As Seen On T.V

I was up at 3:30 this morning and there was an infomercial on for Kymaro Body Shapers and Curve Control Jeans.

I was totally sucked in because my niece is getting married in May and I really want to look like I weigh 185 pounds. It would also be nice if I could look like I was about 5'9 but since that's not going to happen I figured at least with the Kymora Body Shaper and Curve Control Jeans I could possibly pull off the great weight illusion. They kept showing sad fat old lumpy ladies but then after they put on the Kymora Body Shaper and Curve Control Jeans they all stood straighter, had thicker hair and dazzling white teeth, so really it wasn't even just about how they looked in stretch denim, it was about a complete do over and trust me, I could really go for one of those. But then I started thinking... I remembered when I was single and how on Friday nights I would always be sure to wear my going out undergarments, you know, suck em' in floor to ceiling underpants, bras with enough steel in them that they could have doubled as foundation support in an industrial complex, hair done with so much Aqua-Net that I'm pretty sure there's a hole in the ozone layer with my name on it and so much liquid eye liner and red lipstick that if I'd bought stock in Maybelline I could have retired before I was forty. The traumatic part was always the next morning when I would wake up a wine soaked cellulite explosion with black rimmed racoon eyes and lipstick stained teeth wondering how I got home and where I left my shoes.

I digress.

At 3:30 AM the temptation of youth and slender were very appealing, but by the time I rolled out of bed and pulled the Hostess wrapper off my thigh I realized that it would take more than $59.90 + shipping and handling to regain my girlish figure and maybe I was better off relenting to the idea that I will be sporting a lovely pair of polyester blend buffet pants with a long tunic to my nieces nuptials. And anyway, I would hate to outshine the bride on her big day because after all, some people only get married once.