Bug, Bug, Goose

I had thirteen geese.

And a coyote problem.

And over the last two years it has been the worst it's ever been. 

It got to the point where I let Wendy's Baby Daddy teach me how to shoot a 22, but it's not much good in the closet where I keep it so I don't have a gun out. 

Buddy is really good at keeping them away, but they come when he's inside in the early morning.

Buddy The Snow Dog

So I don't have ducks anymore, the chickens can no longer come and go as they please and I'm down to just one goose.

Who has bonded with me.
And my car.

I'm not kidding.

She sleeps next to the car, plays next to the car and protects the car day and night.

The only thing she loves more than the car is me.

Can you see the problem with this?

When I go outside and she want's to play and then she realizes that not ONLY are we not going to play, but I'm also taking "her" car, things get ugly in a hurry.

It's better when I have a passenger, because then someone can get out and chase her off, but if it's just me, I get this

And then, once I finally do get to the gate after a series of starts and stops and honking the horn and trying to outrun her if she does move, I get this

Talk about heart breaking.

What you can't see in these photos is the fracas going down between the pig and the dog who are totally losing it because not only am I taking the car, but there's a huge possibility of Lucille ending up a hood ornament of a 2000 Volkswagen Beetle so they're chasing each other in a frenzy of squeals and barks and howls calling in the donkeys and a few sheep while Lucille is squawking at the top of her lungs for me to stop and once I do finally make it to the other side of the gate, they all just stare at me.

When you take all that into consideration, it's easy to understand why I seldom leave home alone and when I go to the gym I feel like I've already done a full workout just getting out of my driveway.

The up side of all of this of course, is that I have the best barnyard alarm system in the country. 

Between the donkeys, dogs, pig and patio goose, I know you're here before your tires leave the pavement.

So do the neighbors.

Wyatt turned seventeen.

I only have one year left to boss him around and make him do my bidding and then he'll legally be able to ditch me.

That leaves just one year to totally brainwash and guilt trip him into staying with me forever get him ready for the world.

I've had a child companion since I was sixteen years old, and the thought of going it alone terrifies me.

Who is going to unload the dishwasher? 

Who is going to switch the clothes to the dryer? 

Who is going to take the garbage can to the road? 

Will there even be garbage, or will the just be Yoplait and Ben and Jerry's containers because I'll have to eat my emotions... 

I can't even go there.

I need to line up a good therapist now and maybe even start weekly sessions building up for what's to come.

Back to Wyatt.

I can't believe he's so grown up, and I can't even remember where the time has gone.

One day he's eating cereal at the kitchen table in his underpants and the next day

he's a junior in living room school, working a part time job in a floral warehouse and driving.

He's polite, handsome and his Dad is a total dickwad jerk who called to wish him a happy birthday and tell him that he had to move from Texas to Louisiana because "child support" was closing in on him.

Nice, call your son and tell him you split town to avoid having to contribute to his care.

Running from responsibility is the only thing that d-bag does well.

I digress, again, back to Wyatt.

Wendy and Hunter came over in the morning and we had a birthday parade of gifts and then we picked up Kiara in the afternoon and went out for a perfect birthday dinner at his favorite restaurant and had the best waiter in the entire world ever who made the occasion so over the top fun it was unbelievable!

I ate birthday cake and had a legit sugar hangover all day yesterday.

Seriously, the struggle is real.

Are you a cell phone case on or off person?

My case has to be off in order to connect Pandora to my car so it usually stays off and I can't stand it.

Some people don't like cases though, and I'm just curious who those weirdos are...

Senior Swimming

Here's what I learned about water aerobics...

1. Don't wear your cute cruise suit to class because your boobs float out and your skirt covers your face and you lose your spot.
2. Seasoned water aerobicisers are very serious about their spots.
3. You can't hear directions so you  have to copy what everyone else is doing and if you don't do it right your neighbor will quickly correct you. 
4. Old people are stronger in water.

Walking from the showers to the pool was the longest walk of shame I've ever done. It was a cross between Miss America and the final loser on The Bachelor. 

I was all by myself in my fabulous suit with thirty waterlogged seniors staring at me, and even after I got in the pool, no one talked to me, so I just started talking to them, which was no easy feat because they're all half deaf and the music is blaring, but I just kept talking. 

By the time the class was over I felt like I'd earned their trust and they had accepted me as part of their group.

Even though they hadn't heard a word I'd said.

I love the class and even though I can't go in this morning, I'll do the 6:00 class tonight, which really blows, because the morning class will think I'm a quitter, and I'll have to do another walk in front of another group, except this time I won't be in a cruise suit, I'll be in swim shorts and a swim top so I won't be a vag flasher when we do the scissor kick.

Yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 60 minutes.

Small potatoes for everyone else, huge milestone for me.

Last time I was near a treadmill I had gone in for my stress test and before I even stepped on the stupid thing they had me locked up in the Hospital for three days.

I haven't told my doctors what I'm doing, but I think they'll be really proud of me.

Last Friday was Chick Day!

Hunter and I went to town and got ten chicks, so that will make twenty two layers by the time they get up to peek manufacturing, and I'm going into the egg business.

Right now I'm getting more than we can eat, but not enough to sell so I either need to get up or get out.

I don't think there's big money to be made in the egg industry, but a little "pin money" will be nice.

Hunter loves the chicks and wants to go out and do "chick checks" about every fifteen minutes and each check consists of counting the chicks and holding his "favorite" one.

Can you spot his favorite?

Neither can he, they're all his favorite.

The tree guys are coming today.

I have an out of control Italian Plum tree, two run away dogwoods and a Japanese Maple that's taking over the driveway.

They're also going to prune my roses and the fig tree that one of our renters destroyed "pruned" for us five years ago.

I'm excited to see the results, I imagine it will go something like this...

I'll also be listing some Etsy goods and restocking the shop today, and reformulating the lip balms.

The last batches had shea butter in them which goes scritchy when they get cold and warm up again, so I went back to the lab and reformulated and ended up too waxy so today I'm back at it with a new plan in hopes of finding the perfect formula.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Blahging About Blogging

My very best blog friend 4 Shoes is back to blogging!
You really have no idea how happy this makes me, she has inspired me to blog again and now I want her to blog every single day!
It seems as though most of my circle of blogs fell out of the loop somewhere along the line and moved to the ever expanding, thought sharing, junk food shaming, over memeing, totally addicting, soul sucking Facebook.
There I have watched children grow, marriages come and go, holidays celebrated and meals prepared.
It is so satisfying and such a quick fix, but here's the problem, I have no reference on my life.
I don't post about the happenings of my day or the funny or horrible or horribly funny things that happen and even more often don't happen in my own life.

When I started this blog it was The Trailerparks Farm.

It was a place for me to post every day about what was happening within my family and for my family as I cared for our aging grandparents, but it quickly turned into a thing that I loved to do and I found a community that made me laugh and sometimes even cry as they shared their lives with me and the rest of the world.
And so, I blogged.
And blogged.
And blogged.
And blogged.
And then, I stopped.
And now I have no reference to the things that have gone on in my life, except for what sticks to the sticky part of my brain and the BIG stuff that I would remember anyway.

I want to get back to my blogging basics and start posting all the boring stuff.
Pictures of cats, crappy arts and crafts and I want to talk way too much about the kid that calls me "Tranny" because he can't pronounce a hard "G".

And I suppose if I talk too much about that stuff, you could just click out and go find something interesting on Youtube or call your mom or something.

And I guess if you're one of the thirtytwoeleventeen people that end up here because you think I'm the Dirty Jobs Fat Bottom Farm (I'm not) you will figure it out and keep looking for them on Google
(They're not there) and just for the record, our farm is NOT named after their farm, we were fat before they were on T.V and our fat bottoms are donkeys not goats.
Jack asses, fat donkeys, fat asses, can't say fat ass on the internet, fat bottoms, Fat Bottom Farm.
Donkeys.
And I do make soap, but I do not make goats milk soap because I do not have goats.
I have donkeys.

And a pig.

And sheep.

And dogs and geese and chickens and some cats.

None of which would make very good "milk" soaps so I stick with the basic home made, cold process milk free soaps that you can buy here at the Fat Bottom Etsy.

So, what all of this has been about, is, I'm going to try to get back to some basic blogging, and if most of my other blogging friends are gone, I hope to make a lot of new blogging friends who like to talk about a lot of boring stuff and look at pictures of cats and kids and crochet projects, and cake, and soap and failed craft projects that would have been better off just left looked at on Pinterest.

Sound good?
Good!

Peas.

Stink Bugs and Waffles

Spring has arrived on the farm!
Everything is beginning to bloom, the grass needs to be cut, and it looks like we're going to have a good crop of cats this year...

The other sure sign of the season is the arrival of our new nemesis, the stink bug...

Yes, the brown marmorated stink bug, the flying tank, the despicable destroyer of all things green in the garden, the buzzing, stinking, disgusting, horrible new menace of the west.
Stink bugs are fairly new in these parts, but their numbers are growing.
A few years ago they were something you'd see every now and again, but not think much of.
Then, they grew in numbers to the point we all started to take notice, and then...
They. Were. EV. ER. EEE. WHERE.
In the house, on the house, under the house, in the yard, in the car, in boxes, in bags, and of course the all time favorite, in your coffee, that you hope and pray you notice before you take a sip.
If you think I'm kidding, I'm not and if your sitting there feeling smug because you don't have the little buzzing b@st@rds where you live, get ready, they're coming.
They're native to Japan and China, and it's my firm belief that they have come here as stow aways in all of the everything that comes here from Japan and China.
The girls at the feed store have told me that when they are unpacking boxes of clothing they are hiding, tucked away, silently waiting to awaken from their transcontinental slumber.
So if the girls at the feed store are finding them in the limited boxes of clothing that they unpack, think of the numbers that the big box stores are unknowingly unleashing.
I know in the south and on the east coast they have been a problem for awhile, but we here in the upper left corner are just now adjusting to the warriors of stench, so if you in the know have any tips for us newbies, please share your strategies.
Here's a link to the Wiki How to Kill a Stink Bug page, but I think it's pretty run of the mill, common knowledge. I want the good, passed down through the family, top secret, if we tell you we have to kill you kind of tip.

Ok, for today's recipe, I am sending you to Something Swanky for her perfect belgian waffle recipe.

I am a lover of waffles, but not a lover of whipping egg whites or buttermilk that goes bad in the fridge after using a cup for waffles, so I am always on the look out for recipes that are devoid of each.
I can say with assurance I have found the perfect recipe.
Thank you Pinterest and Something Swanky.
The elastic waistband pants industry thanks you as well.

Peas.

Old Dogs and Blue Fish

Have you ever got something on a whim like pregnant after too many wine coolers and not taken in to consideration how long you would have it?

 I was thinking about this the other day when a friend got a puppy because puppies are cute and dipped in crack and when you see one you have to have one. She's a good, responsible, upstanding citizen and has another dog that is loved and well cared for and I'm sure this puppy will receive the same treatment, but I don't think she was thinking about the crotch being chewed out of all of her underpants and the legs of her furniture being destroyed when she took that big whif of puppy breath and tucked him under her arm and headed for home.

I have three dogs that drive me crazy I share the house with and make no mistake, they are the pack leaders and I'm just the tall one with thumbs.

Bart works hard and drives himself to near madness making sure that nobody makes any quick moves or too much noise in the house. Bart fends off dangerous vacuum cleaners and sees to it that no aerosol products are dispensed. He follows me from room to room and clears the area around me when we're outdoors by running circles around me.
Good dog Bart.

Buddy is his own man and marches to the beat of a dog whistle that no one but he can hear.
Buddy does what he wants when he's decided it's time to do it. He can herd and separate sheep from either side of the fence, move geese and ducks in complicated patterns across the farm and stare down a stubborn pig.
He excels at all of this.
If it's his idea.
His weakness is carbs and can be called off duty with pasta and baked goods.
Good dog Buddy.

Pooter.
Not much can be said about Poo because Poo doesn't do much. I got Poo when I was still working and I used to take him to the salon with me. He would charm the ladies with his big brown eyes and walk around our little downtown courtyard gleaning snacks from neighboring businesses, and it wasn't long before Poo started struggling with weight issues.
That's what led him to his thirty-two pound ornamental status.
Good dog Pooter.

I have a fish.
One blue fish.
One blue fish that swims alone in a tank at the end of the room in a tank that glows green.
I never really wanted the fish but Six did and then when Six split he left the fish.
How long do fish live?
I'm totally over the fish.

not my fish but same blue fish and green water

Anyway, it's just interesting to me how our brains don't think of things like chewed left shoes, ripped couch cushions, anal glands, or custody of marine life after divorce.

I seriously never considered growing old and fat with a Shi-Tzu, yet here we are...

Peas.

Septic Tanked Part Deux

Remember this post?
Septic Tanked
Well, the septic strikes again...
This time one of the homes in the mobile spaces.

Vern (not his real name) called me on Mothers Day morning to tell me that things were "backing up" in his shower as his washing machine was washing and asked what he should do... I told him I didn't know, but that I would call someone who did. I called my septic guy who came out later that afternoon and pumped the system that hadn't been pumped since the Spanish Inquisition, but he told me I wasn't going on the wall as the most wanted septic offender, because after that long it's often best not to pump at all until there's a problem because pumping a system that old and rickety will often lead to more problems than you'll know what to do with. He told me the system was so old and in such bad condition that there could not be another tank clean out, that the next time there would have to be a system replacement.
You can imagine my excitement.
Anyway, the septic guy said if we made it through the following week or so without a cave in we were probably in the safe zone.
Wrong.

Two weeks ago Vern called again... And I knew he wasn't calling to wish me good morning.
His yard was bubbling.

Picture this;
Sometime around the years of 1970 my Grampy laid out four single wide mobile home spaces on the upper corner five acres of the farm. Two on each side, one placed slightly uphill above the other. Each space is approximately one acre with it's own antique thousand gallon steel septic tank and drain field. Over the years all but one home has been replaced with a double wide home set in the same spot as the original single wide home. The homes are all individually owned and just the land is leased, which means that we are responsible for everything from the dirt down and the roof up.
At this point it's kind of like sitting on ticking time bombs, as all of the septic systems are over forty years old with a life expectancy of about thirty years.

So, I called my septic guy.
Of course he was out of town.
It turned out that was a good thing because this very quickly turned into a very big job that involved excavators, locators, hard hats and permits that would be better handeled by a larger company with an inside line and access to all the everything that the job called for. As a matter of fact, the job is so big that it still isn't finished.
But, Vern is now sitting atop a brand new, concrete, thousand gallon septic tank with shiny new pvc pipes leading to a newly installed top of the line distribution box that drains through freshly jet vac'd lines into a sparkly clean drain field.
Seriously, I ask you, could life get any better?
I can answer that.
Yes.
If money grew on trees.
Talk about flushing money down the drain.

The moral of the story is this... Our systems were under maintained for many, many years and now, even though we are at the far end of the expected tank life, it probably would not have come to such a dramatic conclusion if we had put more effort into maintaining the systems as opposed to fixing the systems.
Many counties now require annual septic maintenance provided by state certified agents, and you can count on a septic inspection prior to the sale of your home. But, even if you don't fall into either of those two categories, it behooves you to treat your system with care.

Here are a few reminders for a healthy tank:

No Bleach
No fats or grease down the drains
No liquid fabric softener
No cigarette butts
No kitty litter
No feminine hygiene products
No parking or driving over tank or drain field
Anti-bacterial soaps and cleaners are hard on the system
One woman counts as 2.5 people
Try not to overload the system with too much usage at once, e.g., don't use the washing machine, dishwasher and shower all at the same time.

It's said that the natural waste will feed the system, but I believe in feeding one package of yeast a month just to be on the safe side.

Just remember, if you are good to your septic, your septic will be good to you.

Peas.

Lambs!

We're lambing!
Belle was first to go and had twins, Juanita and Hermano...

Wendy and Juanita

Then Jesse with a little ram lamb, Juan Pablo (The Bachelor)
She surprised me with a baby in the bushes, but they're both safe and sound in the barn now.

I have three more ewes I'm watching so that means endless trips to the barn all the while crossing my fingers and hoping for more twins.
The barn is to far in decline to lamb again next year, so I'm banding all the little rams.
I'll pick up some used sheep now and again just because I have so much pasture I need to keep down and don't tell me to get goats because I've had goats or should I say goats have had me...
No more goats.

I'm busy building up my soap supply again and have one batch ready and more on the shelf.
If you have a special request let me know, handmade soap is a great house warming, bridal shower and even baby shower gift.
There is nothing better than gentle handmade soap for little ones with sensitive skin.
Also, if you make your own laundry soap my plain and scented bars work wonders in the wash!

Today I'll be listing some Farmers Market.
The scent is light with bibb lettuce, basil and rosemary and no added color.

On the rack is Farm Flowers.
Scented with lilac, honeysuckle, sweet pea and lavender, it smells just like a fresh cut bouquet!
And...
Oregon Blackberry.
Smells like a bowl full of ripe berries with a pinch of crushed blackberry leaf sprinkled in on top.

Next on the list is some mango peach, I can't wait for that one!!

How about some candles...?

Peas.

Ewes Newes

Time for some babies.

Belle and Judy are getting ready to lamb.
This was Belle a few weeks ago.

And this is Belle now...
By the looks of things she will be having somewhere between three and thirtyeleven hundred lambs.

Judy looks like she'll come in with one forty pounder as usual.

Her last baby, Jesse, was so big she came out walking, talking and looking for the feed sack.

We've also had a bushel of baby geese...

And a batch of cats.
We only kept one.
He's brown.
Wendy's baby named him Chocolate and licks him every chance he gets.

I can't call Wendy's baby the Neighbor anymore because they moved one town over.
It was really hard for me to see them go, but our beloved little house finally gave out and it's no longer cost effective to keep it up.
I came home to that little house when I was born, so it has a very special place in my heart and it makes me very happy that Wendy's Baby had a chance to live there.
And his parents too of course.

This is Wendy's Baby on the tractor last summer.

This is him on the tractor a few days ago.

And in deep thought with the dog beside the tractor.

I think Wyatt and I are finally winning the yard wars.

When my sister was here a few weeks ago she helped us get a good start on taming the jungle that was encroaching on us 

And then taught Wyatt how to run the weed eater.

And now the yard looks like this...

All I do is ride the mower, but there's a lot to mow.

I'm making soap today, I'll get back to you on what kind I decide on.

Peas.

Natural Wonders

It's time to pick some weeds amazing plants!
So far I've found, growing in the pasture and around the barn, chamomile, applemint, nettle, foxglove and of course, the ever consuming, creeping wild blackberries.
It's amazing to me me, how as soon as I started looking around and paying attention to what was growing under my nose, I discovered a plethora of of goodness as opposed to what I had always considered a plethora of a huge pain in the as... Well you know.
Don't misunderstand, I think it can all still overtake me, but it's more comforting to know that the farm may slowly become overrun by herbal wonder disguised as evil green weediness.

Foxglove

Foxglove was typically used as a heart remedy and can be highly toxic, so I won't be using any of it, but it is beautiful isn't it...

Chamomile

I have chamomile growing out of my ears.

I'll pick the flowers as they bloom and dry them between layers of cheesecloth to be used later in teas for insomnia and headaches, in bathwater to relieve minor aches and of course in my homemade soaps.

After the last blooms I'll pick the leaves as well and cut the plant back for next year.

Nettles

If you have been a follower of the blog for long you know my ongoing battle with nettles...

They are overtaking the barn and sheds and it doesn't matter how many I cut back they come back two-fold.

Maybe I need to get into the nettle farming business and get rich on the stinging weed!

Nettles are used in teas, salads, stews and just about anything you would use a green in.

I'll dry the leaves and use them for tea and in my soaps.

In soap, nettle works for soothing eczema and psoriasis and helps with acne.

In tea it helps with arthritic pain and joint swelling.

Apple Mint

So...

I have this growing everywhere and had no idea what it was until one of YOU told me that it was apple mint!

Let me start by saying this... Apple mint smells amazing.

I walk outside on a warm day and the smell of the chamomile and apple mint is almost overwhelming.

I will cut and dry most of the mint, but I will also use some of it fresh in teas and salads.

Dried I will use it for tea as well but also, of course, in my soaps.

Blackberries

And finally, the Queen of all things, the blackberries.

They are everywhere.

I have tried goats, llamas, sheep and donkeys.

In the war on blackberries there is only one winner. 

The blackberries.

Of course an excavator and some Round-Up would would do the trick, I just don't happen have an excavator at my disposal and well we all know how we all feel about the Round-Up people.

So, I will become one with the blackberry and throw myself into the cobblers, jams, scones and soaps that the blackberry provides.

The following is taken from Alternative Nature Online Herbal

"Delicious Blackberries are edible raw or made into jelly or jam. The root-bark and the leaves are astringent, depurative, diuretic, tonic and vulnerary. They make an excellent alternative medicine for dysentery, diarrhea, hemorrhoids, and cystitis.

The most astringent part is the root. Orally, they are used to treat sore throats, mouth ulcers and gum inflammations. A decoction of the leaves is useful as a gargle in treating thrush and also makes a good general mouthwash. The presence of large amounts of tannins that give blackberry roots and leaves an astringent effect useful for treating diarrhea are also helpful for soothing sore throats. A medicinal syrup is also made from Blackberry, using the fruit and root bark in honey for a cough remedy."

I don't think I'll be using blackberries for hemorrhoids, but I will be making some AMAZING soap with the leaves.

That concludes the weed walk around the farm.

Now to go out and get it and put it to use!

Peas.

*Sorry for the wonk of todays post, I'm not sure what went wrong with the formatting