Back To School

Do you want to know what makes me mad?
This.
This is what makes me mad.

Actually, it makes me CRAZY!

Mi hijo and I went to the big everything under one roof store in town last night because we are getting ready to enter the "Hot Zone" this week with temperatures forcasted in the high 90's low triple digits so we decided to go get ourselves a wading pool for the deck.

Do you think there was a pool to be found? 

Sunscreen, short shorts or sandals?

Nope, nope and nope.

Sweaters, scarves and school supplies!

At the risk of sounding like a middle aged woman who complains about everything, I can't even believe this bs.

Remember the days when school supplies went on sale at the end of August and you looked forward to the trip to Sears and Penneys for your clothes and the smell of your new school shoes from Thom McAn that you couldn't wait to wear?

Remember going to the drug store for your #2 pencils and Pink Pearl Erasers?

Well forget all that.

Now we schlep through the white trash warehouse in July to pick up those last minute twelve boxes of Kleenex for the classroom along with .19 cent spiral notebooks and backpacks made across the ocean by children that aren't even old enough to babysit.

I guess I need to pull myself together or I'm going to miss the blowout sale on twinkle lights and Rudolph inflatables for the front yard.

If you'll excuse me now, I have to go unpack and quickly put away our secondary less commercial labor Day and Thanksgiving holiday decor that we will be overlooking this year in favor of the more important mass market pleasing family holiday.

Black Friday.

Peas.

Thank God You're Eight

Ok everyone, do you know what today is?
Today is Wyatt's Birthday!!

Do you know what else today is?
The Blogs Birthday!!

So todays post is a repost of the first post that I posted four years ago.

February 16 2007

Today is Wyatt's Birthday, and every year and every birthday for everyone I know I am reminded of the words spoken by a wise old man I used to know.
He would say, "Thank God you're (whatever birthday it is) because I couldn't stand another day with a (fill in the blank) year old."

Here's Wyatt eating a blue popsicle in the yard on his first day of eight.
He says it tastes pretty much the same as when he was seven.

Speaking of birthdays I really need to get my Dad out of the Christmas wrap.
His Birthday is comming up soon so maybe I'll wait till closer to April and then find some nice birthday paper for him.
I'm glad I don't have to think of a gift for him, I have enough on my mind as it is.
We (by we I mean 6) went to the pool last night to check things out.
Wyatt is having a class birthday party there tomorrow.
He said it was a huge room for the party and the pool has one side that is nothing but a wall of windows.
Very cool, I hope it's a great time for everyone.

I just got back from the big house.
Grammy is resting on the couch and GK just got home from town.
He had to have a prescription filled for some "I don't give a shit" pills because he is having an MRI done on Monday night and is a little uncomfortable at the thought of lying still on his back that long.
I don't blame him, I try and spend as little time on my back as possible too.
GK has been having really bad joint pain since yesterday afternoon.
I think it's from the Lupron shot they gave him last week.
He says he's taking his pain pills, but they don't seem to be working.
Maybe a call to Dr. B is in order for something that might work a little better.

Something Funny:
When I took the dogs out this morning, Gizmo ran after the ducks.
The ducks aren't afraid of the dogs, they just stand up and flap their wings at them, but as Gizmo turned to run the other way one of the ducks hunched up his neck and hopped on two feet after him.
As soon as Gizmo turned around to see what was going on, the duck would stop and just stand there and look the other way.
As soon as Gizmo turned again the duck would hop after him.
I think it's a move he learned from the goose.

I have to go get my lunch ready, GH will be on soon and it's Friday.
I can't miss a minute of the action wasting my time making something to eat.
Sony figured out the combination to Alkazars exploding Briefcase that's locked in the vault so hopefully they can free the hostages in exchange for the code.

A Lot About Nothing

And the year of the sickies rolls on...
Wyatt has been sick so many times this year, nothing serious, just colds mostly, snotty nose and coughs, but they just keep coming one after another.
6 was sick last weekend, but I don't think it's the same thing Wy has now, Wyatt is having really bad stomach pain and 6 was having dizziness, shortness of breath and a heaviness in his chest.
I know, I know, it sounds like he was having a heart attack, but he's fine now.
I hope.
He has to be ok, and so does Wyatt because our insurance doesn't kick in until February 1st and we're still paying off our last two medical emergencies.
So keep your fingers crossed and hope for speedy recoveries, I need them both well so they can take out the garbage and open the gate.

Still no call about my dream job.
Deborah went over my resume and cover letter though, so maybe I'll have a better chance at the next job.
I really wish I could just set up a farm store in the little house and make my soaps and candles and sell coffees and flowers and produce and honey and berries, and pumpkins and eggs and antiques.
I'll work on that.

I'm trying to think of what to make for dinner tonight...
I think I'll make PW's Round Steak, I have a few in the freezer and anything fried is always a hit in this house.
Maybe I'll make some M&M cookies for dessert.
I made Paula Deen's Monster Cookies last week and they were deeeeelish but what wouldn't be deelish with an entire jar of peanut butter, a stick of butter, M&M's and chocolate chips.

Ok, I have to go to town, I'm out of dog food and chicken scratch.

Peas.

Tuesday Morning

Well yesterday I wrote my first resume and cover letter.
I was going to have my smart friend Deborah read it over before I sent it in, but I got ants in my pants and just hit send without it being proofed and now I bet they think I'm a big stooge especially since I sent it in the wrong format and they had to send it back and I had to resend it in the right format.
GahhhhDuhhhh.
I never heard back from them yesterday either so I'm sure they probably looked at it and went yeah right whatever weirdo.
That's ok, I'll just practice asking if you'd like fries with that.
Would you like fries with that?
Great! Would you like fries with that?
Okeydokey, fries with that today sir?
Ummm, alrighty then and would you like fries with that?
See how diversified I can be?
I could probably even get a shake in there if I had to.

Looking for a job blows.
I have applied so many different places and I don't even hear back and they were all stupid places anyway and then I see the listing for this job and it sounds so perfect that I wish I never even saw it because now I'm sad that I won't get it :(

Ok, whatever, chin up moving forward.

I'm almost finished with a very cool "shabby chic" "cottage rug".
Good marketing huh?
It's kind of pastely eastery colors that would go really good in a laundry room or a nursery or a shabby chic cottage done in a big stitch that makes the rug oober soft I hate it when the dogs lick themselves when I'm trying to talk it grosses me out and I loose my concentration and cozy under your feet.
If I finish it today I'll take a picture and post it on the fat facebook.
I wish the weather would clear up so I could get some more pictures of Nanny.
You know who I haven't talked about for a long time?
Astro.
The catastrophic cat.
The whirling white wonder.
He is easily as big or bigger than Pansy his calico counterpart and always causing trouble, in trouble or contemplating trouble.
He goes everywhere leaving a wide wake of destruction in his path.
He chases chickens, stalks peacocks, lunges on the lambs and lays in wait for the pig.
That cat is T.R.O.U.B.L.E
Isn't that a Loretta Lynn song?
Lucky for him he's the cutest cat in the world.

Ok, I'm done.

Peas.

Weekend Update

It must be late start Monday because I sure am getting a late start!
What a weekend.
No we weren't busy.
6 was sick most of the weekend, so we didn't get anything done and there's nothing worse than a sick husband.
What a grouch.
I don't feel good.
I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
What are you doing.
Gah, drives me nut. I have things to do, like play scrabble and watch lifetime.
Oh well, I survived, and when I woke up this morning there was a black and white dog in his place so I guess he lived to drive another day.

Wyatt is home today because of MLK day and isn't the deal with MLK day that you're not supposed to take a day off you're supposed to do a day of service... I think I'll have him do a little service work in his bedroom and bathroom and then when he's finished those two rooms he can volunteer to unload the dishwasher :)
I love holidays.

Ok, so news flash.
I spent my morning figuring out how to write my resume.
There was a job posting on Craigslist this weekend for production assistant at a local lavender farm where they make over 1200 hundred different products, but this position is for working with the essential oils. I would love to have a job like that so keep your fingers crossed.
I know, I know, your worried that I won't have time to blog, facebook, make soap, crochet or practice my mad baking skills, but I guess that's just one of the burdens of being a modern woman, so much to do, so little time.
Don't worry to much though, I probably won't get the job, but it will be good for me to have a resume together.

Ok, I gotta go, see you tomorrow.

Peas

Get Rich Quick

Anyone on my email list, look out...
I've decided to give all those get rich by forwarding to six people emails a try.
I am SO tired of being poor! Argghh!!
Heres the deal, I need your help.
We have this beautiful farm, there has to be some way we can have it work for us, but I just can't figure out how, so I need you to help me come up with some ideas.
I would LOVE to have a pumpkin patch, but the cost of ground prep is pretty steep.
I would also love to do an organic garden and a roadside stand, or even sell to local restaurants or green grocers but I have no idea how or where to begin.
I know there's a way, I just need to figure out the how.
Have any ideas?

Wyatt's home from school today because they're forecasting snow and if he gets sent home on snow route I can't get to him because I'm a weenie and won't drive in the snow and it's to far for him to walk.

I need to go to town and pick up an anti-biotic for Nanny this morning.
She has a puncture wound on her neck from when she got beat up so bad before we got her and it's looking kinda ugly.
I swear she is the cutest little thing, and once again, like every other four legged hay burner on this farm, she came to us with the warning that she's pretty "stand offish" and doesn't really like people and then she turns out to be a snug.
She comes running to the gate whenever we go out, greeting us with her little smokers bleet.
She totally reminds me of a short little old lady who's smoked for forty years who should be wearing big glasses and a house coat.
Most goats say maAaAaa, Nanny says meh.
Very funny.

Ok, I'm going to go rummage through my sheets and start putting a new rug together today.
I think I'll do some spring colors.

Have a great day!

School, Soap And Some Other Stuff

Ahhhh, thats more like it.
The house is quiet again, but I guess it's always quiet in the house before the sun comes up, so I really won't get the full effect of School being back in session until around 10:00 and by then I'll be missing him so really, I can't win.
My favorite days of school are the first days back after a long break.
You know like summer and winter, because there's always new clothes involved and for those first sweet few days my child doesn't look like an orphan.
His hair is cut, his clothes are clean and fit him reasonably well and he smells good.
Speaking of smelling, remember the Axe attack of last spring... Thank gawd that's over.
Of course it's over after investing at least a full months salary into having my son smell like a guatemalan whorehouse, but hey, so long as it's over I'm not complaining.
Maybe that's what I should do with all my spare time, start an Axe awareness group for new mothers of tweens.
You know, just be there to comfort and support them, teach them the art of Ben Gay under the nostrils and how to borrow from your child's college fund to support his Axe habit.
I think I'm on to something here...

Today is the day that I officially begin to consider the idea of taking down the Christmas crap.
I know, I'll feel better once it's done, clean space, it's like a new house blah blah blah I know I've been reading it on every blog.
How after putting away the holiday decor everyone suddenly feels so renewed which I find interesting considering how wonderful and full of love and warmth everyone felt last month after putting all thissh!t out.
I'll let you in on a little secret, my house wasn't very clean before Christmas and it won't be very clean after I box all this stuff up.
Thats just how I roll.

I'm crocheting headband earwarmer things.
So far I think they're pretty cool.
I'll post a picture when I'm finished.
They're super simple. Like me. : )

I made bengal spice soap with a smidge of cinnamon yesterday.
I'm excited to cut it and see if the cinnamon line through the center turned out like I planned.
It's colored and scented with tea so it has a very light "organiky" feel to it.
I'll just go cut it, hang on a sec....

Ok, I'm back and the soap turned out great!

The scent is so light it's almost unscented, so if your a no fru fru kinda soap lover this is right up your alley!

Ok, that's all for now.

See you tomorrow.

Peas.

Not Very Alarming...

Ugh... My brain is in spaz mode right now because for like the thirteenth morning in a row my alarm didn't go off,  and today I woke up with only six minutes to get Wyatt out the door. I'm not sure what I even packed in his lunch, for all I know, he may be having a can of Spam and some sweetened condensed milk for lunch, and I guarantee you he isn't wearing clean underpants but I do know he took a swipe at his teeth albeit I'm sure with a dry brush.

Oh well, we get a do-over tomorrow.

And tonight I'm going to get a different clock, I'm through giving my stupid other broken one chances. I mean it.

Wendy was here yesterday ♡

We had a really nice day even though she's still pretty sick. Every time she coughed I thought she was going to spit a lung out on my coffee table so I dosed her up with cough syrup and cough drops and some Sudafed which helped, but she was still coughing and gagging all day, so we just took it easy and watched documentaries about obesity and meth addicts. I know that sounds depressing, but really it makes you feel good about who you are because you don't weigh a metric ton or snort battery acid.

SH!T!!!!DARN!!!

I forgot to take the garbage out and the truck just went by.

Mannnnn I hate it when I forget to take the garbage out, but when 6 is gone we hardly have any garbage. I wonder why that is.

Back to Wendy.

She looks good, but she has jet black hair with two red stripes in the front on either side of her face but I just acted like I didn't notice and I didn't say anything, but that got shot all to hell when Wyatt came home and said

WENDYYOURHAIRISBLACKWITHREDSTRIPES

and so then I said  oh yeah, cute :)  I kind of think she knows it's pretty wild, and she is in beauty school and I just need to settle down and remember that when I was in beauty school I had red hair for Valentines Day and green hair for St Paddy's Day and dated Wayne Radder and so maybe this too shall pass.

The wind blew so hard here last night, I think some of your stuff is in my yard. The dogs were barking all night as things crashed and banged and I laid in bed remembering the Wizard of Oz and envisioned chickens being blown past the house and that skinny b!tch from the mobile spaces riding by on a stationary bicycle.

I think Astro just pooped in a plant.

See ya tomorrow.

Sickness & Celebrations

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I have ben sooooo sick I thought for sure I was gonna tip over.

I was so sick I envisioned my kids arguing over who was going to get Pooter and Pearl after I was gone...



And knowing for sure a fight would ensue over Astro the cutest kitten in the whole world.



And as I laid there I wondered if my family would really follow through with my wishes of playing Fly Me To The Moon and Lime and the Coconut at my services and serve wiener winks and Little Smokies in grape jam like I requested or if they'd just bring in a pizza and some garlic bread from Papa Murphys.

If my Sister was in charge of things I know she'd serve a nice lasagna and offer a variety of pies.

{Note to self, put Julie in charge of  send off social}

Anyway I'm up and around today but moving pretty slow, well slower than usual... But up is good, and being able to breathe is good and being able to talk is good (for me) and being able to Twitter, Facebook and Etsy is really good (no laptop.)

Wendy is coming out today!

I haven't seen her in a few weeks so I'm soooper excited to see her and hear how school is going and hopefully she'll tell me that she's seen the light and realized what a d-bag her stupid boyfriend is and that she's met a wonderful, smart handsome guy with a car and a job who doesn't live with his parents and has a valid drivers license and can pass a drug test with his own pee. I know, I'm asking a lot, but I can dream, right?

And..... Last but not least, today is 6's Birthday!



I have nothing romantic or mushy to say, only this... Thank gawd you're finally older than me (you can tell by the picture how old he is) and I hope you have a wonderful day in Canada and I hope that you get me a way better gift for my Birthday than I got you for yours.

In other Birthday news, my oldest friend in the whole world is celebrating today too!



I  have nothing mushy to say to you either.

Thankfully we established a non sensitivity pack in the very beginning of our friendship when you gave me a bloody nose when we had to walk hand in hand to the lunchroom because I had sweaty hands.

So, my gift to you Valerie is that I have ALWAYS let you be skinnier than me and a reminder that you were NEVER the purse watcher.

I love you both.

❤

On The Road Again

Tuesday I walked into the utility room at least four times to start a load of laundry, heard the washer going and turned around and walked out. After dinner I realized Wyatt has his rock tumbler running and it wasn't the washer after all. I figure at this rate I won't get any wash done for the next four to six weeks.

I have a bunch of stuff listed on Etsy and haven't sold anything. I've decided Etsy is more like bring & brag in grade school. You never get rid of anything, you just show it off. I'm going to list some junk on Ebay today, but I don't figure I'll find my fortune there either. Remember when Ebay was like one big garbage sale? Now it's just a bunch of new stuff. I could have a big garage sale, but I can't check my facebook and tend to a garage sale at the same time like I can with Etsy or Ebay.

Buddy somehow ripped his toenail off this morning and then decided to herd Molly Mule and nipped her leg. I'm not a doctor, but I ended up having to play one in the pasture before I even had my coffee this morning. Buddy's ripped off nail made me throw up in my mouth a little but it doesn't seem to bother him and I really felt sorry for Molly. She was just minding her own business when the self proclaimed wonder dog came out of nowhere and decided she needed to move. They're both ok, but Molly's keeping a pretty close eye on her new nemesis.

6 has taken a new job. He's tired of driving log truck and it no longer affords us the lifestyle we've grown accustomed too. You know, like eating AND paying bills. We also decided that after recently attending trailer park school and being informed that the mobile spaces need to be "run like a business," Wyatt and his condition, the menagerie and my intermittent ailments it would be difficult for me to get a real job, and actually, that works out well for me because the thought of having to make myself socially presentable every day is rather daunting. Anyway, 6 has put lots of thought and effort into finding what he feels is the best company to work for and applied to and was hired by an over the road long haul company that provides great benefits, retirement and bonuses. For him the biggest bonus will probably be not being nagged on a regular basis or having to change the sheets on my side of the bed ;)

Soggy Bottom

I think it snowed yesterday. It may of been hail, butI think it was snow. I think I should put my boots on and have Wyatt hold an umbrella over me while I assemble the pool. We could polar bear in July and maybe play some ice hockey over the long Labor Day weekend. We had two rain free days in a row last  week and I really thought I was going to be able to waddle out and hang a clothes line, but in this rain it would be just like sending the wash through a second rinse. Don't get me wrong, I'll complain when things dry out and get hot too, but right now I'm just sick of soggy.

So the other day I found out my ass face neighbors in the mobile spaces decided to water their lawn on the first day of no rain. I think it's a conspiracy, they're plotting against me, trying to knock me off my trailer park pedestal so they can take control and dominate the four space universe. I guess when you think about it, it is a pretty prestigious position. They also won't provide proof of insurance to me. Do you see the power play thats at stake here? This is a high risk game they're playing, winner take all, good versus evil. I have to carefully devise my plan so as not to appear weak. Should I wear my hair up or down when I take them to task and hold them accountable for the misuse of pond water? And what is proper protocol for inaccountability of insurance issues. Gloss or no gloss? Do I need to shave my legs to instill authority? Ugh, so much to think about.

Thats all.

Please Hold

We'll be getting "Lost" all day today, so if anybody needs us please wait until tomorrow!

Photo's courtesy of  Cake Wrecks!

[gallery columns="2" orderby="rand"]

Just Stuff

Ahhh... A beautiful day to mow the lawn. Not really. Is there ever really a good day to mow the lawn? I thought not. After I'm done with the lawn I get to vacuum and it seems like I have almost as much carpet as I do grass, except vacuuming means having to clean the stupid thing (vacuum) out too. Gag. I think that's the only downfall of dogs, and springtime is the worst. I really want hard wood floors... No wait, I want concrete floors that I can use a leaf blower to clean. That would be SO great! I think you could paint it to have some really cool looking finish and use a leaf blower to sweep and a pressure washer to mop. OMG, I think I'm on to something! Picture me wearing safety goggles and ear protectors cleaning the house...

American Idol... This is what I think, Casey for sure goes home tonight. I think Lee is on fire, I mean smokin! And, I think he has a good chance of pulling ahead of Dreads, which up until last night I didn't think he could do. I thought Dreads was in it to win it and would leave everyone else in the dust. Now I'm not so sure.

General Hospital is so dumb now I can't even watch it. It is nothing but stupid stress and I have enough of that going on. They don't even have a good story line. How dumb.

Ok, I can't think of anything else so now blogging has turned into procrastination...

Ummm... I got two really cute bras at the fat lady store last week! One is black and one is kind of a beigy taupey tan. If you ask me, there's nothing better than a new bra. Well, maybe maple bars. It's a toss up. Maple bars or new bras? I guess if you eat too many maple bars you have to get new bra's because you get to big for the bras you have, so really you can have your cake and eat it to. Or in this case it would be maple bars and bras. How would you say that? You can have your maple bars and bras too. No, that's not right. How about, You can wear you new maple bars and eat them too. No, still not right.Ummm, You can eat you bras and wear you bars. No, now I'm just getting confused.Oh well, you know what I'm getting at... Eat more bars get more bras!

After the whole bra thing I'm not even going to start on my new glasses. I'll just say this... I'm taking them back to have the stupid bifocals taken out. I've felt drunk all week and I walk around with my hands out in front of me and take super high steps because I feel like I'm falling off a log. I even talk like a stooge when I wear them, because I feel like I have to balance. I'm at the grocery store and the lady say's"would you like cash back" and I have to focus my eyes, take a deep breath, balance and say "uhhhh... no....thankyou"How dumb. I'm taking them back.

Random Stuff

Dinner last night was so great!

We had semi fresh crab, cesar salad, sauteed asparagus, and penne pasta with red pepper, garlic and cilantro.

Yumm. Eee.

Wendy found her Easter basket without any help from Wyatt, although you can be sure he offered. She loved her ugly easter bra and super cute pajamas and even shared a little of her loot with us.

After dinner we all played Brain Teasers and I was saddened to find my brain age was not as sharp as I had hoped, yet relieved to find it was better than Wendys!

She told us all about beauty school and all about all her friends and convinced me to come in and get some work done. I guess I could let her cover some grey, but hearing her rave about the purple streaks she did in someones hair leaves me leery.

Oh well, purple highlights would make for good blog fodder.

Wyatt is home today with growing pains again.

I swear he has shot up six feet in six weeks and every time this happens he gets horrible joint pain.

He's taking Ibuprofen and sleeping it off, which is another thing that happens when he gets a crazy growth spurt, he sleeps like the dea... well, you know.

I set everyone in the barnyard free this morning to do a little yard work for me.

#6 called from Iraq just as I came inside and was warning me that they would eat more than the grass.

Apparently he failed to realize that I had been very specific with them in regards to the work I wanted done.

Dancing with the Stars.

Dumb.

I can't stand Kate and I'm sorry if you like the show, I won't judge, but really, it was painful to watch last night.

General Hospital.

What do you think is going to happen with Beater Kiefer on the side of the road?

I'm glad Alexis hit him with her Prius (obviously a case of bad brakes) and I'm glad Kristina is telling the truth, but I bet Sonny will take the fall for dead Kiefer.

Ciao'

Monday Morning Update

Well, Easter 2010 is almost packed up and put away for another year.

Wendy is coming out for dinner tonight and that'll wrap things up for us, but what a fun time we had. In case you live under a rock and haven't see our pictures, you can find them here...

Easter Flickr

We made cookies, ate cookies, dyed eggs, hid eggs, found eggs, ate candy, played new DS games, watched all the Mummy movies had a great dinner and went to bed early!

Ok, so listen to this.

Remember last year when I quit sugar and caffeine and quit smoking?

Well I started again with the caffeine and sugar sometime in the late fall, but I never started smoking again.

Anyway, after watching a few to many "where your food comes from" movies I am completely grossed out by meat and dairy and have given it up. It wasn't even hard to do, every time I thought about a steak I just invisioned a broken down old cow in a feed lot standing in poop up to his ankles, and then how long it takes for said cow to get to my fridge after he's been cut up and wrapped and then how long he sits wrapped in my fridge before I put him on my grill.

Don't get me wrong, I would still eat meat (I think) if it came from my pasture but the thought of eating it six months after he's been knocked off still kind of gives me the heebes.

Ok, I know you think I'm nuts, but here's the deal...

We haven't had any meat or dairy for almost two weeks, well, a smidge of Parmesan on pasta, but that's it and really, I feel pretty good. I've even been making my lattes with vanilla rice milk which means I don't need to flavor my coffee with sugary syrups, and I even made cookies with rice milk.

We've been eating a ton of veggies, nuts and fruits and having fish for dinner.

~Be sure to only buy wild fish not farm raised.Gag~

Here's something amazing that has happened.

The dark circles I've had under my eyes my WHOLE life...

Gone.

Maybe I've had an allergy to dairy all along and just never knew it.

Also, the best part is, I don't feel all pusy, pudgy puffy anymore.

I can see my ankles and my face isn't bloated like a Macy's parade float.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a fatty, just not a bloated fatty.

The first few days were a b!tch. I was really sick and I think I may have even been a bit cranky.

Don't ask Wyatt, just take my word for it.

It was the same way when I quit caffeine though.

Ok, thats enough about that.

Now for some

BIG NEWS!

My niece Fahren got engaged over the weekend!!

I am SO happy, you can't even believe it!

I love first weddings, they are so exciting and so fun.

I remember mine like it was yesterday.

I am dying to see the dress, and find out what colors she chooses, and see how she wears her hair, and what color she polishes her toenails and rather we'll get to eat fish or chicken and what the wedding cake is going to look like and where they'll go on their honeymoon and where she registers and what am I going to get them, maybe I'll crochet them a rug or make them a lifetime supply of soap or crochet them matching grocery bag bags, there is just SO much to think about!

I know, I know, she isn't my daughter and it isn't all about me, but it is kind of about me and it's even better than Wendy getting married because Fahren's fiance has a job and a nice family and a drivers license!

I think I'll get a perm for the wedding : )

Bacon and Eggs

This week when I've gone out to feed and collect eggs I have been repeatedly disappointed at the lack of eggs the ladies have been leaving me.

I wondered if it was the weather, or if I needed to turn their lights back on, or maybe they were striking over the same hum drum diet.

I just couldn't figure it out.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I went out earlier than usual and things were still pretty quiet in the barnyard.

The goats were still asleep in their boat and Gina the cross dressing rooster was still on the BBQ*.

As I started rustling the feed bags and filling the buckets everyone quickly came to life, everyone except for Pearl that is.

I looked all around and didn't see her anywhere so I began calling her name, casually at first but then a little louder as I began to worry.

I was sure she would stick her head out of her house at any moment, but there was no movement in the pig house.

Then I heard her.

I heard her, and then I saw her...

Coming out of the hen house.

That sneaky pig has taken up residence in the hen house which must be like a 5 star bed and breakfast for a pig.

Comfy cedar bedding, wood floors and fresh duck eggs every morning.

As she emerged from her new digs covered in shavings, she looked at me as if to question my intelligence, like maybe I'd never seen a pig with good sense.

But there was still the question of the missing eggs, Pearl can't reach the roosts.

The pig house.

I stuck my head head into Pearls abandon crib, and sure enough, up on the snack shelf, sat a weeks worth of eggs.

Apparently the hens got the hint and packed up and moved out, and I suppose I better keep an eye out or there's gonna be a pig in a king size fully adjustable craftmatic with heat and massage taking over the remote.

*Gina SLEEPS on top of the the BBQ.

Water Woes

A few weeks ago I received a letter from the county saying our water system for the mobile spaces was in violation.

I wondered what the problem could possibly be and called right away.

The problem was, no samples had been taken since the system was put it forty years ago.

I talked to the people at the county who were very nice and explained to me that it was a very simple process but that I may want to have someone show me how to do it the first time.

I called up the local water guy who knows the property and has done all the maintenance on the well and septic for years, and before he did the work, his father did all the work and was the one to originally put the lines in place.

The first thing I noticed when he arrived and stepped out of his truck was that he was handicapped.

I felt badly as he made his way towards the pump house in the cold and rain struggling to not fall over and wondered to myself why he didn't use some sort of assistance like a cane or walking stick.

It wasn't until he got to within twenty feet of me that I realized that he wasn't handicapped.

He was drunk.

Very Drunk.

As in drunk as an f'ing skunk.

He smelled about as bad as a skunk too.

Great.

Oh well, he did what he needed to do and showed me how to take care of things and get samples and as far as drunks go, he was one of the nicer ones I've met.

Part Two:

There hasn't been any outdoor water from the pond to the mobile spaces for the last few months because when it was so cold last winter #6 disconnected the pump wires so that nobody would go and flip the switch to turn the pump back on and burn it up when the lines were frozen.

Let me re-phrase "nobody" to Jackass know it all, further referred to as just Jackass.

~Jackass has lived in the mobile spaces for many years and has appointed himself king of all things~

The day 6 left for Iraq, Jackass headed straight to the barn to reconnect the pump.

Not having any idea how to reconnect the wires, he just started connecting them willy nilly and only stopped when sparks flew and and smoke billowed.

So, do you know what that means?

NO outside water from the pond.

Do you know what else that means?

Jackass will not be able to wash his cars, his house, his driveway, his dump truck, etc...

Do you know what ELSE that means?

I'll tell you what else that means...

It means that f'ing Jackass has been using binoculars for the last month to look and see if I'm home or not before he washes his cars, his house, his driveway and his dump tuck with well water!

Jackass figured he was really cutting a fat hog and pulling one over on me.

He decided he was so smart he would brag about how smart he was to his neighbor.

I decided he's pretty stupid if he thought the neighbor wouldn't rat on him

Busted.

Now I just need to figure out my next move so I can catch him in the act without revealing my source.

Soaking

Ugh, enough with this weather already...

I know, I shouldn't complain.

We didn't get piles of snow this year and we only had that one week of bazzilion degrees below zero when we almost froze our a$$es off but really, this wind and rain has got to stop!

Every time we get a gust I'm sure it's going to be the one that blows the top off the barn, and the rain makes the ground so slick I feel like Tonya Harding figure skating out to the henhouse.

My floors look like we've been guest hosting the Oregon Zoo with all the mud that gets tracked in and my little little green clean machine is about ready to go t.u.

It just can't keep up.

I think when we replace the floors we'll go with something waterproof that has a drain so I can just hose the place down.

The other problem is that as soon as it quits raining and the sun comes out the grass is going to grow faster than my waistline and you know what that means...

John Deere and I will begin our summertime love hate relationship.

I will love the fact that I'm not pushing a mower and hate the fact that I'm riding one.

How is it that #6 made all this look so easy when he did it and I'm pretty sure it will be the death of me???

Seriously, the inside stuff and a flower bed here and there is plenty enough for me and now I have to figure out how to do all the outside stuff too?

I think the place is going to look like Sanford and Son by the time 6 gets back next winter.

And then, to top it all off, Wyatt has been home for the last week AND today for spring break.

Remember all of those tender endearments about wanting to home school because I miss him so much when he's away?

Yeah, well scratch that.

I'm ready to enroll him in boarding school in Switzerland.

I hear they have great health care there.

No Moo

I'm not quite sure why, but recently I have become repulsed by meat, eggs, milk and cheese.

Why do you suppose that is?

Last night I made an omelet for dinner and found myself puking in my mouth a little as I cracked the eggs into the bowl. Then, when it was ready and we sat down to eat I was so pukey all I could eat was my toast.

It. Made. Me. Sickypoo.

This morning I made my latte and that made me gaggy.

All I could think of was my latte being dispensed from cow boobs and the article I read about the pus levels in milk.

Ohhhh ... It's happening again.

Gag.

Last week I started thinking about meat.

Figure this...

A cow from some place far less than a lush green meadow is knocked off and sent to the cut and wrapper.

Then it's put on a truck and sent to the market.

Then it's more than likely rewrapped and shelved.

It sits in the store for a day or so.

You purchase it and take it home.

You may or may not eat it that day.

Lets just for arguments sake say you toss it in the freezer for a week or so or more.

Now you take it out and thaw it in your sink for the afternoon or in the fridge overnight.

The ground beef your having in your spaghetti tonight could be almost a month old, IF not more.

I'm forty two years old and for the first time in my life, the food I eat grosses me out.

I feel like a great big pusy lump of fetid funk.

I went to the store today and bought rice milk and a bunch of veggies and when I walked down the meat isle I got a huge case of the heebes so I spun around and bought some of those dumb garden burgers and some "tofurkey."

Now don't go thinking I've lost my mind, I'm not going all PETA Green Peace or anything, I just think I'm going through a phase.

I'm sure I'll be back on track and ready for a big thick grilled rib steak real soon, but for now I have to go get some air, this post has made me pukey.

Tax Time

Today, is farm tax day.
I NEVER put taxes off this long, but this year my plate has been full and taxes are the peas that I pushed to the side to eat last.
If you have been reading my blog since the beginning of time, you know what tax time on the farm was like before my Grampy moved to the big barn in the sky.
He would get EVERY slip of paper he had collected throughout the year and make 507 stacks on the kitchen table.
Tax preparations usually started in early January and would end with an extension sometime mid Mayish.
He would have receipts from the sausage egg mcmuffins that he shared with the dogs on Tuesdays and the receipt for the new washer for the faucet for the sink in the utility room.
There were stacks of every electric bill (big house, little house and barn) phone bill, cable bill and car insurance bill.
Saved slips from the dogwash, the barber shop and every restaurant we patronized during the previous year, and for months they would make the daily slide from one end of the kitchen table to the other to make room for every meal, and without fail my Grampy would say these words, "Beans and Rice that's alot of GD paperwork, I need to get that sh!t together and into the tax lady."
Except, he didn't really say beans and rice.
Or GD.
And he didn't really spell sh!t with an exclamation point.
Needless to say, I have simplified the process.
I will use my Mac and be done in about thirty minutes and then take my folder into the tax lady.
I might even take the dogs to McDonalds on the way home just for old times sake.
So, I would love to sit here and talk to you all day, but I have sh!t to do.

Peas~