Get A Rope

Ok, here goes.
My attempt to grab a line, look for the light and pull myself out of the depression ditch I have dug.
Trust me, it's a deep one.
I have been sleeping and crying and eating since Friday afternoon. I haven't even been able to pull myself together enough to talk on the phone for two days.
I have been a big fat blathering bed headed mess and it has to stop.

First. 

I need to identify what I am so ruined over. 

It's not me with cancer in a care facility not aware of my surroundings, I'm at home on the couch bawling watching daytime t.v.
What is with that?
Here's what I think.
I think that there was some ego ravaged side of me that thought I could make GK better.
He was better for awhile, but not because of me, it was because of the medication he was receiving and all I had to do with that was putting it in a dish every morning. 

BFD.

Second. 

I think during the last two years I have defined myself not as someones Mother, or the "Nail Lady," but as GK's cancer companion.

I have let myself get so caught up in this, that one might think I had the big C.

I have learned every medical slang Doc talk there is relating to his treatment, I have researched everything there is to know about prostate cancer online and payed extra special attention to any episode of House that may have pertained to prostate cancer and found myself hanging on every cancer tidbit that Wilson threw out.

Third. 

I think I need to learn how to just love GK again the way I did before "we"  got cancer.

I need to make him the focus, not the disease

Insurance is paying other people to focus on that now and my new job needs to be loving him, not "fixing" or fixating on him.

Not having him here with me leaves a BIG empty hurting space in my heart, and our house feels like it's another heart short of a home.

I guess I need to get used to the idea that my Grammy is one heart short of a home where she is too, and has been waiting patiently for the time when she and our Grampy can be together again.

Ouch, that made my eyes blurry.

I have to go watch T.V, I'm losing my grip on the rope.