Post Christmas Post

Ok everybody, this is it... The last blog post of the year!!!

When everyone is home it's just to hard to sit down and get a thought out and since Wyatt is with my Mom this afternoon, I thought I would belt one out while he's gone.

We had a fantastic Christmas. Very modest, probably the smallest one I can ever remember present wise, but I'm telling you, it was so cool! I felt like the gifts we gave we gave because we felt them, not because we felt we needed to and there was never the feeling of having to shop just to have a gift to give. I gave 6 one thing, he gave me one thing, Wyatt only got a few things and they were things that were really special to him and Wendy only got a few things. I'm telling you, NO pressure and it was so refreshing!



Later in the day my Mom came out and we had an early dinner with her and then just sat around eating cupcakes and cookies and fudge and candy all day!

I'm telling you, a minimalist Christmas is where it's at for this family from now on. I think I've been so caught up in the feeling of having to out-do myself every year that I lost track of what it's really all about and it took Wendy to point it out for me...

It's about family.

Thanks Wen.



I made some castile soap yesterday and the color and scent ~ juniper breeze~ turned out SO great, I can't wait to cut it tomorrow!



This summer Kenna needs to come down and we can do a soap tutorial on the blog.

Kenna makes really beautiful soaps and is the one who taught me how to make soap!



Lets cross our fingers that kenna doesn't get angry that I jacked this photo from her Facebook shall we :)

We still don't have the falling down fence fixed and so I still have a bony old brown horse and a stubborn spotted mule in my yard. I don't mind, I like having them out there, but 6 doesn't like them in the garage.



As soon as the weather is decent and 6 is home for more than a day we'll get the fence fixed, but until then they have to stay in the yard or else they wander up in to the mobile spaces and the trailerpark people don't appreciate that too much.

Do you have any big New Years plans?

We don't.

I'll be in bed before midnight for sure but I think I'll make some more cupcakes and a nice dinner. Or maybe just cupcakes for dinner.

Do you have any resolutions?

Wyatt asked me the other day if I had any and I told him yes, to maintain the weight of a seven-foot tall man. He just shook his head and walked away. Whatever, I least I'm realistic.

Ok, I gotta go, see you next year!

Blog On The Run

It seems like every time I sit down to write a post I get sidetracked, but just because I'm not posting doesn't mean you have to miss out on the fun, you can keep up with everything farm on Fat Bottom Facebook!

Just hit "like" at the top of the page and follow along with the holiday mayhem that is sure to ensue!

Click ~HERE~ and I'll see you there!

 

Merry Christmas!

Just Five More Minutes...

Thats it.

I'm done.

No more six a.m wake ups.

We're homeschooling.

I know, I know what you're thinking... But Marilyn, haven't you always said if you were to homeschool you would major in Spongebob? Yes, I have said that, but we don't watch Spongebob anymore.

It doesn't matter how tired I am or how early I go to bed, I can never ever get to sleep before midnight and so when that stupid alarm goes off I always throw it on the floor hit snooze and then wake up to late and it's like a chinese fire drill getting out the door on time.

Well, now that I'm awake and he's on the bus maybe I won't sign him up today, and Christmas break does start on Monday, but I swear if waking up sucks this bad in January I'm doing it and you can't stop me.

There was a tornado about sixty miles south of here yesterday and they sounded the tornado alarm at school. I thought it was weird when Wyatt told me they locked them in the classroom. Is that weird or is it just me? I wonder why they lock the doors. I'll Google it.

You know what else is weird?

A tornado in Oregon.

Do you know what today is?

Fahrens Birthday!!



I stole this picture from her facebook just now and since I don't know if she'll get mad at me or not I decided not to show her face. If you could see her face though you would see how beautiful she is ♥

Fahren's Mother is not my oldest sister but she just had her birthday on Sunday and she isn't fifty. Yet. But she will be fifty before me. I just like to remind her of that. Alot.

Anyway, I love you both very much Julie and Fahren and I hope you both have a wonderful year!

Peas out.

You can't name That Tune

I remember when I found out I was going to have a baby... Both times.

In my mind I envisioned blowing raspberries on their bellies and playing piggies on their toes.

I remember the day I got them... Both of them. Those beautiful little faces, their eyes meeting mine for the first time. I remember the way they smelled and the absolute joy I felt when I held them in my arms close to my heart.

But something happens as time goes by that changes how you view your perfect little cherubs. Like douchebag boyfriends and band.

Last night was Wyatt's first band concert and my ears are still ringing from the misplayed notes of Hot Crossed Buns and a version of Jingle Bells (I think) that I'm sure even the original composer would fail to recognize.

When Wendy was in sixth grade I forbid her to be in band because I was in band and I know what those instruments sound like when they have the misfortune of being handled by middle schoolers and I remembered how torturous those performances were. Lucky for me, Wendy was the kind of kid that didn't argue or ask questions and happily signed up for choir, which still requires a mandatory Christmas performance appearance but the stakes aren't nearly as high.

But then there's Wy. The way I see it Wyatt either possesses magical powers or I've gone soft as a parent. Probably the latter. That kid has a way of getting everything and doing anything and somehow always manages to convince me he's full of great ideas... Until those great ideas have a direct negative impact on me. For instance, last summer when he decided to catch crawdaddys in the pond with hotdogs on a string and then I had to cook them when I had no idea how to cook crawdaddys and then the crawdaddys heads were full of crawdaddy eggbrains (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little).

Or band.

I guess I'm lucky that Wyatt is obviously a clarinet prodigy because he has NEVER practiced at home. I swear I have never heard him play a note, but last night on that stage with homeless hair and a borrowed tie he belted out those songs with pride and afterwards asked if I could hear him from where I was sitting (as close to the parking lot as possible) as he beamed over his success as a blossoming musician.  So I guess I'm ok with him being musically inclined, as long as I don't have to attend another concert until he's been accepted to the Portland Symphony.

On a lighter note...   ;)

I think 6 will FINALLY be home tonight. I swear, his Mother must feel like she's hit the jackpot and he and I got a divorce and she has him home again. Most of his loads take him up north so that means layovers back home which is really a good thing because he's getting to spend time with his Mom and Maddy. Ever since we moved down here, almost five years ago, he hasn't been able to see them nearly as much as he'd like and he's missed out on so many things like birthdays (and band concerts lucky bastard) and so many other milestones that are so hard to miss. So, even though it's hard to be home alone for so long, I know it just builds my character and keeps my ass from getting to ginormous and at least we get to see him a few days a month which is better than when he was gone to Iraq. I have to say, it's really nice to miss him and not hate his guts anymore. I suppose everyone does stupid things, look at me, I've done at least five stupid things and at least two REALLY stupid things~Jack~and we all deserve a do-over. I'm really glad he's doing his so well ♡

See you tomorrow.

Tis The Season Already?

I have restarted the same load of laundry six times.

Whatever I don't care, but I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of brain disorder or if I'm just lazy. I don't think I'm lazy because I'm always doing stuff, it's just that I'm always doing stuff that I want to do and not necessarily what I need to do and what I want to do is fun up until the point that I need to do what I want to do and then I don't always want to do it anymore.

Can you believe it's almost Christmas! I have my Christmas tree up but I haven't decorated anything. 6 brought the decorations down two weeks ago but I haven't put anything out yet. It seems to soon but maybe if I start decorating it'll feel more like Christmas. What's really crazy is Wyatt isn't even talking about Christmas this year. I haven't seen any Christmas programs on T.V, I only hear Christmas music in the car, I haven't driven by any Christmas tree lots and we live in the Christmas tree capital of the world for cripes sake, it's like we're in some kind of weird holiday vortex. Maybe as the big day gets closer and maybe when 6 comes home it will seem more festive. That and I should probably start eating boxes of chocolate covered cherries and stacks of  Christmas cookies and drinking whiskey eggnogs and schnapps and hot chocolate.

Do you read PW? If you don't, you should. She made Christmas cookies last week and OMG, they make my Christmas cookies look gen.u.ine.lee trailerpark. Take a look at these...



Is that amazing! You really need to go read the whole post and see how they make these little frosted gems. I wonder if PW has a sister, because if she does I need to meet her because I think we would probably have a lot in common. My sister is a total PW except I guess you would call her an IW because she lives on an Island. She sews and cooks and cleans and has had the same husband all her life and has four kids and none of them have ever been to jail. I wonder how many times PW's sister has been married or if any of her kids have ever been to jail... Oh well, I look at it this way, what I lack in domestic ability I more than make up for in dramatic interest.

Well, thats all for today, I need to go drink eggnog and think about Christmas decorations!

After School Special

Well the whole a-hole teacher situation worked out great! I decided to use reverse psychology on him just like I do my kids and he was like putty in my hands. ACCKK... I just took my first drink of coffee and it tastes like Juan valdezs' donkey made it!

Gag.

Gross, I'll be right back.

That was a whole pot do-over.

Anyway, the principle and the counselor we fantastic and I felt like they really had Wyatt's back and were on board to get things on track to help create a less chaotic classroom environment.

You know, it's not to often anymore that I have to go out into the world and interact with people and use big words. To better understand this you have to realize that I used to be a social queen, working around people ten hours a day and loving it plus being socially involved (a busybody) with my entire downtown community. I knew what was going on with everyone, who was dating who, who was getting a divorce, who got fired, who got hired, you name it, I knew it. It was like a second full-time job for me, keeping up on everyone elses business, but on top of all that I also found time to be somewhat attractive or at least inoffensive to look at. Not so much anymore. It took me at least thirty minutes to pick out clothes to wear yesterday. I had to find pants to wear without an elastic waistband, shoes that weren't covered in mud, a bra that lifted and seperated and a shirt that didn't have food stains across the chest. When I fired up my flat iron and grabbed a brush I almost fainted over the amount of grey hair on my head and when I leaned into the mirror to get a closer look I got an eye-full of my unwaxed brow (at this point singular is correct) so I grabbed 6's razor and cut myself shaving it and had to apply a toilet paper spit wad over my left eye that I luckily remembered to remove before going into the school. Gawd, I used to be bleach blonde and height weight proportionate and now I'm a grey haired fatty frump with razor burned brows. Oh well, I guess I could always go on a diet and buy a bottle of peroxide, but I kind of like things how they are, and I really like having ice cream for breakfast and pancakes for dinner.

Ugh.

The cow man commeth.

Goodbye pain in the ass cows that have caused me so much grief the past twelve months.

Buddy will miss you.



I have to go make slippers.

See you tommorow.

Oh yeah, one more thing, remember to click on the Facebook box over there on the right. I'm going to quit posting blog updates on my personal page soon (Susan, just hit like and your in) and I don't want you to be left behind :)

Deep Thoughts

Last night I watched the movie Bruce Almighty. I loved it, and I really loved that Morgan Freeman played God, and I really really loved that he played God before he got all the weird spots on his face (Morgan Freeman not God.) You know the part when Jim Carey starts hearing everyone's prayers all at once and the sound of everyone's voice starts freaking him out? Sometimes that happens to me. I don't hear people's prayers, but I get so many thoughts running through my head that it starts to drive me nuts, and my problem is, they aren't all happy thoughts about eating salted caramel and taking naps, they're doomy thoughts like, well here's an example... I get so caught up about Wendy and her douchebagboyfriend that I don't just think about what I think is going wrong in her life right now, but I think about how bad things could get for her in the future and then I start worrying about who's going to take care of the baby (that she doesn't have) and what if she can't get a job and who's going to drive her to the prison on visiting day to see the douchebag after he knocked over a liquor store because she doesn't have a car that runs and even if the car did run she probably doesn't have gas money and will I watch the baby when she goes to the prison or will the douchebags family watch the baby and if the baby stays with them will they smoke around her (I think the baby's a her) and I know they have guns in the house, and probably loaded bear traps too and what if she gets pulled over for speeding and doesn't have insurance and goes to jail and then Hazel (the baby) ends up being a ward of the state. At the same time that I'm having those thoughts about Wendy, I'm also thinking about my favorite peacock that was eaten by owls two nights ago and how if I could go back in time and lock the door to the pen maybe the peacock wouldn't have come outside during the night and maybe if I had put up one of those creepy plastic owls the owl wouldn't have gone near the coop and maybe if I had put a radio in the coop the owl wouldn't have been down there in the first place but then I wonder if birds can sleep with the radio on and then I get mad at myself because I never remember to turn the T.V off before I go to sleep.

These are just last nights thoughts, and trust me it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist.

I have a conference with Wyatt's teacher tomorrow.

Actually, I have a conference with Wyatt's teacher, the principle and the counselor because Mr Griffin is such a boob and Wyatt's classroom is more like the WWF than it is a group of kids sitting around in short chairs soaking up knowledge paid for with our hard-earned tax dollars. When I call to talk about the issues I'm having I always get the same answer, "there's problems in that classroom this year, but we're working on it." Listen, Wyatt is far from being the perfect student, but he's always gotten along well with his teachers and held his own academically. This year? Not so much. There is so much chaos going on in the classroom that even if Wyatt goes to Mr G for help he gets the brush off. I have sent emails about my concerns and received replies that were SO defensive you would have thought I was accusing the guy of a federal offense. Two weeks ago, after being ignored so many times, Wyatt flat-out asked Mr G if he hated him and his reply was, "do I have to answer that Wyatt." Are you kidding me? WTF? This guy is not only a nimrod, he's a nimrod who is having a negative impact on my kids education and I have real problems with that. So my question is, what kind of response should I expect to get from the school. What would be appropriate action from them when there is a classroom so out of control that there is actual physical altercations going on and so much chaos that the teacher has lost control of his students and is unable to provide a productive learning environment.

I need your answers in essay form no later than tomorrow morning 8:00 A.M.

Have a good day, you're all dismissed.

Post Holiday Update

Hello.... Is anyone still here?

The only excuse I have for not blogging for a week (or more) is, well, I don't have one.

Thanksgiving was quiet and uneventful, the only crisis was that I forgot the mashed potatoes. Can you believe that? Who forgets the mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving? Me. I got lucky though and had an old box of instant so all things considered dinner was a success.

Wendy was with her douchebag boyfriend and his family so we were all sad she wasn't here with us but thats how it goes and thats all I have to say about that.

Right after Thanksgiving I got a big Etsy order for slippers so I was crocheting until my fingers bled ached to get it finished. Sometimes I wonder if I should even sell on Etsy because I get terrible shippers remorse as soon as I leave the post office. What if they get their stuff and HATE it and think "what kind of bozo sells this shit" I mean really, you never know. I made Tiffany a hat and shipped it off to her and then she posted a picture of herself wearing it and all I could think was that I made a grey bucket not a hat. It fit my giant head, but it looked pretty big on her. {Tiff you can always send it back and I'll size it up a bit} So now I'm suffering from slipper shipper anxiety and wondering if some woman in Canada is staring at a giant box of slippers wondering what the hell she got herself into. I wonder if there's some kind of crafters disorder that I suffer from and need to seek treatment for. I wonder if there's medication for it. Probably not.

I have a bunch of soap I need to label and send out the first of next week, maybe I'll toss back some xanax and gin before I do.

I made a Fat Bottom Facebook page and posted the link over there to the right. From now on I'm only going to be posting blog updates there because I don't want to blog bombard the people who don't read it. It will also have the links to my Etsy and Twitter so if you happen to be a farm fan that's where you'll find all things farm from now until forever.

6 just called. He won't be home this weekend. This new job is great, but I miss having him home to do the jobs I don't like doing. Like the dishes. And laundry. And anything heavy dirty or gross.

The Bad Baby Buddy got in the pasture and escaped out the other side into the mobile spaces and chased one of the trailer people's cat and caught it and tried to eat it yesterday. Why would he do that? He doesn't chase our cats. I read online that dogs are prey driven animals and if something lives in their house it isn't prey but if it's outside it is. I don't understand, but for now Buddy is imprisoned in the house until 6 fixes the hole in the fence.

He. Is. Driving. Me. Crazy.

Wyatt's teacher is causing us huge amounts of grief and I'm going to tell you all about it Monday so get ready with you best what to do when your kids teacher is an a-hole advice.

Thank You.

Oh, one more thing... I think I have an ulcer from too much ibuprofen. It KILLS. I've tried Prevacid and it didn't help. Any suggestions?

Thanksgiving Crafts and Cooking!

~Repost from Friday~

Ok, so as promised in yesterdays post, today I have gathered some different examples on how to add to your holiday enjoyment through simple crafting and creative cooking. It has always been my belief that the family that drinks crafts and cooks together stays together.

 

So let's get started...

It's always fun to show your holiday spirit through fashion and nothing says I'm thankful like a sweater vest!



So go ahead and make a real sleeveless statement and flaunt your bounty in a cozy colorful poly acrylic blend. These timeless beauty's are a cinch to make, just cut the sleeves off an old sweater and hot glue on some seasonal applique!

When it's time to gather with the kids here are a few craft ideas to really drive home the true meaning of the day.

Toilet paper pilgrims!

 

These TP pilgrim puppets will keep the little ones delighted for hours and while they're spending time exploring the new world you can work on "covering their base" by whipping up this lovely crochet toilet tissue cover!



Seriously, your friends and family will definitely feel the warmth of your giving when they go to grab that swaddled roll.

Now lets move on to the kitchen...

Not everyone in you clan may be up for a poultry feast so it's alway a good idea to serve a vegan dish as well, and I find that a nice jello mold always puts a smile on those meat free mugs!



This dish will take a little time to set up, so start preparing right after you tap the wine when you wake up, and remember to garnish with a little fresh fruit. If you don't have any fresh, a nice can of cocktail will work in a pinch.



Now, if you remember, yesterday I made quite a to-do about cranberry sauce and how I'm particular to the can brand, but today I found an enticing new way to serve cranberries in the round...



Now that's what I call going "full circle" and trust me when I tell you that I'm looking forward to making that bold leap from jellied disc to molded ring!

But I realize that not everyone may share the same love of the little red berry and so for the rest of you I found this to set upon your holiday table...

 

Beautiful right?

Ruby red crocheted fauxberries, ridges and all!

Ok, winding things down, it's always nice to have a wide array of desserts to offer. Tired of the same old hum drum pumpkin pie?

Try these...

 

 

Rice Krispi Turkeys with mini marshmallows and fruit loops!

And last but not least lets not forget our four-legged friends!

 

 

They will be truly thankful Thanksgiving only comes once a year.

Well, that wraps things up for my Thanksgiving Tips and Treats post, have a great weekend!

 

Trailerpark Turkey Talk

This weather is CRAZY!

The wind has been blowing so hard and it's been raining pigs and chickens.

They're calling for thirty hundred inches of snow in the mountains and some even as low as a thousand feet which means us baby. I think.

Ok so yesterday like a hundred readers {Kenna Marie and Andrea P} asked for some Trailepark Thanksgiving recipes. Oh my gosh! I got so excited I could barely wait to write this post!

You see I love love love Thanksgiving. It is without a doubt my favorite holiday. All of the family stress and pressure without the shopping.

I have never been one of those people who wake up when it's still dark to start cooking and frankly, I don't know what those people do in the dark. For all I know they're in there tapping the box so as to be a little more thankful and a lot more grateful.



I don't even start cooking until mid morning.

Here's an unbelievable fact.

I have never served nor tasted a green bean casserole.



I know huh... A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

I tackle Thanksgiving the easiest way possible. I use powdered gravy from a plastic jug that I buy once a year at Costco. I use instant mashed potatoes from a box I buy at Winco. I use store brand stuffing mix and store-bought dinner rolls and canned green beans and for SURE canned cranberry sauce cut in the round and I LOVE  the way the can leaves ridges on the sauce. And why do they call it sauce anyway? I do serve fresh asparagus and the one thing I am MOST particular about is... The sweet potatoes yams.

I don't use sweet potatoes because they're not very colorful and up to a year or so ago I never even knew there was a difference but anyway,  I always use yams, but I call them sweet potatoes. I boil them up just like I would a regular potato for mashing, but then I pour in some real heavy cream, tons of butter, handfuls of brown sugar and mash it all together and top it off with a package of mini marshmallows. The colored ones add an extra festive feeling to the dish.



But my most accomplished Thanksgiving dish ever was prepared the year I spent with my sister a few years back.

She asked what I wanted to bring and knowing full well I could never live up to her culinary prowess I figured I just better go big on what I did best.

Trailerpark Cuisine.

Since I knew I couldn't compete with whatever Julie would be serving I decided to create my own playing field where I could stand alone and take home the gold.

And that my friends is when Trailerpark Sweet Potato Yams were born.

Oh I did all the usual things, heavy cream, brown sugar, butter and mini marshmallows, but the secret ingredient on that special day was the...

Circus Peanut.

Yes, you heard me, the Circus Peanut. Laid atop the snow-white blanket of mini marshmallows in maple leaf formation.

It was truly a sight to behold, a vision no one had ever seen the likes of before and may very well never see again, but on that day, that glorious day, in my mind, that dish stole the show.

Don't get me wrong, the perfectly basted turkey was moist and mouth-watering as were the fresh cranberries and hand kneaded delicately risen rolls, but I must say, those sweet potatoes yams were like manna from heaven.

So there you have it everyone {Kenna Marie and Andrea P} my favorite Trailerpark Thanksgiving recipe!

See you tomorrow, maybe with some Thanksgiving Craft Ideas :)

I don't blog during the summer.

Or if I have company.

That's  so dumb because that's when the best stuff happens.

I'm trying to think of something to say or a funny story to tell, but I got nothin.

I think I'll get a perm . In February.

And some new shoes.

Here's a picture of Pooter and Astro.

Not Very Alarming...

Ugh... My brain is in spaz mode right now because for like the thirteenth morning in a row my alarm didn't go off,  and today I woke up with only six minutes to get Wyatt out the door. I'm not sure what I even packed in his lunch, for all I know, he may be having a can of Spam and some sweetened condensed milk for lunch, and I guarantee you he isn't wearing clean underpants but I do know he took a swipe at his teeth albeit I'm sure with a dry brush.

Oh well, we get a do-over tomorrow.

And tonight I'm going to get a different clock, I'm through giving my stupid other broken one chances. I mean it.

Wendy was here yesterday ♡

We had a really nice day even though she's still pretty sick. Every time she coughed I thought she was going to spit a lung out on my coffee table so I dosed her up with cough syrup and cough drops and some Sudafed which helped, but she was still coughing and gagging all day, so we just took it easy and watched documentaries about obesity and meth addicts. I know that sounds depressing, but really it makes you feel good about who you are because you don't weigh a metric ton or snort battery acid.

SH!T!!!!DARN!!!

I forgot to take the garbage out and the truck just went by.

Mannnnn I hate it when I forget to take the garbage out, but when 6 is gone we hardly have any garbage. I wonder why that is.

Back to Wendy.

She looks good, but she has jet black hair with two red stripes in the front on either side of her face but I just acted like I didn't notice and I didn't say anything, but that got shot all to hell when Wyatt came home and said

WENDYYOURHAIRISBLACKWITHREDSTRIPES

and so then I said  oh yeah, cute :)  I kind of think she knows it's pretty wild, and she is in beauty school and I just need to settle down and remember that when I was in beauty school I had red hair for Valentines Day and green hair for St Paddy's Day and dated Wayne Radder and so maybe this too shall pass.

The wind blew so hard here last night, I think some of your stuff is in my yard. The dogs were barking all night as things crashed and banged and I laid in bed remembering the Wizard of Oz and envisioned chickens being blown past the house and that skinny b!tch from the mobile spaces riding by on a stationary bicycle.

I think Astro just pooped in a plant.

See ya tomorrow.

Sickness & Celebrations

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I have ben sooooo sick I thought for sure I was gonna tip over.

I was so sick I envisioned my kids arguing over who was going to get Pooter and Pearl after I was gone...



And knowing for sure a fight would ensue over Astro the cutest kitten in the whole world.



And as I laid there I wondered if my family would really follow through with my wishes of playing Fly Me To The Moon and Lime and the Coconut at my services and serve wiener winks and Little Smokies in grape jam like I requested or if they'd just bring in a pizza and some garlic bread from Papa Murphys.

If my Sister was in charge of things I know she'd serve a nice lasagna and offer a variety of pies.

{Note to self, put Julie in charge of  send off social}

Anyway I'm up and around today but moving pretty slow, well slower than usual... But up is good, and being able to breathe is good and being able to talk is good (for me) and being able to Twitter, Facebook and Etsy is really good (no laptop.)

Wendy is coming out today!

I haven't seen her in a few weeks so I'm soooper excited to see her and hear how school is going and hopefully she'll tell me that she's seen the light and realized what a d-bag her stupid boyfriend is and that she's met a wonderful, smart handsome guy with a car and a job who doesn't live with his parents and has a valid drivers license and can pass a drug test with his own pee. I know, I'm asking a lot, but I can dream, right?

And..... Last but not least, today is 6's Birthday!



I have nothing romantic or mushy to say, only this... Thank gawd you're finally older than me (you can tell by the picture how old he is) and I hope you have a wonderful day in Canada and I hope that you get me a way better gift for my Birthday than I got you for yours.

In other Birthday news, my oldest friend in the whole world is celebrating today too!



I  have nothing mushy to say to you either.

Thankfully we established a non sensitivity pack in the very beginning of our friendship when you gave me a bloody nose when we had to walk hand in hand to the lunchroom because I had sweaty hands.

So, my gift to you Valerie is that I have ALWAYS let you be skinnier than me and a reminder that you were NEVER the purse watcher.

I love you both.

❤

Seasons Greetings!

oh. Ma. Gawd.....

I'm sitting here with a fire going, my first cup of Christmas creamer coffee hot and steamy goodness in front of me and Christmas music on the t.v holiday channel.

I feel like I should be wrapping gifts. Maybe I should get a jump-start and just tell everyone this year Christmas is themed and the theme is free or found around the house. I could give my mom a nice desk lamp, my sister a colorful set of  plastic summertime outdoor wine glasses and my other sister a set of lovely gently used cookbooks and three or forty crochet dishrags. I could give 6 some work boots that I already know fit him perfectly, some nice wool socks and a pair of genuine leather work gloves. I could give Wyatt some scissors and printer paper for art projects and eighteen bazillion Bionicles. And I could give Wendy what's left of a can of hairspray I've had for four years  (she is in the beauty industry now you know) an almost new tray of coordinating eye shadows and a box of panty liners. {I want to make sure and keep her gifts personal and not give her anything that her douchebag boyfriend could use or enjoy}

I totally feel like I'm on to something here.

Remember this picture...



How handy is that, my Dad is already wrapped!

I'll re-gift him to myself. He's like the gift that keeps on giving because he's made me happy since the day we met and it doesn't even matter if he's in a box now, just thinking about him makes me smile :)

Well. That's a good feeling, having the holidays knocked out before the stupid seasonal commercials start screaming at me that I need to get up and get out and spendspendspend!

No segway.

Last night I made PW's skinny pork chops.

~PW's Photo~

I can't use my own photo because they aren't on a plate long enough to photograph.

Ummm... They are SO simple and SO deeelicous, they are simply deeelicious.

I swear these will become you very most favorite quicky cheapo dinner.

Mouthwateringly deeelicious.

Did I say how good they are?

Very good.

Ok, I have a rug to finish and I should probably get busy putting up the tree.

See you tomorrow, Merry Christmas!

Kitchen Chaos

This morning as I was loading the dishwasher I did something so shocking I almost blew my own mind. I loaded the silverware heads up. Not just to be a rebel, but to see if there really is a difference in how clean the utensils get. See I was always a heads UP girl and then Trina said that was wrong because then you handle the heads on the way out which totally makes sense to me and add that to the fact that there is less risk of losing a finger or slicing your wrist open heads down but there has always been that nagging voice in me that says heads up.



My sister has a fancy pants dishwasher where the silverware lies on its side on its own shelf and I have anxiety even writing this because I don't get it. See there's a system to loading that kind of rack and if you're the kind of person that struggles with heads up heads down how can you possibly handle on its side in certain order.



I'm having a grit in the butt of my glasses issue with my washer too. I wonder what that's all about.

Now I'm going to tell you something that might make you decide you don't like me.

I'm going to share with you what a freak I am.

A few years ago 6 got me a set of Rachel Ray pots and pans but I gave them to his mother because Rachel Ray drives me nuts because she's always licking the corner of her mouth and I couldn't concentrate on cooking, all I could think about was Rachel Ray licking the corner of her mouth and I would end up a total basket case before dinner was even on the table.



Then my sister gave me a Rachel Ray cookbook and I had to pass that on too because the thought of her on the shelf in my kitchen licking the corner of her mouth was enough to give me fits.

There's more...

Shortly after I passed off the set of Rachel Ray pot lickers 6 got me a set of Paula Dean cookware (I wonder if he's a secret shopping channel watcher...) but I can't stand her either because she's so political and I don't want to be thinking about Paula's political opinions when I'm making a pot roast or no bake cookies. I really love her love of butter but hold the opinion please, if I want to know the state of the nation I'll turn on the news thank you very much.



So I've decided I'm going back to cast iron frying pans and Walmart Target Kmart garage sale pots.



OMG!

I always forget about the garage sale my Grampy left up in the barn, there's enough miscellaneous bits and pieces of this and thats up there to outfit seventy hundred kitchens!

I gotta put my boots on, I'm going shopping.

Look at this...

This is what Wyatt made last night...



This one is made from pages out of a magazine, but he also has one he's working on that is white and he's going to spray the tips with spray paint.

That kid LOVES spray paint.

He's going to make some bigger ones to sell on Etsy, and in his mind he already has his millions spent.

6 made it home with his new truck this weekend and it is SO pretty.

Is a truck pretty?

Oh well, this one is. It's Prius green (color not fuel consumption) and it has the really big retroee kind of gages in white and silver and it is huge.

Did I say it was big?

It. Is. Huge.

 

He went to work for

 

 

and he'll be driving the western eleven states and Canada so if you pass him on the road

 

or see him in your rear view

 

be sure to wave.

Or flash him. He would probably like that too. Unless you're a dude.

Ok next.

Here's a picture of our barnyard boss.

Frick.

 

Frick is a Frizzle and I swear she only has feathers about two months out of the year and is the toughest hen you've ever laid eyes on.

Frick is so tough she doesn't lay eggs, she lays rocks.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a picture of her when she has hair because she usually looks like she's getting ready for a dip in a hot pot.

And lastly...

Here's a picture of the cutest thing you'll see all day and maybe even all day tomorrow.

Astro.

 

I know.

We needed a kitten like we needed a hole in our heads and obviously we must have holes in our head to get a kitten, but I swear, if you saw the cutest thing in the whole world you would probably bring it home too so don't hate.

Happy Monday.

Blog Potpourri

You know what makes me mad?

The fact that Wyatt's Dad gets away with not paying child support.

Ever.

How does that work?

What a jerk.

Speaking of Wyatt, I'm mad at him too. He had me sign his progress report this morning and it totally sucked. I need to figure out how to make his education a priority to him. He is so focused on his artwork and creativity which I want to support and I do support, but how do I also instill in him the importance of science, math, and the english language. Not like I'm one to talk or anything, it's hard to stand on the soap box while being the poster child of poor choices, but maybe I could be an example of what not to do, but then I'm afraid I'd lose any shred of credibility that I may have.

Example:

"Wyatt, I dropped out of school and got married six times, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

Do you see my dilemma?

I need Oprah or Bill Gates to have a talk with him because I don't think I'm getting through.

 

Are you SO glad the election is over!!!

At this point I don't even care who won, I am just so glad it's over but I'm also SO mad that campaigning for 2012 begins tomorrow.

I think that all these jerks would be better off donating the money they spend on campaigning to the causes they support instead of on stupid commercials, yard signs and bumper stickers. Just think if all the campaign moneys had gone to the state deficits instead of down the toilet, or to the schools or the VA or homeless shelters or food banks.

I'm in favor of term limits and running on your own merits. That's what I call change.

Ok, that's all. I have to go to town this morning because...

I have to go to the bank.

And the grocery store

And the gas station.

And the post office.

Oh and what else...

Hmmm, I know there's one other place I have to go.

Oh yeah.

To my Mothers.

To get...

The computer she's giving me because she bought a new MacBook Pro so I get her old one that isn't even hardly old a shiny new (to me) glossy screen 21 inch backlit iMac!!!

OMG!!!

So now I'll have my tried and true heart of my heart air that I breathe iMac that my favorite sister gave me upstairs in my craft room and a sparkly new (to me) one downstairs!

I am the luckiest girl in the whole world :)

Except for that part about not getting child support and being married so many times.

 

Big Bug Post

I was so sick yesterday I think I might have almost died but I'm better today.

Here's a photo that has inspired me to breed a dog that has paws filled with Windex instead of covered with mud.



So yesterday I was going to tell you a really disgusting bug story but since I was on the brink of expiring I wasn't able to do so, but fear not, I'm here to tell it to you now.

As you know, this house was built from a barn in the late sixties, and I think it would be a fine idea to research when the original barn was built, but I imagine it was constructed somewhere around the time of the dinosaurs and although my Grampy did an amazing job with the transformation from livestock den to humble abode, facts are facts and it is what it is.

An old barn.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the fact the we live in an old barn. I love this house more than words can express and in every space of this house I see the hard work and love that went in to creating the home that I am so lucky to live in but as with everything, you sometimes have to take the good with the bad and in our case the bad would be...

The GIANT wood-boring beetle.



Or at least that's what we think it is.

We have found one or two dead ones every year that we've lived here. Never a live one, only dead ones which leads me to believe that there may very well be some sort of higher power looking out for me because if I were to encounter one of these things alive I'm sure that I would wet myself or worse.

We also have GIANT lizards but that's a story for another day.

Here's a picture of the upside of this beast that I didn't take but it's the closest thing I can find to our little monster.



Uggghhhh.... Do you have the shivers yet? I do.

Everything I've read says that they live in old wood which makes perfect sense because our house is made out of lots of old wood and the only place we ever find them is between the storm windows dead as doornails in the late fall so they must hatch inside the old wood and eat themselves to death on the way out. I'm sure there are many more that we don't see because they're prey to skunks (my new favorite animal) bats and owls.

Ok, I can't talk about the gross bugs anymore or I'll have the heebes all day.

Do you know what I wish I would have wanted to be when I grew up?

A hippie.

Not like the kind of hippie that lives in a yurt and doesn't shave, but the kind of hippie that eats tofu, wears patchouli and is really thin with long hair and small boobs.



I wish I would have been a hearbalist instead of a manicurist.

Oh well, I guess I'll just go and have another cup of coffee with powdered creamer and Splenda and some leftover Halloween candy and dream about what might have been.

No Tricks and Very Few Treats

Have you ever taken a really big drink from the wrong cup of coffee?

I just did.

Moral of this story... Never put todays cup of coffee next to yesterdays cup of coffee.

We went Trick-or-treating last night and it was a total bust.

Let me preface this story by saying I despise it when people say "back when I was a kid" or "I remember when" or "In my day" because back when you were a kid you were a kid and most of the time (most of the time) life sucks more for adults.

With that being said, when I was a kid we got dressed up, grabbed a pillow case, do you say pillow case or pillow sheet? I say pillow case. And RAN from house to house. Our parents didn't walk with us or follow behind in the car and we went out immediately after dinner and didn't come home until we had finished the job. We got a lot of popcorn balls and sometimes a caramel do you say cAre-a-mel or CAR-mal? I say CARmal. Caramel apples that I sucked the caramel off of because it was kind of slimy and watery, not like caramel on the apples that you get at the fair.

We got quarters and little sacks of candy corn, cookies and of course all the other stuff you would expect, but let me tell you, that is NOT how it is in 2010.

Kids walk from house to house and they all have a cell phone to their ear, except for the really little ones whose parents carry them from house to house and then just set them down in front of the door and then pick them up again and carry them to the next house. There is NO running, no pushing anyone out-of-the-way, no stomping through anyones yard to be the first to the door, it is completely civilized AND these dumb kids are satisfied after only an hour or so and less than a pound of candy in the bag. Now I ask you, how is one pound of candy supposed to sustain both Me and Wyatt for more than a day or so especially after you discount all the dumb stuff like SweeTarts and Three Musketeers. And it bothers me SO much that there is NO running. NO one was running. What the hell. There is supposed to be running on Halloween.

And let me tell you something else, the best reason to have more than one kid is more than one candy bag but I made the mistake of having my kids fifteen years apart so that doesn't work. I still have the headache of two kids, I still have to buy Christmas gifts for two kids and of course the obvious issue that I will have raised children from the time I was sixteen years old till the time I am fifty  and still only have a fifty-fifty chance of having one turn out right AND I only get one bag of candy a year.

Let me tell you what I think the problem is.

I think the problem is that we have ruined our kids.

We feed them whenever they are hungry and we feed them good stuff. I used to have to eat gross stuff, but I ate it because I was hungry and I knew that if I didn't eat it I would starve to death and die.

If Wyatt doesn't like what I make for dinner (like I would ever even consider making something he doesn't like) he knows that he can just have a little Ben and Jerry's or some Easy Mac later. He also knows that if we're at the store I'll buy him stuff that he likes like cereal that doesn't taste like the box it comes in.

So really, why should he worry about hiding candy in his underwear drawer when he knows all he has to do is ask for it and I'll buy it for him.

GAH! I have done this.

I have screwed myself out of the Halloween haul.

6 left for his new job yesterday. They rented him a car and he and some other guy drove to somewhere in Central Oregon for the meet and greet. I hate to tell you what his new job is because I'll get it wrong and he reads the blog and then he'll get all fussy because I never listen to him when he tells me stuff, but I do listen if it's interesting to me.

He is going to be driving flat bed in more than one state and into Canada.

Ha!

Vague but correct.

He'll be gone for a while and then home for a few days so it won't suck as bad as when he was in Iraq but I also won't have him OCD'ing around the house all the time.

It really is the best of both worlds.

And don't think that I think that I'm some peach to live with because I'm not and I know I'm not. I'm a total slob with complete disregard for other people's stuff.

I never put anything away and I seldom rinse my dishes.

I leave my dirty clothes on the floor and I don't brush my teeth before bed, but I'm very friendly and I used to be pretty so no matter what, he's still a lucky guy :)

Tomorrow I'm going to tell you about a HUGE disgusting bug.

Taking A Personal Day

6 is home today getting ready to leave for his new job on Sunday and gawd knows I can't carry a thought with him yammering in my ear all day so I'll be back in November :)

Happy Halloween!

Oh, and even though 6 is a neurotic germaphobe I'll miss his constant blathering and tidying up behind me. We make a pretty good team and things will be awfully quiet around here with him out on the road.

I had A Dream

Ughhhh..... I have so much I need to be doing but I don't want to do it so I'll tell you about this crazy dream I had last night instead.

6 and I were having an in the ground pool built in the front yard, but for some reason we had to live in the garage while they were digging it. I had a hot plate on a shelf and a mini fridge which is weird because in real life we have a full size fridge in the garage. Anyway, we all three had to sleep in the car, my Grammies old car, an 82 Caddy, but in my dream 6 had put a lift kit on it so it was all jacked up and hard to get in and out of. So in my dream, 6 had left for work and Wyatt had gone to school and I was just getting up and stepping out of the jacked up Caddy still in my pajamas when this voice says, "which side do you want the deep end" and I turned around and saw that it was my favorite ex husband, #3! I was really excited to see him and of course I suppose he was shocked out of his mind to see me, but I could hardly talk to him because half way out of the Caddy I realized I was in my nightgown and not wearing a bra and I started freaking out because I was afraid my boobs looked all saggy. I mean in all reality they were probably saggy when we were married, but in my dream it was a huge deal and I didn't want to jump down from the car but I had to get in the house to put on a bra. You can imagine how stressful this was in my dream because in dreams things are already so weird and here I was hanging off a jacked up 82 bustle back Seville braless talking to my third ex husband who was digging my pool. Anyway, even though it was early I offered him some wine from the box in the fridge and was able to divert his attention while I jumped down from the car and found a bra but after I got dressed and came back he was gone and instead of a pool they were adding a third floor on the house and the Cadillac was gone and just Pepper the blind peacock was in the garage.

So if I had to determine the meaning of this dream it would be to never alter the suspension of a classic car and always wear a bra in case unexpected guests drop by.

I wish I really was getting a pool.

Small Talk

I don't have anything interesting to say today, but since I don't let that stop me any other day here goes...

Sometimes I feel really bad for Belle. The other sheep don't like her because she herds them and she spends all her time at the gate yelling for us to come get her or with Joe and Molly and so she probably thinks she's a bony old man horse, an ill-tempered spotted mule or a fat lady in pajamas. The way I figure, since there aren't any mirrors in nature you just assume you look like what you see. Poor Baby Belle, we're going to need to find her a good analyst.



My dogs have fleas and we're all going crazy. Supposedly there's some kind of flea drop shortage in this country and all the stores that have it are charging a bazillion dollars for it so I ordered some online for HALF the price and got free shipping but we have to wait three to five days for it to get here. I feel sorry for the boys, but I feel sorry for me too.



Is election season almost over and can that sh!t get ANY crazier?

I want (6) to paint the entire interior of the house. Right now it's all panelling which I'm sure was stunning  at some point in time, but I'm really ready for some taupe walls with white trim. Just sayin.



Last night I made my favorite dinner in the whole world. I could eat it every night and I would too if I didn't live with a bunch of nellies who insist on meal time variety. I should have taken a picture because it truly is a sight to behold. Here's the link to my world famous trailerpark chicken and rice.

Ummmm, so, ok, I think that about wraps things up for today. I need to go get on with my fabulous life of laundry and trying to beat Kathy Stiller's high score in Bejeweled.

See ya tomorrow.