Arts and Crafts and Kids

I know you're probably all getting really tired of me going on and on about my weight loss, but it's kind of a BIG deal.

I have officially lost a toddler.

Twenty-one pounds.

I'm trying for twenty more.

I'd like to lose twins.

Stitches

I made this trivet and matching dishcloth set for a sister who shall remain nameless, so if you're reading this J. Carlson, stop.

Just a standard rug, but pot sized for the table.

                                             Also included is a set of matching dishcloths.

I'll be listing in the Etsy shop as soon as I'm done here, just like I've said I'm going to do for the last week or so...

Gratuitous photos of people I love.

Hunter in his happy place,

Charlotte in a secure place...

And Faela with carrots on her face!

Useless information.

Steve only eats the red Fruitloops.

Sears, Swimsuits, Skates and Soap

I got my FOURTH swim suit in the mail.

The top squashed me and the bottom hung off my butt like a wet diaper.

Gross.

But, I figured out that you can return Lands End at Sears, so I made a trip to the mall and have already ordered suit number FIVE.

This time I am going with a full on swim legging and a tankini from Swimsuits for All that has great reviews and will better "suit" me and I was able to order separate sizes for my freakishly large top and my extra flat and flabby south end.

We'll see how it goes.

Speaking of Sears, have you been lately?

You know, "Where America Shops For Value"...

Well, let me just tell you, America has ditched Sears and comfortably settled in at Walmart 

"Where America Shops For Cheap Shit Made In China".

Going into Sears now is like entering some post apocalyptic time warp.

It's no longer the mesmerizing bustling, brightly lit place that held everything new and shiny with the enticing smell of new tires, polyester and roasting peanuts.

Now it just smells.

Like sadness.

And Chapter 11.

Do you remember the Wish Book?

Do you remember how exciting it was the day it arrived and how you were glued to it for the rest of the month an no matter who's house you went to, everyone had "The Book" and the pages would be dog eared and ripped out, and folded over and the really good stuff would be circled with red marker and every single thing on every single page would be discussed at length with your friends while you laid on the floor comparing who already had what and how it rated and who needed what to keep up with the ones that already had what everyone else wanted?

My weakness was always roller skates and Barbies.

I started out with these and skated in the garage and on the street with the neighbor kids.

Then we moved to an Island in the middle of no where into a tent so my mother could "find herself" but luckily there was still catalog service, so I got these super cool "skate shoes" and we skated at the new fair building in town on weekends.

blue and green upper right

Shortly after my mom "found herself" came the divorce.
My father moved away and decided the best way to establish a sense of security was to buy me stuff (and let me eat sugar cereal), so I was quickly upgraded to these beauty's...

All leather uppers, with sure grip interchangeable indoor/outdoor wheels so I could skate at the park or at the rink on weekends in the city with my dad.

And every Saturday we would go to Sears and I would look at all the skates and skate accessories while my dad looked at lawn mowers, tools and tires.

Sorry, I got a little lost in roller skate nostalgia.

Maybe more than a little since now I can smell the smell of a new set of wheels and hear Hells Bells playing in my head with images of strobe lights at midnight during reverse skate...

What was I saying...?

Something about swim suits and Sears.

Oh well, that's all I have to say about that.

Let's talk about this...

I've lost 18 pounds!

Since I'm not baking, I'm making soap.

This is oatmeal and honey made with finely ground whole grain oats and local organic blackberry honey, poured in a wooden two pound mold so the bars are huge, almost six ounces each and they smell, delicious.

Like breakfast.

Or cookies.

Mostly cookies.

Ok, I'm done.

Bug, Bug, Goose

I had thirteen geese.

And a coyote problem.

And over the last two years it has been the worst it's ever been. 

It got to the point where I let Wendy's Baby Daddy teach me how to shoot a 22, but it's not much good in the closet where I keep it so I don't have a gun out. 

Buddy is really good at keeping them away, but they come when he's inside in the early morning.

Buddy The Snow Dog

So I don't have ducks anymore, the chickens can no longer come and go as they please and I'm down to just one goose.

Who has bonded with me.
And my car.

I'm not kidding.

She sleeps next to the car, plays next to the car and protects the car day and night.

The only thing she loves more than the car is me.

Can you see the problem with this?

When I go outside and she want's to play and then she realizes that not ONLY are we not going to play, but I'm also taking "her" car, things get ugly in a hurry.

It's better when I have a passenger, because then someone can get out and chase her off, but if it's just me, I get this

And then, once I finally do get to the gate after a series of starts and stops and honking the horn and trying to outrun her if she does move, I get this

Talk about heart breaking.

What you can't see in these photos is the fracas going down between the pig and the dog who are totally losing it because not only am I taking the car, but there's a huge possibility of Lucille ending up a hood ornament of a 2000 Volkswagen Beetle so they're chasing each other in a frenzy of squeals and barks and howls calling in the donkeys and a few sheep while Lucille is squawking at the top of her lungs for me to stop and once I do finally make it to the other side of the gate, they all just stare at me.

When you take all that into consideration, it's easy to understand why I seldom leave home alone and when I go to the gym I feel like I've already done a full workout just getting out of my driveway.

The up side of all of this of course, is that I have the best barnyard alarm system in the country. 

Between the donkeys, dogs, pig and patio goose, I know you're here before your tires leave the pavement.

So do the neighbors.

Wyatt turned seventeen.

I only have one year left to boss him around and make him do my bidding and then he'll legally be able to ditch me.

That leaves just one year to totally brainwash and guilt trip him into staying with me forever get him ready for the world.

I've had a child companion since I was sixteen years old, and the thought of going it alone terrifies me.

Who is going to unload the dishwasher? 

Who is going to switch the clothes to the dryer? 

Who is going to take the garbage can to the road? 

Will there even be garbage, or will the just be Yoplait and Ben and Jerry's containers because I'll have to eat my emotions... 

I can't even go there.

I need to line up a good therapist now and maybe even start weekly sessions building up for what's to come.

Back to Wyatt.

I can't believe he's so grown up, and I can't even remember where the time has gone.

One day he's eating cereal at the kitchen table in his underpants and the next day

he's a junior in living room school, working a part time job in a floral warehouse and driving.

He's polite, handsome and his Dad is a total dickwad jerk who called to wish him a happy birthday and tell him that he had to move from Texas to Louisiana because "child support" was closing in on him.

Nice, call your son and tell him you split town to avoid having to contribute to his care.

Running from responsibility is the only thing that d-bag does well.

I digress, again, back to Wyatt.

Wendy and Hunter came over in the morning and we had a birthday parade of gifts and then we picked up Kiara in the afternoon and went out for a perfect birthday dinner at his favorite restaurant and had the best waiter in the entire world ever who made the occasion so over the top fun it was unbelievable!

I ate birthday cake and had a legit sugar hangover all day yesterday.

Seriously, the struggle is real.

Are you a cell phone case on or off person?

My case has to be off in order to connect Pandora to my car so it usually stays off and I can't stand it.

Some people don't like cases though, and I'm just curious who those weirdos are...

I Forgot What I Came Here For...

I was up at 4:00 this morning because I had this post perfectly laid out in my mind.

So I got up, went to the bathroom, let the dog out, checked the fire, put the kettle on, let the dog in, fed the cats, started the dishwasher, washed the pan that was on the porch for the dogs last night, let the other dogs out, played with the goose, made my coffee, let the two dogs in, let the one dog out, got into the living room and turned around to let the cats out, remembered I needed to edit some HTML on the blog, looked up the coding from the other blog, let the cat in, looked across the room to see Wyatt's socks on the floor in front of the chair, got up, picked up the socks and put them in the utility room to be washed, remembered Hunter was coming today and started thinking about what to make for lunch, then remembered we're meeting his Mother for lunch in town, then remembered I have a doctors appointment at 3:45 and smelled my pits to see if I could get away sans shower, then I remembered someone is coming to look at the little house today, then I fixed the coding on the blog, then I started reading other people blogs, then I had to make another cup of coffee, and now I have no idea of what I was going to blog about.

I still don't have a bathing suit!

I sent #3 back because it fit great everywhere except for my ginormous boobs that spill out the sides like an overstuffed jelly donut

I just don't get it, after I get them all stuffed in a bra, I don't even look that big, but try finding a bra or suit that fits a 40 H, and you'll be sorry my friends, very, very sorry.

I hope the more weight I lose the smaller those two will get because I hate them always being a cause for wardrobe concern.

If you go to hug me, I can poke a hole in your lung with an underwire, and I'm not even sure I could make it through airport security with this much scaffolding.

Anyway, #4 is on the way from Lands End.

Keep your fingers crossed.

With my return money from the other suits, I bought a Garmin Vivofit. I really researched this before I bought it, and I bought it because my niece was raving about her Fitbit, but I cant wear a Fitbit in the pool. The Garmin is waterproof, and shows my heart rate so I won't blow up.
It even syncs with MyFitnessPal (thetrailerparks) and automatically adds in my calories and exercise. 

I think it also tases you if you go to long without moving.

I'm going to the doctor today because I'm having problems swallowing and my mouth always tastes like dog poop.

Sometimes when I'm drinking something my swallower just quits working and I start choking.

I've been down this road before, so I already know it's my watermelon sized hiatal hernia that pushes my stomach up under my chin, and I've been scheduled for surgery twice, but the first one I cancelled because my surgeon sat down at her desk and opened a can of Diet Coke and smelled like cigarettes.

Here's the rub in that, I'm an ex smoker and sometimes I drink Diet Coke and I don't care if she does those things, I just wan't to believe she's better and smarter than me.

She had great hair though.

The second time I was scheduled for surgery my arteries broke and so that surgery was tabled.
I'm supposed to take some medication for it, but my stomach doesn't ever hurt anymore because I know what foods to avoid and that medication REALLY makes my mouth taste like poo.

I think that's a wrap.
I still don't remember what I got up at 4:00 AM to post about.

*Never ever Google "Old lady big boobs".

Senior Swimming

Here's what I learned about water aerobics...

1. Don't wear your cute cruise suit to class because your boobs float out and your skirt covers your face and you lose your spot.
2. Seasoned water aerobicisers are very serious about their spots.
3. You can't hear directions so you  have to copy what everyone else is doing and if you don't do it right your neighbor will quickly correct you. 
4. Old people are stronger in water.

Walking from the showers to the pool was the longest walk of shame I've ever done. It was a cross between Miss America and the final loser on The Bachelor. 

I was all by myself in my fabulous suit with thirty waterlogged seniors staring at me, and even after I got in the pool, no one talked to me, so I just started talking to them, which was no easy feat because they're all half deaf and the music is blaring, but I just kept talking. 

By the time the class was over I felt like I'd earned their trust and they had accepted me as part of their group.

Even though they hadn't heard a word I'd said.

I love the class and even though I can't go in this morning, I'll do the 6:00 class tonight, which really blows, because the morning class will think I'm a quitter, and I'll have to do another walk in front of another group, except this time I won't be in a cruise suit, I'll be in swim shorts and a swim top so I won't be a vag flasher when we do the scissor kick.

Yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 60 minutes.

Small potatoes for everyone else, huge milestone for me.

Last time I was near a treadmill I had gone in for my stress test and before I even stepped on the stupid thing they had me locked up in the Hospital for three days.

I haven't told my doctors what I'm doing, but I think they'll be really proud of me.

Last Friday was Chick Day!

Hunter and I went to town and got ten chicks, so that will make twenty two layers by the time they get up to peek manufacturing, and I'm going into the egg business.

Right now I'm getting more than we can eat, but not enough to sell so I either need to get up or get out.

I don't think there's big money to be made in the egg industry, but a little "pin money" will be nice.

Hunter loves the chicks and wants to go out and do "chick checks" about every fifteen minutes and each check consists of counting the chicks and holding his "favorite" one.

Can you spot his favorite?

Neither can he, they're all his favorite.

The tree guys are coming today.

I have an out of control Italian Plum tree, two run away dogwoods and a Japanese Maple that's taking over the driveway.

They're also going to prune my roses and the fig tree that one of our renters destroyed "pruned" for us five years ago.

I'm excited to see the results, I imagine it will go something like this...

I'll also be listing some Etsy goods and restocking the shop today, and reformulating the lip balms.

The last batches had shea butter in them which goes scritchy when they get cold and warm up again, so I went back to the lab and reformulated and ended up too waxy so today I'm back at it with a new plan in hopes of finding the perfect formula.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Rolling In The Deep

I joined a gym yesterday.

I know, I'm surprised too.

I'm not going to be lifting weights or doing spin, but I will be dragging my fat ass in the pool for the water exercise classes.

I've always talked about doing that (water classes) but I always put it off or come up with an excuse not to go, but when our local gym runs a special during HEART MONTH I have to do it.

So, I will pack up my five year old never been used suit with a skirt and dive in step in carefully.

I will also pack my nitro.

We all remember the fiasco of 2015 when I went in for a stress test and ended up in the hospital before I stepped foot on the machine.

The thing about that though, is I felt normal, just a little winded from the walk through the parking lot and through the building, but I guess my "winded" is a technical cause for alarm.

I still don't think my doctor would have admitted me, but the attending physician wasn't going to take any chances.

But anyway, I'm too fat and that's hard on my heart, and I have been on my diet for almost a month and my weight has stalled and I really can't eat any fewer calories or I'll fall over, so exercise is where it's at, and it'll really blow be great!

And Wendy is joining too!

Let me tell you the best part about Wendy getting old and fat...

Everyone thinks that we are either friends or sisters because we are kind of at that "middle age" part of our life where we're kind of even.

Neither of us are young or old, and we both have a problem with portion control, so yesterday when I was signing up the lady said, "Don't worry, you don't have to give us your first born", I laughed and laughed and laughed and said, "Well it wouldn't hurt her if I did!" and then we all laughed and laughed and laughed and then Wendy ended up being half of a couples contract for twenty dollars more a month!

Wonderful right!?

Wendy has really bad Rheumatoid Arthritis you know, and is starting injections this month, so if she can shed a size or two she will feel so much better, but she doesn't want to do the pool, she wants to do weights and machines.

Wyatt and I are going to Seattle to see my niece Sarah and the newest member of the family, Charlotte next Wednesday.

I made her something amazing and I can't wait to show you, but it's a surprise so I can't post it now because she might read the blog.

I know she's only three months old, but she's very advanced.

We were lucky enough to get two brand new baby girls last year and they are both so wonderful and beautiful and smart and they even still have that new people smell, at least they did last time I saw them. 

Anyway, they are amazing.

My Sister is a Grammy and I wonder if she'll stay a Grammy or if those girls will personalize it like Hunter did when he put his own lisp twist on Granny.

The day I forever became Tranny.

He spent the night last Friday.

His Mom really missed him and asked me to send a picture so I went the extra step and sent her a video...
Never mind, I can't figure out how to video.
It's a REALLY cute one though.

Ok, I have to go find my swim cap, ciao'!

New Year New Projects

I have taken up sewing. 

Very simple sewing mind you, but sewing none the less. 

I started with an apron and a pattern from Sewing For Dummies pattern #1140.

I have to be honest, I think my favorite part of the entire project was picking out the fabric and let me tell you, if I was ever afraid of having a yarn obsession, fabric could be much, much worse.

Ok, so I picked my pattern, chose my fabric, then my sister taught me how to read the pattern which was great, but I kind of figured out (the hard way) that reading a pattern is just like reading a recipe or putting together a bookshelf from Ikea.
Simple if you follow directions, hair pulling and tears if you don't. 

I shed a few tears. 

I didn't do my fold, iron, pin and stitch correctly, but on the upside I learned how to pull stitches really well.

I started and finished a rug for my Grand Niece Faela Rose.

It's done with yellow and pink rose flannel sheets from my sister (her grammy)

I did it a new way in hope of sharpening my sewing skills and getting to know my sewing machine by sewing a fold over and connecting all my sheets. Usually I just rotary cut my strips and attach them with slips through slits as I go. This probably took longer, but the result was a cleaner, more finished look and the rose pattern showed through the entire rug. Imaging cutting a king size sheet in one inch strips and sewing it back together end to end... I am now a master machine threader!

I also started and finished a blanket for my other Grand Niece Charlotte Mae that is absolutley to die for!

I used Red Heart Snuggle Bunny Goldfish.

With a size 11 hook I did a granny straight stitch (I don't know if that's really what it's called) but it was perfect for this yarn!

If you're new to crochet, there's a great tutorial for a "running granny" at Dream A Little Bigger. Super simple and there are so many ways to use this great stitch. I love a big hook lofty design, so I always switch my patterns up a bit and just adjust for size.

Ummmm, what else.... I called a haul out company to come clean out the shop at the little house. There's no way we can rent it out anymore because of the antique non existant septic, so the shop had just become a catch all not only for me, but also the last three renters. 

It was so great, I felt like it was a trailerpark version of Hoarders as they hauled out two washing machines, a dryer, old mattresses, a freezer, tires, and anything else that was old, wet, moldy or broken. 

I swear, it was so liberating, and such a feeling of accomplishment. Even though I just stood there and pointed at stuff. Now I have room for hay without having to walk to the barn and don't have to worry about tripping and falling and breaking myself.

One more thing.

I've lost 14 pounds!