you know something I don't know, please share it with me, I need some support here.

Here's something else to talk about.

Wyatt's talent show was today.

I thought it was last week, but I was mistaken, it was today.

Wen and I decided to get there early to get a good seat.

It was a great show.

Everyone was terrific.

Jump ropers, singers, puppeteers, etc.....

Wyatt did his martial arts routine and it was good but lacking music.

Note to self... when performing solo, make sure you have a good beat to accompany you.

Here's what Wendy said while we were waiting for the show to start.

Honest to God I am not making this up.

Wen: People in wheel chairs are lucky.

Me: Why?

Wen: They always have a place to sit.

I'm not kidding, that's what she said.

I have to go start dinner.

Chow'

BBL (Be back Later)

Late blog today, GK has an appointment to meet with his doctor this morning about starting Chemo.

If you feel the need to read, click the "saucy" pink badge to your right for some GREAT blogs.

The Day After

We went to the Doctor yesterday and got the news we have been dreading.

Chemo.

I don't understand why now and not a year ago when his body was better able to handle the medication (poison.)

Interesting how a Doctor has as much will to think he can cure, as the patient has will to live.

The doctor said he was unable to do anything about quantity of life, but he could assist in quality of life.

Quality?

Whatever, we start on Friday.

It will be a hard road.

My mind has been occupied with this news since 12:00 yesterday afternoon, so I don't have much else to share.

Wendy went and chose some new frames for glasses that she will get Thursday.

In some ways her life is coming together.

I think it's as important to take care of the little things (like the ability to see) as it is the big things.

We had a nice visit with my Mom yesterday.

We sat on her patio and drank iced tea and she gave me a new purse.

Nothing brightens your spirits like a great new purse!

Mike went to work on fixing the roof at the little house.

When I went to get Wy from Wen's this morning I saw that it was still leaking.

The whole thing is SO bad, I don't think you can repair it by fixing one spot.

Can you say "tear down."

Besides, one whole corner of the house is being held together with super glue caulking.

The fireplace is trying to relocate into the front yard, which in fact would make for some toasty outdoor evenings sitting around the fire. 

Easy to get back into the kitchen for snacks and refills too.

Snacks and refills.

That makes me think of Shelley.

Seventeen days to Fifty Stub!!

Wow, hard to believe.

You'll always be thirty "something" to me.

I think for you birthday this year I would like to send you on a cruise.... to Alaska.

Alaskan cruises are the best because you can dress in layers, not having to worry about those pesky bathing suits and skinny beetches in the pool while your trying to enjoy your margarita.

Mike's up : P

pea's

Fun!

Check these chics out...

The Secret is in the Sauce

Doctor Day

Today is Monday.
The last Monday of the school year.
You wouldn't know that by the look on Wyatt's face this morning.
It looked like this :(
I told him to make this face :) and sent him out the door.

GK was up at 6:oo am this morning and then sat on the side of his bed until 8:00.
I don't know why.
Usually he is up around 4 or 5:00ish.
We go to the doctor today, the dreaded oncologist Dr. Y .
I get such an oogy feeling on Dr.Y days, we don't have what you would call a "warm and fuzzy" feeling toward each other.
I think he should do more and he tells us how great he (himself) is and we leave no better off than we arrived.
I have a lot of experience with oncologists.
They think they know it all and then when it gets to the point they don't know anything they just give you that oncologist appointed smile and tilting of the head.
Whatever.

Mike worked last night and the night before.
Thats a good thing.

John the sheep shearer stopped by on Saturday wondering why GK hasn't called in the last many years.
I told him he's been "busy," but we now have a date with him on Friday.
Trust me, that will make for some good pictures.

I think Wendy might have a boyfriend.
I probably just jinxed it by saying that.
Nevermind.

I have to go shower, have a great day : )

Remember..

I'm laying on the couch today.