Back To School

Do you want to know what makes me mad?
This.
This is what makes me mad.

Actually, it makes me CRAZY!

Mi hijo and I went to the big everything under one roof store in town last night because we are getting ready to enter the "Hot Zone" this week with temperatures forcasted in the high 90's low triple digits so we decided to go get ourselves a wading pool for the deck.

Do you think there was a pool to be found? 

Sunscreen, short shorts or sandals?

Nope, nope and nope.

Sweaters, scarves and school supplies!

At the risk of sounding like a middle aged woman who complains about everything, I can't even believe this bs.

Remember the days when school supplies went on sale at the end of August and you looked forward to the trip to Sears and Penneys for your clothes and the smell of your new school shoes from Thom McAn that you couldn't wait to wear?

Remember going to the drug store for your #2 pencils and Pink Pearl Erasers?

Well forget all that.

Now we schlep through the white trash warehouse in July to pick up those last minute twelve boxes of Kleenex for the classroom along with .19 cent spiral notebooks and backpacks made across the ocean by children that aren't even old enough to babysit.

I guess I need to pull myself together or I'm going to miss the blowout sale on twinkle lights and Rudolph inflatables for the front yard.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to go unpack and quickly put away our secondary less commercial labor Day and Thanksgiving holiday decor that we will be overlooking this year in favor of the more important mass market pleasing family holiday.

Black Friday.

Peas.

A Lot About Nothing

And the year of the sickies rolls on...
Wyatt has been sick so many times this year, nothing serious, just colds mostly, snotty nose and coughs, but they just keep coming one after another.
6 was sick last weekend, but I don't think it's the same thing Wy has now, Wyatt is having really bad stomach pain and 6 was having dizziness, shortness of breath and a heaviness in his chest.
I know, I know, it sounds like he was having a heart attack, but he's fine now.
I hope.
He has to be ok, and so does Wyatt because our insurance doesn't kick in until February 1st and we're still paying off our last two medical emergencies.
So keep your fingers crossed and hope for speedy recoveries, I need them both well so they can take out the garbage and open the gate.

Still no call about my dream job.
Deborah went over my resume and cover letter though, so maybe I'll have a better chance at the next job.
I really wish I could just set up a farm store in the little house and make my soaps and candles and sell coffees and flowers and produce and honey and berries, and pumpkins and eggs and antiques.
I'll work on that.

I'm trying to think of what to make for dinner tonight...
I think I'll make PW's Round Steak, I have a few in the freezer and anything fried is always a hit in this house.
Maybe I'll make some M&M cookies for dessert.
I made Paula Deen's Monster Cookies last week and they were deeeeelish but what wouldn't be deelish with an entire jar of peanut butter, a stick of butter, M&M's and chocolate chips.

Ok, I have to go to town, I'm out of dog food and chicken scratch.

Peas.

Bee Blog

We never got any stupid snow.
Oh I know that none of you really feel very sorry for me because you all have stupid snow of your own, but I would really like just one big snow this year.
Just one.
And it doesn't look like I'm going to get it.
Oh well.

Tonight Wyatt and I are going to our first OSBA meeting.
Do you know what OSBA is?
I'll tell you.
Oregon State Beekeeper Association!
This Christmas I bought some honey from Honeyrun Farm who bought some slippers from me so I wanted to return the kindness and purchase something from her Etsy shop.

Little did I know that this honey would be so beautiful or that the taste would bee so amazing so the day It arrived I immediately got online and ordered some for my sister and she loved it too!
And then I started thinking...
We could grow honey.
We could be bee farmers!

So I've been tossing this thought around a lot and on Tuesday I decided to email Jayne at Honeyrun and ask her some questions and she gave me some answers that led me to the OSBA that just happens to meet six miles from my house TONIGHT.
I'm really excited to find out if this is something I could do...
6 says it's a bad idea because I'll have all the bees named and bee bringing the bees in the house.
Whatever, I will not. Not on purpose.
Anyway, you know what they say...
Whatever will bee will bee.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Peas

Blog Potpourri

You know what makes me mad?

The fact that Wyatt's Dad gets away with not paying child support.

Ever.

How does that work?

What a jerk.

Speaking of Wyatt, I'm mad at him too. He had me sign his progress report this morning and it totally sucked. I need to figure out how to make his education a priority to him. He is so focused on his artwork and creativity which I want to support and I do support, but how do I also instill in him the importance of science, math, and the english language. Not like I'm one to talk or anything, it's hard to stand on the soap box while being the poster child of poor choices, but maybe I could be an example of what not to do, but then I'm afraid I'd lose any shred of credibility that I may have.

Example:

"Wyatt, I dropped out of school and got married six times, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

Do you see my dilemma?

I need Oprah or Bill Gates to have a talk with him because I don't think I'm getting through.

 

Are you SO glad the election is over!!!

At this point I don't even care who won, I am just so glad it's over but I'm also SO mad that campaigning for 2012 begins tomorrow.

I think that all these jerks would be better off donating the money they spend on campaigning to the causes they support instead of on stupid commercials, yard signs and bumper stickers. Just think if all the campaign moneys had gone to the state deficits instead of down the toilet, or to the schools or the VA or homeless shelters or food banks.

I'm in favor of term limits and running on your own merits. That's what I call change.

Ok, that's all. I have to go to town this morning because...

I have to go to the bank.

And the grocery store

And the gas station.

And the post office.

Oh and what else...

Hmmm, I know there's one other place I have to go.

Oh yeah.

To my Mothers.

To get...

The computer she's giving me because she bought a new MacBook Pro so I get her old one that isn't even hardly old a shiny new (to me) glossy screen 21 inch backlit iMac!!!

OMG!!!

So now I'll have my tried and true heart of my heart air that I breathe iMac that my favorite sister gave me upstairs in my craft room and a sparkly new (to me) one downstairs!

I am the luckiest girl in the whole world :)

Except for that part about not getting child support and being married so many times.

 

As Seen On T.V

I was up at 3:30 this morning and there was an infomercial on for Kymaro Body Shapers and Curve Control Jeans.

I was totally sucked in because my niece is getting married in May and I really want to look like I weigh 185 pounds. It would also be nice if I could look like I was about 5'9 but since that's not going to happen I figured at least with the Kymora Body Shaper and Curve Control Jeans I could possibly pull off the great weight illusion. They kept showing sad fat old lumpy ladies but then after they put on the Kymora Body Shaper and Curve Control Jeans they all stood straighter, had thicker hair and dazzling white teeth, so really it wasn't even just about how they looked in stretch denim, it was about a complete do over and trust me, I could really go for one of those. But then I started thinking... I remembered when I was single and how on Friday nights I would always be sure to wear my going out undergarments, you know, suck em' in floor to ceiling underpants, bras with enough steel in them that they could have doubled as foundation support in an industrial complex, hair done with so much Aqua-Net that I'm pretty sure there's a hole in the ozone layer with my name on it and so much liquid eye liner and red lipstick that if I'd bought stock in Maybelline I could have retired before I was forty. The traumatic part was always the next morning when I would wake up a wine soaked cellulite explosion with black rimmed racoon eyes and lipstick stained teeth wondering how I got home and where I left my shoes.

I digress.

At 3:30 AM the temptation of youth and slender were very appealing, but by the time I rolled out of bed and pulled the Hostess wrapper off my thigh I realized that it would take more than $59.90 + shipping and handling to regain my girlish figure and maybe I was better off relenting to the idea that I will be sporting a lovely pair of polyester blend buffet pants with a long tunic to my nieces nuptials. And anyway, I would hate to outshine the bride on her big day because after all, some people only get married once.

July 10

I survived the dentist.

I didn't enjoy it, but I survived it and I didn't even really freak out.

I just kept telling myself that no matter how bad I thought the dentist was, hands down, without a doubt it was better than the lady parts doctor. When you go to the dentist you don't have to shave or wear a paper dress and it's only your mouth that's open for extended periods of time.

Also at the dentist, They can give you nitrous so you think that your really at studio 54 dancing with John Travolta in a stunning black strapless spandex number with stacked heals and a beaded headband.

Not only that, but when your at the dentist and your doctor says "numb" you don't feel the need to kick him in the face and run.

I have some work that needs to be done though, so settle into the dentist stories, theres going to be a few of them.

Shannon came over yesterday to aid in the construction of the bamboo sheet house. Between the three of them they came up with a flawless design concept able to withstand wind gusts of up to nearly 5 mph, provide adequate sleeping space for three and apparently ward off the boogie man, vampires and bugs because they stayed out the entire night. Wyatt and Maddy have both attempted on numerous occasions to have sleep outs on the deck, in the yard and even one night in the pumphouse without much success, but last night it was all systems go with no reported problems or excessive bathroom trips, and I didn't trip over any kids on the carpet on my way to the kitchen this morning.

We watched Mall Cop last night and I didn't think it was funny.

Does that make me a bad person?

Special Award

This award is for one of my favorite bloggers.

Venom at VSL.

There are no rules, only love.

Get A Rope

Ok, here goes.
My attempt to grab a line, look for the light and pull myself out of the depression ditch I have dug.
Trust me, it's a deep one.
I have been sleeping and crying and eating since Friday afternoon. I haven't even been able to pull myself together enough to talk on the phone for two days.
I have been a big fat blathering bed headed mess and it has to stop.

First. 

I need to identify what I am so ruined over. 

It's not me with cancer in a care facility not aware of my surroundings, I'm at home on the couch bawling watching daytime t.v.
What is with that?
Here's what I think.
I think that there was some ego ravaged side of me that thought I could make GK better.
He was better for awhile, but not because of me, it was because of the medication he was receiving and all I had to do with that was putting it in a dish every morning. 

BFD.

Second. 

I think during the last two years I have defined myself not as someones Mother, or the "Nail Lady," but as GK's cancer companion.

I have let myself get so caught up in this, that one might think I had the big C.

I have learned every medical slang Doc talk there is relating to his treatment, I have researched everything there is to know about prostate cancer online and payed extra special attention to any episode of House that may have pertained to prostate cancer and found myself hanging on every cancer tidbit that Wilson threw out.

Third. 

I think I need to learn how to just love GK again the way I did before "we"  got cancer.

I need to make him the focus, not the disease

Insurance is paying other people to focus on that now and my new job needs to be loving him, not "fixing" or fixating on him.

Not having him here with me leaves a BIG empty hurting space in my heart, and our house feels like it's another heart short of a home.

I guess I need to get used to the idea that my Grammy is one heart short of a home where she is too, and has been waiting patiently for the time when she and our Grampy can be together again.

Ouch, that made my eyes blurry.

I have to go watch T.V, I'm losing my grip on the rope.

It's a Beautiful Day

Well, I have to say these have been some rough days.

I have no witty banter or funny stories to tell.

My heart has been filled with sadness at the rapid Delcine in GK's health.

Hospice was here on Tuesday and made the decision to admit him into a five day respite facility to evaluate his medications and see how much pain medication he can tolerate.

His cancer has metastasized from his shoulders to his legs and is doing a number on his kidneys and liver as well.

Tuesday night and yesterday were a pretty rough go, but they kept telling me what a trooper he was and how charming he is.

He doesn't seem realize he isn't at home, and doesn't remember his poodles.

I went in to see him this morning, and like I told my sister, when he saw me he lit up like Frosty the Snowman when he put on his magic hat.

He was so happy and so right on in his wrongness. No pain, no worries, no sadness.

He was telling me how nice his "house" was, pointing out all the lovely furniture and surroundings. 

He asked me how things were going at my house and how the family was.

He was happy to hear that Wendy was tending bar and how he thought that was a perfect job with that outgoing personality of hers. 

He asked if Wyatt was in school yet and told me repeatedly how smart and artistic he thought Wyatt was.

He wondered what Mike was doing and if he was still milking cows (I just said yes ;)

We sat and drank coffee as he told me about the days he worked in the shipyards (he was a butcher, but my Grammy was a welder during the war) and all the fun times they had.

We laughed as we talked about old times that I can't remember, but times that have come back to bring him joy, so wherever he leads, I will follow and just be happy he invited me to dance.

These have been two of the hardest years of my life, but looking back I can see that they were also two of the best.

So today I'm going outside.

I will fire up the DVR and watch my stories tonight.

I'm going to listen to the birds and dig in the dirt.

I'm going to play with the Garcia's and chase the ducks with a hose.

I'm going to drink pink lemonade on the patio with my son and dream of Honey-do's for my Husband

I'm not going to worry about what will be, I am going to get every bit of joy from what is.

Ciao'

Home

I know it's Saturday which is supposed to be picture day, so I will be adding some photographs from my Northern sabbatical, but I also just wanted to check in with an update.

GK has remained stable in his out of itness.

He sleeps alot and is usually confused and out of sorts when he wakes up.

He is still having the terrible pain that we are doing whatever we can to suppress.

Hospice comes today and with that I hope they have some new ideas for some medication he can tolerate.

The family did a great job without me and I came home to a clean house and settled mind. I think I have a rejuvenated spirit and strength to get through the woods so to speak. 

I just REALLY needed a break and time away to be with the people that remind me who I am.

Sometimes I lose sight of that and begin to feel that my lot in life is to clean up poodle puddles and live in an altered state of mind minus the medication.

Other than the girls at the doctors offices, I don't know a single soul here so I don't have anything else to focus on besides the right here and right now.

It was so good to hear stories of whats going on in other peoples lives, and to be reminded that there is still more to life than Judge Judy, barking dogs and the cancer that is taking over the lives of the people I love.

Here's the deal though.

What we have been doing for the last two plus years has become my life, and for as much as I miss what used to be, I also missed what is.

It felt good to come home to my family and be with my Grampy and believe it or not, even to hear the piercing bark of the dreaded poodles.

Home is where your heart is, and my heart is here with the people I love.

Now, here's some picture!

Looking Forward to Forty..... I Guess

Well, this is it.

The last post of my thirties.

I will leave it up to you to decide if my post's seem more mature or serious as of tomorrow.

I doubt they will be.

So goodbye thirties, it was mostly fun, always interesting and sometimes even a little scary.

You brought me Wyatt, two husbands, a bad brain, fifty pounds and a move to Oregon.

I am so thankful for Wyatt, one of the husbands, and making it safely through a scary medical situation.

I haven't forgotten the deal I made with God about quitting smoking, losing weight and lowering my cholesterol.

Lucky for me he's a patient and forgiving man.

Heres to my Dad and the fact that he couldn't have stood another day with a thirty-nine year old daughter!

Goodnight :)

Life and Death Situations

Wendy didn't take the news about Jack very well.

She kinda cried till' she almost threw up.

He isn't her Dad but he was the Dad that was there while she was growing up.

We went through this same type of thing about five years ago with her real Dad.

She'd had no contact with him since she was three years old.

No calls, no Christmas or birthday gifts, nothing.

That was ok though because he had "issues" and I had full custody.

When we got married, I was fifteen and he was twenty two and we didn't live in the Appalachia's.

Anywho, to continue with the story.

I was at work and got a call from my family saying that his family had called because Steve had been in a bad motorcycle accident and wasn't expected to live.

For reasons having to do with next of kin we made a six hour trip to the hospital to see a man Wendy didn't even know to do whatever it was that needed to be done.

When we got there and went into his room it was like some sort of Twilight Zone episode.

I was face to mangled up face with the spitting image of my daughter.

Same nose, same mouth, same everything.

Creepy.

Creepy for Wendy too.

The story goes that he didn't die, he made what I assume to be a full recovery.

When he was released from the hospital we met him and his family for dinner (that was uncomfortable) and then he turned scary stalker, following and calling Wendy which really freaked her out.

I called and told him to back the f off and leave her alone.

He told me he had "people" and could have me "taken care of" if I interfered.

I laughed and hung up and that was the end of that.

Ok, so how did I get started on that.......

Oh yeah, Wendy is very upset.

I wish I could help and make this better for her, but all I can do is love her and try to ease the painfull and confusing emotions Jacks illness is causing her.

I found out that a very special person in my life lost a close family member in a car accident this week.

It made me sick to my stomach when I got the news and it still hurts when I think about it.

I hate that feeling.

This has been a crummy week.

Next week is my birthday, I'll be forty.

Ugh.

Death and Swim Shorts

Hmmm....

Well, the dream is almost a reality.

You know all these years that I have been praying for Jack to drop dead?

Well he's dropping.

What do you do, think, or say when you get news that your twice ex-husband who was the biggest dirt bag, alcoholic, abusive, mullet sporting, white trash love of your life informs you that he may be kicking the eternal bucket?

I don't know either.

Here's the story (short version)

He called last night to let me know I may not be receiving child support for a while.

Like that has EVER been a concern of his before.

He was sick with pneumonia and has been in the hospital for over two weeks.

They had already stabbed a hole through his back to drain the fluid in his lungs but he's still not doing well so tomorrow they crack his ribs open and scrape him out.

I swear there have been nights when I have dreamed of things like this and worse.

I dreamed of the day he would fall over in a drunken stupor and whack his head open.

In my Jack death fantasy, I would take him to the hospital and the doctor would look at me and say "I'm sorry Mrs SwaffordX2, theres nothing more we can do" I would whimper a little bit and then go home and repaint the kitchen.

Since Jack has moved to Texas he's not such a thorn in my side

I can deal with the phone calls, even the ones that really piss me off, because I can just hang up and it's over.

But dead?

Never mind, I'm not even going to think about this any more because he's too much of an

A-Hole to die

I would hate to let my emotions on Jack Swafford go soft and then have him live.

Speaking of dying, one of the frogs died yesterday and I thought Mike was going to hold a service on the deck.

He was pretty torn up about it and worried about the other frogs that weren't dead, and would they die.

I haven't checked yet if there were any more frog fatalities during the night, but I will let you know after Mike does morning head count.

We took Wyatt swimming last night.

He has been begging to go for weeks, so last night we went.

The only problem was, we got to town and Wyatt realized he forgot his swim shorts.

So, we got ice cream and came home.

I was a very long ride home, with all the blubbering from the backseat about how unfair life was.

How that was all he ever wanted was to swim, and couldn't we just understand he had a lot on his mind and that sometimes people forget, and couldn't we just wheel into K-Mart and buy some new shorts?

Whatever, through tears and rainbow sherbet we somehow survived the ride home, I gave him a watercolor set from Grandma and life was worth living again.

Amazing how fast we can bounce back from tragedy.

I have to go wash George.

CAUTION

*The following Post Contains Sappy and Self Indulged Content*

Cancer SUCKS.

Mind you, I don't suffer from the devils disease, but I have been involved in the ongoing care of not one, but two family members who have battled it.

In both cases it was diagnosed at very progressed stages.

My Dad with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and my Grampy (GK) with advanced prostate cancer.

I am at a point today where the grey clouds are forming over my head and I am having problems keeping up what is normally my bright and cheery disposition.

It's like I say, sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and then the rope catches on fire.

That's when the guilt starts to settle in.

It's not me in the fight of my life, I'm mearly a spectator holding the rally flag,

but cancer doesn't just consume the life of the person diagnosed, it holds everyone involved in it's grip.

We all survive on the encouraging words of the doctor (or crash at the lack of) and hope that the next day will be better than the one at hand.

With a little good sleep, a favorite meal, or just the companionship of good friends and family, you hope for a difference.

You start to live for the good day as opposed to making yourself live through the bad ones.

I know we are not the only family suffering through this. 

I know there are support groups.

My Dad always said, "Marilyn, you don't need to re-invent the wheel."

I know to take things one minute at a time when one day at a time seems like to much.

But LORD why does it have to be so hard?

Even for the minutes.

Ok, please hold while I pull myself out of the ditch.............

We do have good times, even if they come in segments of moments instead of blocks of days.

We have a strong family that supports each other.

I know that theres always a hand up and an encouraging word on the other end of the phone.

There is always love.

And that's why all of this hurts so bad.

There is so much love.

How does your heart NOT break to see the person you have loved and admired your entire life succumb to this unbelievable, undignified illness.

Tune in tomorrow for your regularly scheduled programming.

Thanks for listening...or should I say reading.

Whatever.

Thank You.