Just Another Monday...

Happy Monday!

Things have been moving along at a pretty steady pace here on the farm.
Seems like there's lots to do to get ready for fall and the impending winter and today brings a trip up the ladder to clean the gutters.
Or as I refer to them lately, the water bumpers on the house.
I have a few spots where water is coming in on the roof line, but that's on the south side of the house and the gutters are fine on that side, just the north side seems to be accumulating.
The up-side to this is that the north side is the low side so I won't have to repel from the roof top, I can just open a box of wine to repel my fear of ladders as opposed to two boxes and some xanex to repel my fear of heights.
See, there's usually a bright side if you can just lie to yourself enough...


Belle and her new baby boy are happy, healthy and well.
All the other sheep are patiently waiting outside the barn trying to stick their heads through the cracks to get a look at the little sheep that looks like a cow.
Between him and the four horned Jacob sheep in the roadside ram pasture I may end up having to stand out to direct traffic.
You wouldn't believe all the people who slow down or even stop to look at our funny looking menagerie as it is, so things should really pick up when we put the cowsheep out to pasture!


I'm still in a holding pattern on the job front.
I have to find something I can do sitting as my legs and hips won't stand for anything else.
Get it?
Stand?
Whatever I've done this time, combined with the arthritis and the scar tissue flaring I'm quite a sight.
I'm back on the steroids which means I sound like an old man with a crackly low sexy smokers voice, but avoiding the pain meds.
I would rather tough it out than end up in Betty Ford.


My Etsy shop is beginning to take shape so be sure to stop in and have a look.
These are the soaps I have listed right now, green apple, vanilla, juniper and Oregon rain.

My house smells good enough to take a bite out of which believe me is a welcome scent, compared to the new found fresh fall aroma of four wet dogs.

The other thing I have been tossing around my brains is a children's story.

I have it written and ready, but I'm trying to decide on a format.

It will be the first in a series, but from what I'm learning is it's very hard to get picked up by a children's publisher.

I guess that tells me that the competition is pretty tough, so I'm asking you, what do you think about eBooks for kids?

It seems like eBooks are no longer a passing fancy, and most kids can run an iPad better than they can a toothbrush, so maybe it's the way to go...

Tell me what you think.

My sister J. Carlson is on a school camping trip in the mountains this week so if you're a praying person please send up a heartfelt request that she isn't attacked by bears.

If you're not of the praying sort, just cross your fingers.

Wyatt is home from school today sneezing his smarts out and I think may be running a low fever.

Swell.

Peas.

iOS 7 Blues

I'm doing my iOS7 update this morning.
How dumb.
You have to have soo much space available and I have... Almost none.
I cleared all my apps.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, Netflix and all, every single one of my photos.
I am just squeeeaking by.
And why does it tell me I still have photos in storage when I don't?
Not in stream or in the cloud...
Will I have enough room to reload my apps and take a photo when the update is complete?
This is really so dumb.
And it's taking foooooooorevvvvvvvvver.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Butch the farrier was here last night so all the donkey toes are in good shape for another few months.
We love seeing Butch and miss having him as our neighbor so it was super fun getting to spend time with him and having him stay for dinner.
I made the best fried chicken I have ever made in my whole life ever with mashed potatoes and gravy and corn and biscuits and a blueberry cobbler.
I told him from now on instead of giving him a tip I'll just make him dinner and for a young single guy that lives in a house with a bunch of other young single guys I think that works out to being better than a tip.

Do you want to know how I made my chicken?
Instead of dipping in milk/egg and rolling in flour, I mixed the milk, egg and flour together to make a batter and then dipped and fried!
I know, genius huh!!
Does everyone do that?
Maybe everyone does that, I'm not sure, but I thought it was genius.
I didn't take any pictures because I didn't know I was about to do something so mind blowing, but here's a picture of chicken that isn't mine just so you'll get hungry for chicken and try it.

Must See TV

Speaking of genius...
Have you seen Derek, Ricky Gervais' new series on Netflix?
In the words of Derek himself, it's brilliant.
It is so heartwarming, genuinely funny and kind.
You must see it. Trust me.

Peas.

Oh Baby!

The sheep stork finally came to the farm!
Belle delivered a spotted holstein cow lamb steer!

How cute is he!?

This lambing season has been such a mess, the rams and the ewes were all together because the rams were herd bound to the girls so even if I did separate them, the boys would push down stall walls and go through fences like they were incredible hulk sheep.

So, sadly, the incorrigible boys had to go.

If I'm going to incorporate any kind of breeding program, and I'm to the point where I have enough ewes now that I can, I have to have some kind of system.

It was a sad day when we said goodbye to Butch and his big brother Buck, and I still miss seeing them out in the pasture.

I'm going to use the Jacobs for breeding now.

I will put the girls in with them when it's time and then move them out when the job is done.

 And I'm still undecided rather or not to wether our new little cow sheep.

What do you think?

Should I put him out to pasture or give him a job?

Gratuitous Neighbor Photo

Fall Projects!

This is the first rug of the season.

It's a round 32 inch and weighs THREE pounds.

Super heavy duty and done in vintagey cream, blue and greens.

Here's another done in really bright fun colors...

And this is the one I'm working on now.

I love all the color!

And of course the batch of green apple soap, but I need to get with it and make some more.

Maybe that will be todays project.

Tomorrow is donkey pedicure day which is always one of our favorite days because we get to see our old neighbor Butch.

Of course the donkeys like it too.

This was last spring when the donkeys were hairy and the grass was green, but with all the rain and the weather starting to cool things will be looking like this again soon.

Ok, gotta go.

Peas.

Craftastic!

Fall is upon us, and you know what that means...
Craft Time!
I have soap made and ready to list, crochet hooks are turning out dishcloths and beanies, soy wax is waiting to make a candle or two, dog treats are ready to be baked and bagged and the dehydrator is set up and ready to do some organic treats for the more health conscious pooches and the sheets are all washed and stripped and ready to rug.
I think I have plenty to do to keep me busy.

What are your favorite scents this season?
My first batch of soap is like a tart green apple, but I'm thinking more along the lines of apple crisp and pumpkin pie for my next batches.
I also think I need to buy a new crock pot because mine took a dirt nap last year and I'm REALLY ready to have the smell of a crock pot roast or pear cherry buckle filling my house on a rainy afternoon.
Hey!
I know, I could do a pot roast scented soap!
Just kidding.
Kind of.

Wyatt is back to school and I'm having a hard time adjusting to high school homework.
His work has exceeded my intelligence.
Yesterday in marketing class he was assigned to do a timeline of an iconic toy and he chose to do a Furby so you can imagine the joy I felt as we went to the fabric store to buy fleece to cover the cardboard critter and fired up the hot glue gun.
I'm not sure if furbies had glitter, but I'm pretty sure it would of added an A+ flair.

Have you started your fall crafting or cooking?
Any Pinteresting ideas you want to share?

You can see some of the ideas I've been collecting on my Pinterest and be sure to check my Etsy every now again for new stuff...
There's nothing there yet though.
But there will be.
Soon.

Peas

Got Jobs?

To say this summer has been crazy would be an incredible understatement.
Since the split with Six the daunting task of self support has been nearly overwhelming.
Not only do I have the farm and all of it's players
(llamas, sheep, donkeys, peacocks, geese, turkeys, chickens, dogs, cats, and a neighbor kid)
to take care of, but the trailer park, my house, myself and my kids!

I was a manicurist for almost twenty years.
I worked for myself.
Independently.
It was fun.
I loved it.
But it ruined me for the level of workplace standards that I've come to expect
Not only do I know how to work with people, I go CRAZY when people aren't being treated well and when there is poor management and lack of support.
Being in a small business environment where your clients are the foundation of your life, your co-workers end up being your support beams.
Trust me, women working in a salon can be a recipe for near total destruction and disaster, but you learn to work through it.
I remember walking into work one day to find Helga (kind of her real name) with her desk turned away from me facing the back of the room.
I looked at her with a questioning look and she simply replied, "I'm angry at you and I don't want to talk to you today."
I could totally dig that. Straight and to the point.
I talked at her for the rest of the day as she looked away in non response, but the next day it was back to business as usual and the time out from the day before made for great salon fodder for the following months.
My point is, being self employed with people who are doing their best at something they love is most definitely where I shine.

So lets take a look back at the highlights from my summer spent seeking employment.

Safeway

Cheese Specialist
4 hours

I think my manager had just received his license to drive at night with passengers.
Seriously.
He was pretty young.
When I met him I assumed (and you know what happens when you ass u me) he was one of the gas station attendants.
He greeted me while he was sitting at the computer in the break room with a hands up "yo".
He. Did. Not. Turn. Around.
At the designated time, while he was still on the computer I asked him if I should clock in and he simply responded by asking what time I was supposed to start.
Not like a duh, yes, clock in now, but an honest, when are you supposed to be here.
I clocked in.
He asked me to meet him in the deli.
Where I stood and waited for fifteen minutes.
Finally one of the deli kids called him and asked where he was and I'm not sure of his location but his instruction was to have me prep some cheese for customers to sample.
Now I'm pretty sharp, I can cut cheese, I can display cheese and I can sample cheese.
Just show me to the kitchen and the box of hair nets.
It would also be nice to know what kind of cheese, how much cheese, and where the display plates and flaggy toothpicks are.
Anyway, he finally come in and give me a high speed go round of the kitchen and walk in cooler where we loaded up a wagon of cheese to leave in the middle of the walkway where the Asian Express people had to hokey pokey their way around it as he sent me to watch hours worth of video training on kitchen safety and how to wash your hands.
I'm not complaining mind you, I know this is relevant.
When I finished the videos he told me to go mark down the near pull date cheese and price and display all the new cheese.
I had been there three hours.
I watched movies for more than two hours.
My experience with cheese is mainly in sandwiches and crackers.
I don't even know how to use a pricing gun or the computer shooter thing and I didn't get the vibe that he was into showing me.
I went home and called HR and told them that due to lack of direction from management I felt unable to do the job to the best of my ability.
She said she hears that a lot.

Marquis

Hope Village Assisted Living
Dietary Aide
8 hours

My manager here was great.
A very nice man who appeared as though his rope was on fire.
I felt like he was absolutely working as hard as he could and doing everything he could to make his kitchen run smoothly.
I also felt like everyone in the kitchen was dedicated to doing their best.
The atmosphere was friendly and helpful.
The job...
Unbelievably hard.
The day started off great, I showed up in my kitchen pants and clogs and went straight for the hair nets.
I was shown how to do juices and milks and how to make coffee.
I helped prep vegetables.
Then it was time for dinner.
Two hundred and so many people would eat dinner through that kitchen.
Two hundred and so many trays would go out.
And then... Two hundred and so many trays would come back.
Do you have any idea how many dirty dishes are on two hundred and so many trays?
Do you know how many pots and pans it takes to serve two hundred and so many people?
Do you know how many times you have to empty the bucket under the non-working drain in the sink that is also being used in lieu of a garbage disposal in the course of washing those dishes?
I called the next day and and thanked the man for the opportunity and wished him well and explained how my body could not have done that work twenty years ago let alone now.
I checked yesterday and that position is still available.

Catherines

Plus Size Clothing Sales Associate
Three weeks

I loved this job.
I loved everything about this job, the people I worked with, the customers, the hours.
I quit the job because my body quit me.
Standing for extended hours is not an option for me because of my rotten back and since I no longer have insurance I can't risk doing more damage than I can recover from without medical assistance.

What I Have Learned

I should do some sort of reality show about the inter-workings of different jobs and the people who do them.
It has been a crazy eye opening experience about what goes on behind the scenes and overall what great people are out there doing these jobs for very little pay.

I'm glad I didn't have a third back surgery last winter because I think I would be worse off than I am now and I'm glad I lost the weight I have over the last year, but I'm also disappointed that my body still doesn't do what I want it to do.

I'm glad that I have the farm and a secure home for my family.

I'm glad that I have a 1997 Ford Escort and no car payment.

And I'm glad that I know a little enough about a lot of different things that I will be able to figure out a way to get by.

Peas

Split The Sheets

Well, I'm not sure if this is the classiest way, but I think it is the easiest way to let everyone in on some big changes here on the farm.
Six and I are divorcing.
There are many reasons for our seperation none of which I will go into, but we both knew there was no other resolution to our situation.
I want to say that my family and I wish him all the best and that we hope he finds happiness in whatever life has in store for him.

I have taken a position at Safeway as a cheese steward and I'm so excited to learn everything there is to know about cheese...
Goat cheese, sheep cheese, cow cheese, blue cheese, swiss cheese, old cheese, stinky cheese, new cheese!
See, I think I'm a natural :)

I'm happy to have the neighbors to help out, Neighbor Dad was up until dusk last night mowing and weed eating the mobile spaces and teaching Wyatt a thing or two about manual labor at the same time.
I think they will end up being a good team.
Neighbor Mom (Wendy) has already been a big help with flower beds and general outdoor drudgery, but I have to say the only thing her baby is good at right now is noise making and cuteness.
That's ok, so long as he has a job that he's good at.

This time of year is pretty easy with the animal population but things might get interesting this winter during lambing season with a falling down barn.
One of my first priorities is finding a way to trade or barter someone into helping me get the bad parts of the barn down and piecing together the usable area, but I'm confidant that everything will come together.

In other news, Mama Llama Rita had her cria on the July 2nd!
Mother and baby are both happy and doing well and Ruby is the cutest, springiest, hoppingest thing on four long legs!
If you don't already have a baby llama of your own you should seriously look into getting one, you won't be sorry you did.

This is Rocky, last years baby and his brand new sister Ruby.

And this is Rita (on the right) and the kids.

I think Rex is off somewhere with the sheep smoking cigars and drinking brandy.

So that's about it for now, be sure to follow on facebook, it's quicker to update, even though I still have a hard time keeping up there too.

Summer lambing season starts soon so there's an overload of cuteness on the way!

Peas.

Your Daily Bread

It seems as though I have reached a plateau on my weight loss.
I have been pretty successful up until now with getting through my other flat spots but this is a hard one.
At almost forty pounds I am stuck.
I have added in longer walks and the Wii fit, which I might add I am a hullahoop cham. p. on
So in searching for better ways to be a bigger loser I came across lots and lots and lots and lots of carb free testimonials and even though I have always been an avid anti anti carber I decided I would give it a go.
I ordered the book from Amazon because I don't want to free style my carb depletion in fear of gaining every ounce back the second I look at a potato chip.
From what I understand if you do it all "by the book" and slowly add in carbs after you drop your desired forty eleventeen pounds you have a better chance of maintaining your new physique.
What I really wish is that I had more money.
Like join a gym and get a trainer money.
With my rotten back and stupid shoulder I'm kind of limited to what I can do but I think with a super smart buff handsome trainer I would be able to do more.
You see, the reason for my sudden interest in weight loss and core strength is because my back doctor wants to do a fusion and I am totally not ok with that.
I really believe that with a sh!t ton of weight loss and strengthening I can beat this.
Or at least put it off a few years, and trust me, at almost forty down I can already feel a big difference, my top butt is gone and most of my favorite pants fall down.
Six says I look like Ma Kettle because I refuse to part with my favorite ragged ill-fitting attire which I prefer to refer to as practical house clothes.
I guess maybe I just need to remember the house part of the house clothes and be sure my elastic's tight when I leave the house.
Believe it or not what all this is leading up to is the worlds easiest best bread recipe ever!
I came across it on Allrecipes and it's by Marilyn VanDoren.
Knowing that I will be carb free for the next what could possibly be the rest of mynatural life I decided to go out with a bang and what bigger bang could there possibly be than three loaves of of fresh bread.

I really think that even if you've never made bread this is a great first time recipe.
Just make sure that your yeast is fresh (I keep mine in the freezer) and remember that if you use a jar of yeast like I do the conversion to a pack is 2 1/4 teaspoons but his recipe calls for measured yeast but I just thought I would tell you that and actually here's a link to Red Star that has all the answers you will ever "knead"

Best Bread Ever

3 cups warm water
3 tablespoons yeast
3 teaspoons salt
4 tablespoons oil
1 1/2 cups sugar
8 cups flour

In a big bowl combine water, yeast, salt, oil, sugar and 4 cups of flour. Mix well, cover with a light towel and let it rise until it's doubled. About an hour.

Gradually add in the remaining 4 cups of flour, kneading until smooth and turn into a well greased large bowl turning the dough a few times to make sure the dough itself is well coated. Cover and let it rise until doubled. About an hour.

Punch the dough down and turn on to a floured surface and divide into three equal loaves and place into well greased loaf pans. Cover and rise until doubled. About an hour.

Bake in a pre-heated 350 degree oven for between 35-45 minutes.

Turn loaves on to wire racks to cool

See how easy that is!
The recipe calls for bread flour but I always use regular flour because I don't think they had bread flour on the prairie where all the bread making was actually going on and I use active yeast and not quick yeast but I think that only makes a difference in a bread machine and I'm not even entirely sure about that.
I do know though that in this recipe or most other recipes quick and active are usually interchangeable.
At least the way I cook.

I have to go unload the dishwasher and feed the fish and have some bread now.

Happy bread making!

Peas.

Septic Tanked

Last week the neighbors came to us with a concern about the septic.
The ground was a little squishy they said.
Don't worry I said.
I'll pick up some Rid-X in town tomorrow and it will be fine.
Then Six went out to take a look.
It's pretty squishy he said, it needs to be pumped.
Don't be such a nancy I said, they just need some Rid-X  and quit flushing the toilet and showering so much.
Then I went to have a look...
Six was right, it needed to be pumped.
The next morning I called my brother in law who is wise in the ways of such things as septics and other big holes in the ground and he gave me some price ideas to go by and just enough information to be dangerous to a predatory pumper.
I called around and ended up going with Kyle and Clark who seriously seemed to appear straight out of a Saturday Night Live sketch.
Kyle asked how long it had been since the last clean out.
I didn't know.
Clark asked how old the system was.
I didn't know.
Kyle asked how big the tank was.
I didn't know.
Kyle said that this one time a long time ago at this really old house they saw a tank that was so old it was made out of wood.
I gasped and said "NO WAY!"
Kyle put his hand to God and said "I SWEAR!"
We all laughed and I went inside and it wasn't long before Kyle came to the door and said, "guess what..."
I could feel the color falling out of my face and the dollars draining out of the bank as he said, "Now I've seen two."
The neighbor house has a five hundred gallon wooden septic tank.
And it was full.
We decided just to pump it instead of replacing the entire system because the house is so old, you know the expression lipstick on a pig and all, and now we know we need to have it pumped every two to three years.
We have a tank at our house too, so next up in the already long list of things needed to be done is pumping ours and then locating the ones in the trailer park and installing risers so that future clean outs are easy and timely.

After narrowly averting what could have been a major disaster I decided I better brush up on all things septic and septic related and now I am going to share the information I have gleaned above and beyond the obvious non flushing of lady business and diapers.

If you live in a rural area where houses are spread to far apart to be on a sewer system you will have a septic system. A septic system acts as your own private sewage treatment plant right there in your yard.

Let's start with a diagram showing how all this works.

All the waste water in your house drains into the septic tank which ranges in size from 500 to 1500 gallons depending on the size of your home. This includes sink water, shower water and washing machine water. All water. Everything in that water is drained into your tank as well, so if you don't want it in the tank, don't put it down the drain.
The waste water drains into your tank and the solids, otherwise know as sludge, stay on the bottom where they are broken down by healthy bacteria. The water in the middle layer is the clear zone and contains some solids but it's not as dense as the sludge. The scum is made from oils and fat that rise and float to the top.
The middle layer is what drains out into the drain field which is comprised of soil and trenches filled with gravel that act as a filter and neutralize the liquid before it's dispersed into the ground.

Sometimes your system will start to emit some rather unsightly odors. If you know it hasn't been that long since your system was last cleaned out, but still the odor lurks there are some simple things to check.

Make sure all of the p-drains are filled with water. You will find the p-drains under sinks and of course the in the toilet. If you have a guest or basement bathroom that isn't used much that's the best place to start. A simple flush or running the tap for a minute could solve your stink.

It could also be caused by a clogged vent stack on your roof. Make sure the vents are always cleared of leaves, bird nests and whathaveyou.

And of course it could also mean that you may be experiencing problems in the drain filed itself or the distribution box.

The distribution box is what routes the water into the drain field from the tank so all the water isn't flowing like a raging river into one spot of the field.

Now that you understand how the system works, lets talk about some do's and dont's.

Don't

• pour grease of any kind down the drain
• use liquid fabric softener
• flush old medications
• dump coffee grounds down the drain
• flush cigerette butts
• overuse anti-bacterial soaps or cleaners

Do

• limit your time in the shower
• use liquid laundry and dishwasher detergent
• install low flow taps in sinks and showers
• spread your laundry out through the week into smaller loads instead of big loads all in one day
• conserve water whenever possible

Some people believe in feeding your system and I found a simple and inexpensive recipe that would replace the need for a brand name product while being gentle on the system.

2 packages of yeast

2 cups of cornmeal

1 bucket of warm water

Pour down your bathtub drain every six months or so to keep good bacteria levels healthy.

Well, that's about all I know and of course this is all just my research and take on things. 

Take some time and learn all you can about your system because trust me, you don't want to end up learning the hard way! 

Just An Average Post

I am such an unreliable blogger...
I'm here today though to tell you that I'm going to have an important post on Monday about the care and workings of the most important part of your rural home....
Big surprise, but you'll have to wait.

In the meantime, I'll share some pictures from the week.

These are two of the eggs I got today.
I wish I would have put something next to them for size comparison, but trust me, the one on the left looks like it was left by a Tyrannosaurus Rex and the one on the right looks like it fell out of a bubble gum machine.
I think my girls are nearing retirement, but I really don't want to do chicks again.
They're cute and all but kind of a pain in the a$$ if you ask me.

This is Astro and Olive.

They love each other.

Seriously love each other.

Astro, the white one bunched up that sheet and Olive came over and laid down on it and then Astro laid down beside her.

You can't tell in this picture, but Astro weighs eighteen pounds and Olive, much like myself, loves a man that makes her look thin ;)

This is my neighbor at the lake last weekend.

I stayed home and let him spend some time with his parents, but they sent me this photo.

It looks to me as though he's saying, 

"I found the perfect spot Grannyma Mrs. Parks, come on down!"

This is Wyatt at the park last week.

He saw this little squirrel run past so he took off after it, 

(a behavior learned from one of the black and white dogs I assume)

caught it, and it stayed and played with him and his friends!

They all took pictures with it and it ran all over them and then it probably tried to nest and nap in Wyatt's moppy hair.

How often does that happen?

And finally, I saw this somewhere on line this week.

If you ever listen to my opinion on anything, it's this...

Being ok is fine.

The world needs more people who are ok.

We don't all need to be the best and have the best house and the best car and the best closet full of Pinterest crafts and the best dressed kids with the best grades eating the best farm to table freshly grown worlds best organic beets.

It's ok to have an ok Christmas wreath that you bought at the dollar store still hanging on your door in May and it's ok to serve frozen broccoli for dinner and it's ok if your dog poops on the floor sometimes.

Do you know why?

Because really, that's all of us.

We are all ok and just doing our best every day.

Just try not to cross that thin line into worst ;)

Happy Mothers Day Everyone

❤

Peas

My Favorite Post

This is an old post and one I like to re-post every year in honor of my very good friend Becky on her birthday.

This is Becky.

When Wyatt was five Becky decided a good pet would be a turtle.
A turtle I thought... Not much effort would go into the care and feeding of a turtle.
Turtles are quiet.
Turtles don't stink.
Becky said she knew someone who had a turtle that was like seventeen years old, so obviously they're a good return on your investment.
After very little thought, I agreed and Becky and I were off to the local Pet-Smart in anticipation of the best pet purchase ever!
We walked in, and there she was, quiet in her tank, looking at us with those big sad turtle eyes, begging us to choose her and take her home and love her forever.
At that moment, I felt like the best Mother and biggest humanitarian.
Giving this cold blooded little creature a home, and giving my son what would surely be a childhood filled with wonderful memories of he and his turtle.
We would call her "Sweetie."
As we walked to the car I reached out to hand Becky the box that held Sweetie, and as I recall, it was there in the parking lot that Becky gave her first initial cringe of fear and maybe even a wince of disgust.
Hmm... I was confused.
I asked Becky why she would encourage my to buy Wyatt a turtle if she was, might I say, a little repulsed by the animal,
Becky looked at me and shrugged and replied, "Your Kid."
We returned home with Sweetie to what I assumed would be squeals of joy and laughter.
Instead, I was met with stand offishness and a little reservation.
My son looked a me and said, "a turtle?"
Whatever.
I liked Sweetie.
It turned out, like things usually do with kids and pets, that I was the sole caregiver and companion to Sweetie.
Wyatt would take her out to "play" but it didn't take long (usually between 31-33 seconds) for him to become bored and walk away forgetting to put her back in her bowl.
The search for Sweetie would then ensue, with nobody wanting to be the one to find her as she would usually be a cold clammy bumpy surprise between the couch cushions hiding under the cover of darkness.
Even I was a little creeped out by that.
That Summer, Becky and her boyfriend Pumpkin Head were in the midst of buying and remodeling a new house and while they did they stayed in a camp trailer that lacked many of the normal comforts of home so Becky would often come to the house and use our washer and dryer.
One evening, while we waited for her wash to finish we decided to open a box of wine and do some online shopping and as I often did while relaxing around the house, I had tucked Sweetie safely in the front of my bra where she could be warm and comfortable instead of being alone in her bowl and that, I assure you, was more than Becky could stand.
A turtle in my bra.
It gave Becky a giant case of the heebes, so I did what any good friend would do and took it upon myself to help Becky get passed her fear and loathing of Sweetie.
After all, the turtle was her idea.
I took sweetie out of my bra and told Becky she had to hold her
I think I might have even called her names and tried to shame her into bonding with Sweetie.
She really didn't have a choice, it was either be a big baby or hold the turtle.
So she held Sweetie high and at arms length and started petting her shell.
Sweetie liked that and poked her head out and looked at Becky as if to say "thank you."
Becky was surprised to find she was not as repulsed as she had expected to be.
Sweetie wasn't so bad, in fact, I thought for a minute maybe Becky was beginning to like Sweetie as she started softly rubbing her her neck.
Before I knew it, Becky was holding Sweetie to her face, talking smoochy talk and caressing Sweetie's neck as Sweetie bobbed her head up and down, up and down, stretching her neck out as farrrr as she could.

And that's when it happened.

Before we even had time to prepare ourselves Sweetie ejaculated all over Becky!

Her neck and bare shoulder were instantly covered in a sticky, gross, white, slimy, ooze. 

The situation quickly grew out of control.

Madness ensued.

Becky was screaming, tears falling down her cheeks.

I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

Sweetie was on the kitchen table sound asleep.
I wanted to help Becky, I really did, but I couldn't.
I. 
Could. 
Not. 
Stop. 
Laughing.
I have tears in my eyes and I am laughing right now.
I don't remember what happened next, and really, who cares what happened next.
My friend Becky made Sweetie the happiest turtle in the trailer park that night, but sadly it was also the end of what may have otherwise been a beautiful relationship.

And that my friends, is my favorite post :)

If You Plant It...

I want to dig up my back yard and plant all native drought resistant plants, some raised vegetable beds, a winding gravel path to the barnyard and an arbor with something tangley covering it.
Can you see it?
For some reason I can't explain it in a way that Six sees it and gets as excited about it as I am, but that could also be because he sees all the work that he's going to be doing to achieve our vision.
I just need to figure out where to start.
I also need to get the barn demo'd but that's another project, and it isn't a fun project, and every time I bring up my yard garden idea Six reminds my of the tearing down of the barn.
Ugh. I really wish I had more husbands.
Back to the backyard.
I want something like this.

Minus the cactus of course.
But you get the idea.
So how and where do you start something like this?
Obviously with a backhoe to dig up the lawn that taunts you, but after that, other than contacting a garden wizard what are the first steps.
And, Six just pulled out a bunch of rotten old fencing from the corner pasture by the road so now that's all open lawn but instead of lawn I want to plant a little orchard and some berry bushes, but do you know how expensive fruit trees and berry bushes are?
Holy cats man, I could buy cases of applesauce and bags of frozen berries for a lifetime longtime for what we'd pay for the real thing, let alone all the work I would Six would have to do planting, picking and trimming.
It doesn't matter, I'm still going to do it.
I wonder if there's a garden college that needs to take a "field" trip...

Monday Funday!

I had the best day yesterday!
The sun was out, Six was at work, Wendy was at work, Wyatt was at school, it was just me and the neighbor kid soaking up the sun listening to the radio, playing outside, cleaning up inside and baking.
It isn't to often I have one of those days.
A day that isn't full of things to do or places to go or phone calls to make, just doing whatever we wanted.
It was a great day.

I made this cake...

That turned out sooo good and looked like this...

I know the angle of that photo isn't the best, but you get the "picture" .

It was amazing and just in case you haven't heard of it yet or made it yourself I'm going to tell you how it goes.

Pineapple Angle Food Cake

1 box of Angle Food cake mix

1 20 oz can of crushed pineapple

Mix the two ingredients together and bake as directed on box.

Got it?

Good!

Island Video Denise in Arizona said she made it with a can of blueberry pie filling and LOVED it and next time I'm going to use a can of cherry pie filling.

Can't wait.

Then for dinner we had homemade pizza which is without a doubt one of our favorite things.

I usually make it with pesto, artichoke hearts, mushrooms and sun dried tomatoes, but last night I made Wyatt's favorite, pepperoni.

You could throw anything you have in your fridge on it though and you don't have to use fancy pizza sauce, we just use tomato sauce, tomato paste, spaghetti sauce, alfredo sauce, whatever you have in the cupboard, use it.

But as I said, last night was pepperoni...

I should have taken another picture after it was baked, but I was to busy burning my mouth eating pizza straight from the oven.

I know you're thinking to yourself well we do Pappa Murphys and that's just like homemade pizza. 

No it's not.

Anything like homemade pizza.

At all.

And this is seriously SO easy and I don't even use a rolling pin to flatten it out I just use my hands and it isn't even round, it's whatever shape it is when I feel the dough is right.

Not to thick, not to thin, even though some pizzas I like thicker crust, red sauce pizzas and some I like thinner crusts, any other sauce.

So here's the recipe for the crust.

Easy Peasy Pizza Crust

2 1/4 teaspoons of yeast (or one package)

1 teaspoon of sugar

1 cup of hot tap water (not boiling)

2 1/2 cups of flour

2 Tablespoons of oil

1 teaspoon of salt

Mix the yeast, sugar and water and let it rest for about 10 minutes.

Mix in the other ingredients and let it rest another 5 or 10 minutes.

Flour your hands and counter and roll out or shape your crust and then lay it on a lightly sprayed baking sheet.

Bake in a pre-heated 450 oven for about 20 minutes, but start watching it after 18 until it's done.

See how easy that is!

Ok, I have to go to town, I slacked off yesterday so today I have places to go and things to do.

Here's a picture of the neighbor.

Don't blame me for the camo tank top and brown socks, he came that way.

Peas.

Catching Up Again...

Something has been wrong with the blog for a month or two.
I'm not sure why, but it kept showing a 404 error and you couldn't access it from Facebook.
I was in contact with my domain people and Blogger with no success, but it seems to have somehow fixed itself.
For some reason though it's still showing on other blog links as The Trailerparks which is my email instead of The Fat Bottom Farm.
Oh well.
A little bit of a lot has been going on around here and if you follow on Facebook you haven't missed anything and if you don't follow on Facebook you haven't missed much just enough to keep me busy and I won't go on about everything today because I don't want you to fall asleep during the boring parts and then miss out on a good part so I'll spread out the old news with the new news over the next few days.

Lambs

Our final count this year was four lambs.
One set of twins and two little ewes.
Belle had the twins and Dingle, the littlest twin was a house sheep and her brother Dangle who is a wether now because we don't need any more rams.
Polly Pancakes had a snow white ewe lamb, Clementine, who is made out of rubber bands and fireworks and tears up the pasture like her feet are on fire!
Judy had a ewe lamb, Jesse, who is the size of of a 1997 Geo Metro.
I'm not even kidding.
Her neck is the size of a tree stump.
She's huge.
Then, our biggest surprise this lambing season was when the neighbor across the road gave us his two Jacob rams, even though at the time we didn't know they were rams, we were just so happy to have them.
They haven't been shorn since before we moved here in 2006, and believe me, they needed it!

Jacobs are a heirloom breed of horned sheep that produce a beautiful spotted fleece.

Even the ewes have horns and either sex can have between two and four horns and I think even up to six!
I need to brush up on my Jacob smarts and get my hands on a ewe or two and get busy growing this flock.
You can imagine how thrilled Six is for me to have another new endeavour ;)

Arts & Crafts

Wyatt has been really busy making his jewelry and is having quite a bit of success selling his stuff which works out great for me because he can finally support his own habit!
For the longeat time I have been trying to convince him to make earrings but he would have no part of it...
Until it was his idea.
Then it suddenly became a good idea.
Whatever.
Here's a pair he made yesterday.

Check out his Etsy shop, he's pretty amazing, or maybe I just think that because I'm his mom :)

Winded Wire

I've been making soap again, mostly because my friend Shelly has opened a great new store and had space for a bar or two and some candles too.

And I kind of missed the process.

There really is nothing like the look and feel of handmade soap and knowing that you're not lathering yourself up in groddy chemicals is an added bonus too.

This is the last batch I made. 

It's for problem skin made from local honey, finely ground oats and aloe.

Non scented, it should be great for anyone who has issues with acne and eczema.

And this is what I have listed on Etsy and what Shelley has in her store

(Shelley's Shack 100 W State Street Sedro Woolley Wa)

Garden Scrub.

Orange oil and blackberry with dried orange rind for scrubbing and dried blackberry leaves for exfoliation.

And...

Kitchen Counter 

Made with vanilla espresso to get the garlic and onion stink off your hands!

And, last but not least for today...

The Neighbor

I could go on all day about him, but I won't :)

Peas.

Complaint Department

You might want to pull up a set of earplugs with this mornings coffee, because it's gonna be a whiny one...

My clothes don't fit.
I don't have great clothes anyway and I'm ok with that, fashion is not my driving force, but I'm talking about the big picture.
From my foundations to my sparkly outer layer.
Nothing.
Fits.
All I have in my closet is the three bears, way to big, still to small and really ugly.
I think even the sheep are starting to talk.
I have one outfit that fits just right and it's a pair of yoga pants with a fleece warm up jacket and it makes me look very athletic but I think the people at the feed store have decided it can't be coincidence that I have just come from a Birkman class every time I need hay.
My underpants fall down and my bras are to big.
My shoes are to loose and my shirts are to long.
I look like a refugee from the Biggest Loser.
Oh well.
I ordered the first pair of tennis shoes since middle school p.e.

Back then we had to order everything from the Sears Catalog so I have a thing about things coming in the mail.

I count days and can't wait.

I'm going to walk the track at the school so I don't have to start out going up and down hills, but I think the hardest part of my walk is going to be the walk to my car to drive to the school!
Don't worry, I can do it.

Six had surgery on his hand yesterday and was a real trooper.
The entire procedure took less than ten minutes and we were seriously HOME before 9:AM.
He's on the pills, but I thought I was going to have to give him my own fist full of relief last night because the narcotics turn MIKE into a LOUD talker and a repeaterepeaterepeater.
Whats that?
You say your having bologna on a bagel?
For the fifth time?
Oh yes, I heard you.
From the BARN the third time.
I have to be kind though because I am usually the one with the medical maladies and he takes care of me.

He also has to get new glasses and a sleep apnea test.
All the better to see me sleep better with I guess, but out of all the times I've been married I've never been married to someone who's aging.
Carpel tunnel, bad eyes, sleep apnea, forgets to flush...
The list goes on.
I guess it's ok though, he's turning into a great gramps, we'll just have to work on getting him some false teeth he can take out and scare the neighbor with.

I'm going to make this quick.
I'm having another back surgery.
They're fusing.
It makes me cry and sick to my stomach and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Baby Dingle is out with the lambs every day now!
They all come in at night, but during the day there's lot's of grass for them to eat and rocks for them to spring off of.
Everyone is healthy and happy and I look forward to Dingle getting off the juice soon.
I'm tired of making bottles.
For sheep.
I'll still make them for the neighbor :)

This is Dingle and Pearl grazing the old garden spot

Judy and Belle and the babies...

This is Judy and Baby Jesse, I love Jesses white face!

Have a great day!

Peas