Brownies and Gin

I'm fat.

Like soft squishy grandma (or in my case Tranny) fat, except the problem is, grandmas don't look like me anymore. Now they all look like Kris Kardashian or Beverly Hills Housewives or even just Old Navy Gap grandmas and I don't know how this happened or even who gave the ok for it to happen. I blame it on Obama and the Internet. Because I don't know who else to blame. Facebook. Maybe Facebook too because everyone is always flaunting their perfect beer and gluten free dinner, hiking to the top of the world after forty pictures.

It really pisses me off Man, because I was ready for this job. I cook, I bake, I crochet, I have a great reading out loud voice, I go to bed early and I have a rotten heart condition so I get the grips and have to rest a lot. Doesn't all that fall into the grandmother job description? Not anymore. Listen, I want to be wearing elastic waistbands and shopping at the dollar store. I want to watch my stories in the afternoon and not be hassled about it. I have served my time with six husbands, two kids and multiple love interests and now I get the word that I still have to touch up my roots, trim my nethers (which I never knew was a thing until a year or so ago) and wax my facial hair and I don't want to. And on top of all this, it turns out that I need to do all of these things just because I'm a self respecting adult under ninety, not even because I'm trying to find a man, which, I most certainly am not.

Two days ago I was watching a movie with the Very Bad Baby (Who is not very bad nor is he a baby anymore but the name stuck) and as I reached for something he gasped in horror and said "TRANNY! Your armpits are falling out!!!" I'm not even kidding you, he thought my under arm flab was my armpit falling out. I think the child has been damaged for life, although when I explained to him that I just have old lazy arms he told me that his Papa had old lazy legs which immediately made me feel better.

So here's the rub. I have two great niecechildren being born in the next few months and a niece wedding to attend next summer and I would like to be down a size or two, but weight loss seems to constantly elude me and weight gain is consistently falling in my lap. And hips, and ass, and thighs...

All of these events will ultimately lead to photos with me in them at some time and I don't want to be the sweaty aunt with fallen armpits in the photos, or herded away from the horsdoeurves table, because right now, I swear to Jesus, this would be me. I even have the same outfit.

I can't get out and run a mile and I can barley hold back my own weight when fighting over a chicken leg. I've tried the juice diet, the low carb diet, the gluten free diet, the no sugar diet and none of it works... Long term. I am in the process of eating less meat and more real food like fruits and vegetables, but I'm telling you STRAIGHT up NONE of it tastes as good as Ben & Jerry's or warm brownies. And so, I'm at a loss. Not of weight, but ideas and hope of ever being hot again. Do I give in to my dream of the sweet life of elastic and polyester or do I keep up the fight? For now I guess I'll go eat some grapes and have a glass of water. Mainly because I don't have any Ben and Jerry's or brownies and gin.