I Forgot What I Came Here For...

I was up at 4:00 this morning because I had this post perfectly laid out in my mind.

So I got up, went to the bathroom, let the dog out, checked the fire, put the kettle on, let the dog in, fed the cats, started the dishwasher, washed the pan that was on the porch for the dogs last night, let the other dogs out, played with the goose, made my coffee, let the two dogs in, let the one dog out, got into the living room and turned around to let the cats out, remembered I needed to edit some HTML on the blog, looked up the coding from the other blog, let the cat in, looked across the room to see Wyatt's socks on the floor in front of the chair, got up, picked up the socks and put them in the utility room to be washed, remembered Hunter was coming today and started thinking about what to make for lunch, then remembered we're meeting his Mother for lunch in town, then remembered I have a doctors appointment at 3:45 and smelled my pits to see if I could get away sans shower, then I remembered someone is coming to look at the little house today, then I fixed the coding on the blog, then I started reading other people blogs, then I had to make another cup of coffee, and now I have no idea of what I was going to blog about.

I still don't have a bathing suit!

I sent #3 back because it fit great everywhere except for my ginormous boobs that spill out the sides like an overstuffed jelly donut

I just don't get it, after I get them all stuffed in a bra, I don't even look that big, but try finding a bra or suit that fits a 40 H, and you'll be sorry my friends, very, very sorry.

I hope the more weight I lose the smaller those two will get because I hate them always being a cause for wardrobe concern.

If you go to hug me, I can poke a hole in your lung with an underwire, and I'm not even sure I could make it through airport security with this much scaffolding.

Anyway, #4 is on the way from Lands End.

Keep your fingers crossed.

With my return money from the other suits, I bought a Garmin Vivofit. I really researched this before I bought it, and I bought it because my niece was raving about her Fitbit, but I cant wear a Fitbit in the pool. The Garmin is waterproof, and shows my heart rate so I won't blow up.
It even syncs with MyFitnessPal (thetrailerparks) and automatically adds in my calories and exercise. 

I think it also tases you if you go to long without moving.

I'm going to the doctor today because I'm having problems swallowing and my mouth always tastes like dog poop.

Sometimes when I'm drinking something my swallower just quits working and I start choking.

I've been down this road before, so I already know it's my watermelon sized hiatal hernia that pushes my stomach up under my chin, and I've been scheduled for surgery twice, but the first one I cancelled because my surgeon sat down at her desk and opened a can of Diet Coke and smelled like cigarettes.

Here's the rub in that, I'm an ex smoker and sometimes I drink Diet Coke and I don't care if she does those things, I just wan't to believe she's better and smarter than me.

She had great hair though.

The second time I was scheduled for surgery my arteries broke and so that surgery was tabled.
I'm supposed to take some medication for it, but my stomach doesn't ever hurt anymore because I know what foods to avoid and that medication REALLY makes my mouth taste like poo.

I think that's a wrap.
I still don't remember what I got up at 4:00 AM to post about.

*Never ever Google "Old lady big boobs".

Senior Swimming

Here's what I learned about water aerobics...

1. Don't wear your cute cruise suit to class because your boobs float out and your skirt covers your face and you lose your spot.
2. Seasoned water aerobicisers are very serious about their spots.
3. You can't hear directions so you  have to copy what everyone else is doing and if you don't do it right your neighbor will quickly correct you. 
4. Old people are stronger in water.

Walking from the showers to the pool was the longest walk of shame I've ever done. It was a cross between Miss America and the final loser on The Bachelor. 

I was all by myself in my fabulous suit with thirty waterlogged seniors staring at me, and even after I got in the pool, no one talked to me, so I just started talking to them, which was no easy feat because they're all half deaf and the music is blaring, but I just kept talking. 

By the time the class was over I felt like I'd earned their trust and they had accepted me as part of their group.

Even though they hadn't heard a word I'd said.

I love the class and even though I can't go in this morning, I'll do the 6:00 class tonight, which really blows, because the morning class will think I'm a quitter, and I'll have to do another walk in front of another group, except this time I won't be in a cruise suit, I'll be in swim shorts and a swim top so I won't be a vag flasher when we do the scissor kick.

Yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 60 minutes.

Small potatoes for everyone else, huge milestone for me.

Last time I was near a treadmill I had gone in for my stress test and before I even stepped on the stupid thing they had me locked up in the Hospital for three days.

I haven't told my doctors what I'm doing, but I think they'll be really proud of me.

Last Friday was Chick Day!

Hunter and I went to town and got ten chicks, so that will make twenty two layers by the time they get up to peek manufacturing, and I'm going into the egg business.

Right now I'm getting more than we can eat, but not enough to sell so I either need to get up or get out.

I don't think there's big money to be made in the egg industry, but a little "pin money" will be nice.

Hunter loves the chicks and wants to go out and do "chick checks" about every fifteen minutes and each check consists of counting the chicks and holding his "favorite" one.

Can you spot his favorite?

Neither can he, they're all his favorite.

The tree guys are coming today.

I have an out of control Italian Plum tree, two run away dogwoods and a Japanese Maple that's taking over the driveway.

They're also going to prune my roses and the fig tree that one of our renters destroyed "pruned" for us five years ago.

I'm excited to see the results, I imagine it will go something like this...

I'll also be listing some Etsy goods and restocking the shop today, and reformulating the lip balms.

The last batches had shea butter in them which goes scritchy when they get cold and warm up again, so I went back to the lab and reformulated and ended up too waxy so today I'm back at it with a new plan in hopes of finding the perfect formula.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Rolling In The Deep

I joined a gym yesterday.

I know, I'm surprised too.

I'm not going to be lifting weights or doing spin, but I will be dragging my fat ass in the pool for the water exercise classes.

I've always talked about doing that (water classes) but I always put it off or come up with an excuse not to go, but when our local gym runs a special during HEART MONTH I have to do it.

So, I will pack up my five year old never been used suit with a skirt and dive in step in carefully.

I will also pack my nitro.

We all remember the fiasco of 2015 when I went in for a stress test and ended up in the hospital before I stepped foot on the machine.

The thing about that though, is I felt normal, just a little winded from the walk through the parking lot and through the building, but I guess my "winded" is a technical cause for alarm.

I still don't think my doctor would have admitted me, but the attending physician wasn't going to take any chances.

But anyway, I'm too fat and that's hard on my heart, and I have been on my diet for almost a month and my weight has stalled and I really can't eat any fewer calories or I'll fall over, so exercise is where it's at, and it'll really blow be great!

And Wendy is joining too!

Let me tell you the best part about Wendy getting old and fat...

Everyone thinks that we are either friends or sisters because we are kind of at that "middle age" part of our life where we're kind of even.

Neither of us are young or old, and we both have a problem with portion control, so yesterday when I was signing up the lady said, "Don't worry, you don't have to give us your first born", I laughed and laughed and laughed and said, "Well it wouldn't hurt her if I did!" and then we all laughed and laughed and laughed and then Wendy ended up being half of a couples contract for twenty dollars more a month!

Wonderful right!?

Wendy has really bad Rheumatoid Arthritis you know, and is starting injections this month, so if she can shed a size or two she will feel so much better, but she doesn't want to do the pool, she wants to do weights and machines.

Wyatt and I are going to Seattle to see my niece Sarah and the newest member of the family, Charlotte next Wednesday.

I made her something amazing and I can't wait to show you, but it's a surprise so I can't post it now because she might read the blog.

I know she's only three months old, but she's very advanced.

We were lucky enough to get two brand new baby girls last year and they are both so wonderful and beautiful and smart and they even still have that new people smell, at least they did last time I saw them. 

Anyway, they are amazing.

My Sister is a Grammy and I wonder if she'll stay a Grammy or if those girls will personalize it like Hunter did when he put his own lisp twist on Granny.

The day I forever became Tranny.

He spent the night last Friday.

His Mom really missed him and asked me to send a picture so I went the extra step and sent her a video...
Never mind, I can't figure out how to video.
It's a REALLY cute one though.

Ok, I have to go find my swim cap, ciao'!

New Year New Projects

I have taken up sewing. 

Very simple sewing mind you, but sewing none the less. 

I started with an apron and a pattern from Sewing For Dummies pattern #1140.

I have to be honest, I think my favorite part of the entire project was picking out the fabric and let me tell you, if I was ever afraid of having a yarn obsession, fabric could be much, much worse.

Ok, so I picked my pattern, chose my fabric, then my sister taught me how to read the pattern which was great, but I kind of figured out (the hard way) that reading a pattern is just like reading a recipe or putting together a bookshelf from Ikea.
Simple if you follow directions, hair pulling and tears if you don't. 

I shed a few tears. 

I didn't do my fold, iron, pin and stitch correctly, but on the upside I learned how to pull stitches really well.

I started and finished a rug for my Grand Niece Faela Rose.

It's done with yellow and pink rose flannel sheets from my sister (her grammy)

I did it a new way in hope of sharpening my sewing skills and getting to know my sewing machine by sewing a fold over and connecting all my sheets. Usually I just rotary cut my strips and attach them with slips through slits as I go. This probably took longer, but the result was a cleaner, more finished look and the rose pattern showed through the entire rug. Imaging cutting a king size sheet in one inch strips and sewing it back together end to end... I am now a master machine threader!

I also started and finished a blanket for my other Grand Niece Charlotte Mae that is absolutley to die for!

I used Red Heart Snuggle Bunny Goldfish.

With a size 11 hook I did a granny straight stitch (I don't know if that's really what it's called) but it was perfect for this yarn!

If you're new to crochet, there's a great tutorial for a "running granny" at Dream A Little Bigger. Super simple and there are so many ways to use this great stitch. I love a big hook lofty design, so I always switch my patterns up a bit and just adjust for size.

Ummmm, what else.... I called a haul out company to come clean out the shop at the little house. There's no way we can rent it out anymore because of the antique non existant septic, so the shop had just become a catch all not only for me, but also the last three renters. 

It was so great, I felt like it was a trailerpark version of Hoarders as they hauled out two washing machines, a dryer, old mattresses, a freezer, tires, and anything else that was old, wet, moldy or broken. 

I swear, it was so liberating, and such a feeling of accomplishment. Even though I just stood there and pointed at stuff. Now I have room for hay without having to walk to the barn and don't have to worry about tripping and falling and breaking myself.

One more thing.

I've lost 14 pounds!

Great Aunty Tranny

I don't think I'm still sick, but mannnn, I have a cough that just won't quit.

I sound like and 90 year old man with an 80 year smoking habit.

We have a new girl in the family!

My nephew and his wife made a girl baby and she comes in right on the heels of her girl cousin that my niece and her husband made!

I'm so excited, but I have to figure out what the new kids are going to call me.

Their parents call me (crazy) Aunty M, and Wendy's kid calls me Tranny because he refuses to say gra and will only say tra and now it's just a thing that will never change, and if anyone refers to me as Granny he defends my title as though someones trying to take down the queen.

Get it? 

Tranny? 

Queen? 

So funny :D

Okay, so, I'm thinking the new kids can call me (crazy) Tranny M?

Or maybe Tranty M?

Because that incorporates the reference to the third hierarchy once removed...?

I don't know, I'll have to give this some thought.

Anyway, welcome to the family Faela Rose and Charlotte Mae, we're so happy to have you!

I'm in a cooking slump.

I'd like to think it's because I've been sick, but I would be fooling myself because it's been going on for the better part of the summer.

I made a kick ass crockpot lasagna last week, and I've made a rack or two of  really good BBQ ribs, but that's about it, everything else has sucked.

I follow new recipes to the letter, I go old school and still, I find myself feeding more to Pearl (the pig) than to us. 

Gross.

Tonight I think we'll have bologna sandwiches and macaroni and cheese.

I'm getting my soap stock built up again.

So far I have some coffee bean and pumpkin curing and up next will be some baby (for the girls) and then some Christmas soaps.

Nothing fancy, and so far nothing on the curing rack is scented, but I think I may throw some scent in my Christmas bars.

I've made some car seat size baby afghans that I need to weave the ends on and get listed and then get busy on some baby beenies for the Etsy shelves.

Maybe some slippers too.

And some rugs.

No infinity scarves this year though, I'm totally over those.

The Plague

I guess I just have to admit I'm a crappy blogger... I swear each time that I'm going to keep up and each time I do keep up for a few days, or maybe even a week or so and every day I'm always thinking to myself, "ha ha ha ha, this would be funny to blog about", but then I don't and then I pick up a sock or take a breath and immediately forget what it was I was going to blog about.

To sum things up... A lot of funny stuff has happened, along with some not so funny stuff and a lot of really dumb stuff too.

Today; I am sick and I have been sick for two days now thanks to being locked in a car with my bubonic children for eight+ hours last week. I may be dying, I'm not sure yet. I suppose if you don't hear from me again sometime within the next year I didn't pull through.

Here's something interesting... While Googling what I can take for my plague that won't screw with all my heart medication I came across Guaifenesin (Mucinex). I don't have Fibromyalgia, but did you know that there have been many studies done that are showing that Guaifenesin could be some sort of wonder drug for those that do have it? I'll give you the short story and then you can Google it yourself, but the jist of it is this, Fibromyalgia may be caused by a build up on your joints and tendons and this Guaifenesin stuff gets rid of the build up just like it loosens the gunk from your lungs. There's many opposing opinions, and so much information and the more I read, the more overwhelmed I became. I have many friends with Fibro, and all I can say is this, I have a new found empathy for all the noise and garbage you have to sift through to learn what works and what's best for you. From diets, to medications, to supplements, creams, candles and oils, I had no idea what it's like out there for all of you who suffer from this. If I was in charge, my prescription would be to eat cake and take a nap.

I found a great new DIY crappy craft to do. You do it first and let me know how it turns out, but I think they're so cool and I want to try it. Sharpie glasses.

How great are those!!

Ok, I have to go hack out what's left of my lungs, watch some NCIS and take a nap.

Facebook Fall Out

Facebook has ended our relationship. It's probably for the best, I'll move on and be more productive, until I get the hang of Twitter and then I'll be back to numb thumbs again, but for now, all's quiet on the home front.
Facebook said that since my name was Marilyn Isnevergettingmarriedagain I had to prove it with a scanned ID and other proof of identity and I said no and they said ok bye. Just like that. After nine years they just kick me to the curb AND my pages too! So, if youre a follower of the Supervisor page youre going to have to wait and see if I can sneak in some side door to make a new page, but for now it's all Twitter all the time.

I have tons going on right now. New crafts, crochet, signs, mod podge etc and I wish I knew how to sew and was already good at it. I joined an old lady group on FACEBOOK just so I could ask someone local to teach me how and now I'm ixnaed so that won't work and I'm afraid if I go on Craigslist and ask I'll get some wierdo perv who just wants to smell my feet and breathe on my neck.
I need an old lady who knows legit short cuts and cool things about sewing and not all the BS stuff that you learn at one of the craft store classes that don't teach sewing anyway. So dumb.
I wonder if YouTube has sewing classes.

It's almost fall and even though I'm not a full on pumpkin spice latte kind of girl, I do love all things autumnal. Pumpkin bread, banana bread, molasses cookies, stew in the crockpot. You know, the season of elastic waistbands, and sensible shoes. I'll try and post a link to something cool on Pinterest (not facebook because they SUCK) with every post, so here's this...
This is from highheelsandgrills.com

That's all for today, see you on Twitter and Instagram!