Old Meat and Old Cars

Captain Underpants is here today and I don't have anything planned. I think I'll take him grocery shopping with me which is probably a big mistake or leave him here with Wyatt which sounds like a really good idea.

  I'll bribe Wyatt with a pizza. 

Last time I went shopping it was just to pick up a few things, hamburger, cauliflower, bread and a head of lettuce. While I was getting the hamburger, my eye was drawn to the "Buy 1 Get TWO Free" sign and then there was this big display of pre-seasoned beef, chicken and pork, which as we all know is done to hide the oldness and funny smell, but I was going into this with my eyes open and prepared to take my selection directly home and into the freezer and tossed two chicken quarters and a twin pack of overly seasoned steak into my basket and headed for the register. Ok, so were, you paying attention up there? Cauliflower, bread, a head of lettuce and now a buy one get two deal. 

Forty four dollars and ninety five cents. Did you hear that? Forty four dollars and ninety five cents, that's $44.95. Are you kidding me? WTF? And that's what I said too because the last time I was in that store (Safeway) I bought mostly produce and was thinking about how high my total was on the way home and re-weighed all my items, and almost EVERY ONE WAS OFF! They had over weighted almost every item and I called the store out of my mind because how was I supposed to prove that! Well, they (Safeway) said they may have owed me five dollars and they would leave a gift card for me at the desk, but back to todays story... So the steal deal with the meat was, in tiny print, they all had to be the same, ie, three porks, three chickens, etc... I told her to forget it but then she couldn't do the refund for whatever reason, and I had to go to another line and have another girl, the lead checker do the refund and she refunded me twenty four dollars and something cents and I said thanks and apologized for not reading the sign and left and then as I was driving home, I was thinking to myself, forty something minus twenty something still leaves twenty something and all I have is cauliflower, a loaf of bread and a head of lettuce because I got the buy one get two and then didn't get that so I had no meat, not even the hamburger that I was originally going to buy, and how the eff does cauliflower, a loaf of bread and a head of lettuce cost twenty something dollars! That's when my eyes started bleeding. As soon as I got home I called the store (Safeway) and asked for the girl who refunded me nine minutes before and she wasn't quite sure who I was or what the return was or what I was talking about or eff squat about anything, because my best guess would be something that I shouldn't share with you. She said the accountant would have to call me back and did I have my receipt showing what I bought and I said NO YOU KEPT IT. The accountant returned my call quickly though and through my store (Safeway) card they were able to bring up my transaction and it turns out there was indeed a ten dollar discretion and now I have fifteen dollars in gift cards waiting for me at the store (Safeway) that I will use on gas because I'm never shopping there again.

Mrs. Shoes asked for an update on the hoe yesterday.

I wheeled into the park the same day of the store (Safeway) incident and no one was home, but the hoe was still there along with the front and back of a rusted out car and all it's guts. After I talked to the girl at the store (Safeway) I figured I was on a roll so I might as well just keep rolling and sent a text about the hoe and the "car" to the people in Lot #1 and said I hadn't realized they were starting a Sanford and Son operation and if I had, I would have offered them a respectable starter kit consisting of five or six boxes with as much junk as they could possibly fit in them from the barn. Luckily it went over well, because you know what they say, you can't hear tone in a text which at that time worked out best for both of us.

The hoe should be gone today or tomorrow.

Stay Classy

Get Your Sheep On

Do you keep your butter in the fridge?

I don't and sometimes it gets hot and melts and runs all over the dish and then I either have to pour it on to whatever needs butter or wait for it to harden back up on the plate over night and then the next day, even though it's still butter, it looks funny. I guess what I'm wondering here is, if butter is a dairy product, is that like leaving the milk on the counter all day in the heat and then after it's gone through some sort of funky transformation glopping it into a bowl of cereal...

We went to see Shaun the Sheep yesterday with Wendy and the child formerly known as the Kid in the Paper Pants. The movie was perfect and everything I hoped it would be. Chicken Run is my favorite movie ~ever~ which should tell you everything you already knew about me, so Shaun is an obvious favorite as well, and if you ever wondered rather you could love a movie without dialogue, now is the perfect time to find out. It held the attention of a three year old without any super hero special effects or robots from outer space, unless of course you consider rescuing an amnesiac farmer a heroic act, or a Trojan horse operated by ruminants robotic ingenuity, which I of course most certainly do.

Our old cinema has been completley redone and now has huge leather like recinling seats and a snack bar that resembles a fast food restaurant where you can order anything heated in a convection oven AND beer and wine! So you could seriously take a date to dinner and a movie for only twice what it used to cost and never have to deal with that awkward issue of speaking to one another.

After the movie, we all came back to the house and went straight to the craft and covered the kitchen table with craft chaos while Captain Underpants engaged in a battle of get the feather with Astro who is too fat to move, so that game got old fast so he moved on to paper and markers at the big table pretty quick. Wyatt started painting and Wendy printed off some fishing photos and mod podged them on canvas and then rubbed dirt on them.

SO cool!

I did what I usually do when we glue and glitter and made magnets, my favorite, magnets!

Don and Melanie, together again.

Last but not least. I made chicken for dinner, just regular old pan fried in oil no coating chicken sprinkled with some garlic salt, pepper and paprika and fried it until it was almost off the bone. I thought it would be good to just grab and eat how it was, when Wendy whipped up some Franks and ranch to dip it in and it went from good to OMG!

So easy right?

We're having it again tonight and I'll cook up extra to keep it in the fridge for snacks.

Stay Classy

No Hoes Allowed

There's a storm brewing in the park and it's with the guy who gives me the most grief and I hate having any confrontation with him because he's such an a-hole, and what makes me so so mad is that I really like his wife, and they totally use that against me. If I have a problem with, we'll call him "Bob" (because that's his name) his wife turns on me too, so then I have to deal with an a-hole and a nasty wife which totally sucks. "Bob" (his real name) has brought in a backhoe and is cutting up cars and dragging them all over his lot. Right? Are you effing kidding me? Who the F does that? I haven't made my move yet, mainly because I don't know what my move is going to be, but in a perfect world, the move would be made by "Bob" (his real name) by moving out of the park. I'm going to give the situation until tomorrow, and if his trashy p.o.s backhoe is still there, I'm gonna write him him up.

I've come to the conclusion that I like Netflix more than I like men, because when I'm done with a series on Netflix, I miss it and don't want to burn it's house down and destroy everything it's ever loved. I've started so many series on Netflix, some out of sheer desperation, they were to short, or too weird but I ended up loving them, maybe not everything about them, but enough to stick around to see how things end, and sometimes I'll even recommend them to friends when I'm finished, and  I haven't had one single husband that I would pass on to anyone I cared about. And the other thing about Netflix, is that it's all about me. If I have a busy day, I don't have to check in or explain anything, and it's always happy to see me when I'm ready. I can even switch things up to Hulu and Netflix doesn't say a word, no guilt trip, like "Oh really, Hulu again?" because I'd be all like "Yeah, Hulu can give me things you can't, like Fallon and Stewart and Schumer" but I never have to defend myself. And, Netflix is always improving to keep things interesting, and it doesn't even cost 20.00 a month, which is a drop in the ocean compared to what my last two three if you insist on counting the one I married twice husbands have cost me, and that's with added discs, so I can have Netflix three ways... DVD, streaming or iPhone. I think what I love most about Netflix though, is it's always there for me and my family, even the kid in the paper pants loves Netflix.

By the way, this is not an endorsement for Netflix, just something I was thinking about while I'm having my morning coffee with Netflix because this is the unexplainable way my brains work.

I have to go to school now, and just so you know, I am loving the classes on Treehouse and Codecadamy!

Stay Classy

Driving Miss Crazy

I told you we moved all the craft crap back from the little falling down house and I'm glad we did because now I have my mojo back. With everything in the same house again I am better able to start the two rugs I need to make and I made a batch of soap day before yesterday, the first one all summer. It's just so much easier when I can start something and then go about doing something else and pick up my project again ten minutes later instead of having to walk between houses or sit over there away from all the action here (wifi). The Etsy shop has been out of soap for a looooong time, so I'll be making a bunch of it to restock the shelves. This is the first one up, Lot #1 Tie Dye Tutti Frutti...

It's not an all fruit fusion, mostly just summer melons and it's super lightly scented. I figured the color was bold enough for a light scent. How do you like your soap and lotions, really scenty or a little scenty? I usually end up going light on all of my soaps, but then I smell other soaps that are really strong and love them. I'm conflicted.

I have two rugs I need to start, and I have them both already built in my brain, I just need to put them together, and with the rugs, starting is always the hardest part. I don't like the cutting because I'm afraid of the blade on the rotary cutter so I got a pair of those sword fighter gloves so I won't lose a finger, but the gloves are a size too big so my hands are sloppy when I'm cutting, but cutting goes so much faster than ripping, and ripping leaves strings allll overrrrr everyyyyything.

This is one I've already sold.

I know, you're probably thinking to yourself right now, "wow, if that's all this woman has to worry about she's got it made", but that's not true, I do have big problems. For one, I'm fat and have to deal with constant breast sweat and pokey underwires and two, I think I have a piano stealing vagrant living in the barn. Yes, you heard that right. A piano stealing vagrant living in the barn.

Yesterday Wyatt went to the barn to get some milk crates for his clothes, because I guess keeping your underwear in a dresser drawer is too mainstream and while he was up looking in one of the storage rooms, he realized he was standing in a big clean spot where one of those 1970's electric basement organs used to be. It didn't work and I've even tried to sell them (Yes, we have more than one. Many more than one. My Grampy was what some people may refer to as an "extreme" hoarder) on Craigslist, but seriously, who wants a circa 1970's electric organ like your Aunt Edith used to play at Christmas and family reunions. But that's not the point, the point is, how did someone back up to our barn and load up an organ and drive away un-noticed? So as I was texting Eric, the Assistant Park Supervisor to come down and walk through the barn with me, I pulled up last months power bill for the barn and it was almost TRIPPLE what it normally is. Right? So crazy! We went up and posted No Trespassing signs all over the barn, but couldn't find any evidence of anyone being there other than raccoons, possum, and skunks, and they can't read so it won't keep them out, but I have everyone in the park on high alert for any suspicious characters hauling pianos or any other goods and furniture out of the barn. I'll keep you posted of any developing situations.

Today is Wyatt's final drive to get his license. He has done so well during this entire course, that he has actually really screwed up his "poor student" standing, because, I have learned that if he likes, and is interested in something, he passes with flying colors. That's ok though, now I'll have driving privileges to suspend him from for poor grades. Sucks to be him in an Algebra class this year. 

Wendy and I are going to the Upper Left Corner of the Unites States of America to get my Mothers Volkswagen for me to use as a second car while she's in the nursing home (Another story for another day) so I don't have to drive the farm truck as a second when Wyatt is driving my car. I would look like a mountain woman coming into town for supplies if I had to drive that truck all the time, it's thirty+ years old with four different shades of peeling paint, moss growing in the cracks and bailing twine wrapped around the bumpers. My rubber boots, ill fitting clothes and bad hair do enough harm to my image, I don't need a shitty whip too.

Stay Classy~

That Smell

It's Monday, garbage day, thank God. Usually that isn't such a big deal, but three days ago I started to gag and die notice an odd smell every time I went to the fridge (which is often) and ended up spending a better part of the morning hosing down cleaning and disinfecting it. Even though this effort left me with a large sense of pride and personal satisfaction, as well as leaving Pearl the Pig with a full belly, the smell remained. My mind went immediately to the mice and snakes that the cat has brought in the house throughout the summer as offerings, and could we possibly have dead vermin under one of the appliances. I decided I needed some time to work out a plan, and that I would sit awhile with a hot cup of coffee while looking at Pinterest for a few hours minutes. When I reached for the powdered creamer the dish felt a little light so I went to the back corner cupboard to get the giant Costco container to refill it and it was then... that I smelled... The foulest stench... To have ever been stenched by any living thing on the face of this earth. Potatoes, rotting potatoes, they were the cause of the smell that had then been released by the opening of the cupboard door, the smell that could have very well caused bodily and spiritual harm, rotting, molding, liquefied, potatoes that had spilled out of the bag and run all o v e r the cupboard. I looked over at Wyatt who had fallen to the floor, writhing and covering his face and burning eyes with a towel and very calmly told him to put a few things that mattered to him in a sack and go stand in the driveway while I poured the gas and lit the match to burn the place to the ground. Then I had to stop and mentally go over the insurance value of the barn house and decided that wasn't a viable option. I briefly considered moving, but decided that I would have to clean the cupboard to sell the place anyway, and then clean everything else and pack boxes, and then move all of our shit in and out of cars and trucks and then unpack somewhere else, and then, the probabilities of something like this happening again, e.g the hard boiled egg in Wyatt's dresser incident of '07, were high. That left me with only one option, clean the corner cupboard of the liquefied potato waste.

The rest of the story is really too horrible to repeat, and I would for sure have to put an NC 17 rating on this post due to language, so let me just wrap it up by saying it will be a while before we consume anything potato based in this house again and an even longer time before purchasing and storing excessive amounts of potatoes.

So now you are probably wondering why the excitement of garbage day, when we obviously don't have the stench in the house anymore. Right, we don't, but, we were faced with a new problem yesterday when Wyatt went in to the utility room to start a load of wash. He came running out into the living room with the same towel over the face routine, and I looked at him and shook my head and told him he was definitely over playing whatever it was that was causing this display of over reaction. He said we had another smell so horrible he couldn't even breathe due to his melting nose hairs and the burning in his lungs. I almost threw a shoe at him, but thought better (CPS, jail time and court fees) of it and decided to go have a look. Let me just tell you, whatever the smell in the cupboard, it was a day at Disneyland compared to the vile smell in the utility room. With bleeding eyeballs, and failing lungs we set to work of finding the source. We started going through every single thing in that room, one at a time, item by item, taking things out arm full by arm full. At one point, I emptied a little trash can into a bigger trash can and sent Wyatt out to empty it, and that's when it happened. Remember when you used to watch cartoons and an anvil would fall out a ten story window onto someones head and the scream that would follow?

Yeah. That was Wyatt. So. I guess I may have tossed a salmon skin from dinner two nights before straight into the trash without wrapping it or putting it in a sealed bag, and I guess I may have put it in the outside garbage so it wouldn't stink up the inside garbage. That's what the smell was, the rotten potato met the stinking salmon and what followed was a heinous stew of decomposing, 100+ degree swill that was wafting in through the open windows of the utility room.

We sealed the garbage can and moved it into the yard far away from the house and may God help the garbage man when he picks it up in the morning.

That's why I'm glad it's Monday. How was your weekend?

Too Hot To Be Cool

Seriously, this weather is kicking my ass. Today will be the third day in a row of it being over 100 degrees and I know that some of you may be saying, "so", but for Oregon, this is end times. I think if I was tall and thin and blond and in a bikini laying on a rock at the river my outlook would be completely different, but short, fat, on the very south side of forty, on a trailer park farm in a tie died mumu and Birkenstocks, it totally sucks. The ONLY thing about this weather that I love is the line dried clothes, especially sheets and blankets. Towels are a close second mostly because I live to hear the howls from the bathroom when Wyatt gets out of the shower and rubs his skin off with a fresh towel. It's the only way I can think of to get him to use a towel more than once. It's only the first time that hurts. This is way off topic and probably a story for another day, but honest to God when I was a kid, we lived in a tent and then a house without electric heat (only wood), a regular stove or oven (only wood) and NO dryer. We had to hang dry all of our clothes next to the wood stove and you don't know how effing ridiculous until you have to put on line dried underpants and jeans so stiff they stand alone. I know you think I'm making this up so I'll give you all the stupid details later. Remind me though, because I'll probably forget.

What was I talking about? The heat. Whatever, I'm over it. David Olsen.

Here's a picture of my linens on the line. How dumb is it that I have a snowflake flannel sheet hanging... I use it as a blanket.

As I was out getting the laundry this morning Buddy, the blackishbrown and white dog laid down to chew a stick in front of our little house. That was the house that I came home to when I was born and then for the following forty or so years it was used as a rental, but the last few years has been hard on that little house, and it's started falling apart. The chimney side wall is falling off, the floors are falling in, the widows don't fit any more and birds fly in and the blackberries have taken over. Wendy and Jesay even lived there right after they got their kid, and I loved it when they were my neighbors, but I guess I'm glad if it had to come to an end, that it ended with them. Kind of a full circle in my heart.

I was going to use it as my craft house and hauled all my junk over there, but it's too far gone even for that. So we hauled all my junk back to the barn and now that all my stuff is back in the utility room. I think I'll make some soap today, the Etsy store has been out for a long time.

Here's the falling down house with the resident coyote control officer.

Next. 

I'm having a problem. My dad had stainless steel teapots on his boat and I of course inherited them. For years I never used them because they just didn't really go with anything, but then I decided to use them anyway and because I used them they sat on my stove and got all my cooking junk on them and even though I would wipe them down and wash them they still got gunky and now I have two gunked up stainless steel teapots that I have been forever trying to clean (before I put them away again). I have tried the green Scotch Bright pads and Barkeepers Friend and even Melaleuca Tub and Tile because hand to Jesus that stuff will clean the spots off a hog, but nothing is working. The big flat areas look great but the cracks won't budge. Any ideas?