No Hoes Allowed

There's a storm brewing in the park and it's with the guy who gives me the most grief and I hate having any confrontation with him because he's such an a-hole, and what makes me so so mad is that I really like his wife, and they totally use that against me. If I have a problem with, we'll call him "Bob" (because that's his name) his wife turns on me too, so then I have to deal with an a-hole and a nasty wife which totally sucks. "Bob" (his real name) has brought in a backhoe and is cutting up cars and dragging them all over his lot. Right? Are you effing kidding me? Who the F does that? I haven't made my move yet, mainly because I don't know what my move is going to be, but in a perfect world, the move would be made by "Bob" (his real name) by moving out of the park. I'm going to give the situation until tomorrow, and if his trashy p.o.s backhoe is still there, I'm gonna write him him up.

I've come to the conclusion that I like Netflix more than I like men, because when I'm done with a series on Netflix, I miss it and don't want to burn it's house down and destroy everything it's ever loved. I've started so many series on Netflix, some out of sheer desperation, they were to short, or too weird but I ended up loving them, maybe not everything about them, but enough to stick around to see how things end, and sometimes I'll even recommend them to friends when I'm finished, and  I haven't had one single husband that I would pass on to anyone I cared about. And the other thing about Netflix, is that it's all about me. If I have a busy day, I don't have to check in or explain anything, and it's always happy to see me when I'm ready. I can even switch things up to Hulu and Netflix doesn't say a word, no guilt trip, like "Oh really, Hulu again?" because I'd be all like "Yeah, Hulu can give me things you can't, like Fallon and Stewart and Schumer" but I never have to defend myself. And, Netflix is always improving to keep things interesting, and it doesn't even cost 20.00 a month, which is a drop in the ocean compared to what my last two three if you insist on counting the one I married twice husbands have cost me, and that's with added discs, so I can have Netflix three ways... DVD, streaming or iPhone. I think what I love most about Netflix though, is it's always there for me and my family, even the kid in the paper pants loves Netflix.

By the way, this is not an endorsement for Netflix, just something I was thinking about while I'm having my morning coffee with Netflix because this is the unexplainable way my brains work.

I have to go to school now, and just so you know, I am loving the classes on Treehouse and Codecadamy!

Stay Classy

Driving Miss Crazy

I told you we moved all the craft crap back from the little falling down house and I'm glad we did because now I have my mojo back. With everything in the same house again I am better able to start the two rugs I need to make and I made a batch of soap day before yesterday, the first one all summer. It's just so much easier when I can start something and then go about doing something else and pick up my project again ten minutes later instead of having to walk between houses or sit over there away from all the action here (wifi). The Etsy shop has been out of soap for a looooong time, so I'll be making a bunch of it to restock the shelves. This is the first one up, Lot #1 Tie Dye Tutti Frutti...

It's not an all fruit fusion, mostly just summer melons and it's super lightly scented. I figured the color was bold enough for a light scent. How do you like your soap and lotions, really scenty or a little scenty? I usually end up going light on all of my soaps, but then I smell other soaps that are really strong and love them. I'm conflicted.

I have two rugs I need to start, and I have them both already built in my brain, I just need to put them together, and with the rugs, starting is always the hardest part. I don't like the cutting because I'm afraid of the blade on the rotary cutter so I got a pair of those sword fighter gloves so I won't lose a finger, but the gloves are a size too big so my hands are sloppy when I'm cutting, but cutting goes so much faster than ripping, and ripping leaves strings allll overrrrr everyyyyything.

This is one I've already sold.

I know, you're probably thinking to yourself right now, "wow, if that's all this woman has to worry about she's got it made", but that's not true, I do have big problems. For one, I'm fat and have to deal with constant breast sweat and pokey underwires and two, I think I have a piano stealing vagrant living in the barn. Yes, you heard that right. A piano stealing vagrant living in the barn.

Yesterday Wyatt went to the barn to get some milk crates for his clothes, because I guess keeping your underwear in a dresser drawer is too mainstream and while he was up looking in one of the storage rooms, he realized he was standing in a big clean spot where one of those 1970's electric basement organs used to be. It didn't work and I've even tried to sell them (Yes, we have more than one. Many more than one. My Grampy was what some people may refer to as an "extreme" hoarder) on Craigslist, but seriously, who wants a circa 1970's electric organ like your Aunt Edith used to play at Christmas and family reunions. But that's not the point, the point is, how did someone back up to our barn and load up an organ and drive away un-noticed? So as I was texting Eric, the Assistant Park Supervisor to come down and walk through the barn with me, I pulled up last months power bill for the barn and it was almost TRIPPLE what it normally is. Right? So crazy! We went up and posted No Trespassing signs all over the barn, but couldn't find any evidence of anyone being there other than raccoons, possum, and skunks, and they can't read so it won't keep them out, but I have everyone in the park on high alert for any suspicious characters hauling pianos or any other goods and furniture out of the barn. I'll keep you posted of any developing situations.

Today is Wyatt's final drive to get his license. He has done so well during this entire course, that he has actually really screwed up his "poor student" standing, because, I have learned that if he likes, and is interested in something, he passes with flying colors. That's ok though, now I'll have driving privileges to suspend him from for poor grades. Sucks to be him in an Algebra class this year. 

Wendy and I are going to the Upper Left Corner of the Unites States of America to get my Mothers Volkswagen for me to use as a second car while she's in the nursing home (Another story for another day) so I don't have to drive the farm truck as a second when Wyatt is driving my car. I would look like a mountain woman coming into town for supplies if I had to drive that truck all the time, it's thirty+ years old with four different shades of peeling paint, moss growing in the cracks and bailing twine wrapped around the bumpers. My rubber boots, ill fitting clothes and bad hair do enough harm to my image, I don't need a shitty whip too.

Stay Classy~

That Smell

It's Monday, garbage day, thank God. Usually that isn't such a big deal, but three days ago I started to gag and die notice an odd smell every time I went to the fridge (which is often) and ended up spending a better part of the morning hosing down cleaning and disinfecting it. Even though this effort left me with a large sense of pride and personal satisfaction, as well as leaving Pearl the Pig with a full belly, the smell remained. My mind went immediately to the mice and snakes that the cat has brought in the house throughout the summer as offerings, and could we possibly have dead vermin under one of the appliances. I decided I needed some time to work out a plan, and that I would sit awhile with a hot cup of coffee while looking at Pinterest for a few hours minutes. When I reached for the powdered creamer the dish felt a little light so I went to the back corner cupboard to get the giant Costco container to refill it and it was then... that I smelled... The foulest stench... To have ever been stenched by any living thing on the face of this earth. Potatoes, rotting potatoes, they were the cause of the smell that had then been released by the opening of the cupboard door, the smell that could have very well caused bodily and spiritual harm, rotting, molding, liquefied, potatoes that had spilled out of the bag and run all o v e r the cupboard. I looked over at Wyatt who had fallen to the floor, writhing and covering his face and burning eyes with a towel and very calmly told him to put a few things that mattered to him in a sack and go stand in the driveway while I poured the gas and lit the match to burn the place to the ground. Then I had to stop and mentally go over the insurance value of the barn house and decided that wasn't a viable option. I briefly considered moving, but decided that I would have to clean the cupboard to sell the place anyway, and then clean everything else and pack boxes, and then move all of our shit in and out of cars and trucks and then unpack somewhere else, and then, the probabilities of something like this happening again, e.g the hard boiled egg in Wyatt's dresser incident of '07, were high. That left me with only one option, clean the corner cupboard of the liquefied potato waste.

The rest of the story is really too horrible to repeat, and I would for sure have to put an NC 17 rating on this post due to language, so let me just wrap it up by saying it will be a while before we consume anything potato based in this house again and an even longer time before purchasing and storing excessive amounts of potatoes.

So now you are probably wondering why the excitement of garbage day, when we obviously don't have the stench in the house anymore. Right, we don't, but, we were faced with a new problem yesterday when Wyatt went in to the utility room to start a load of wash. He came running out into the living room with the same towel over the face routine, and I looked at him and shook my head and told him he was definitely over playing whatever it was that was causing this display of over reaction. He said we had another smell so horrible he couldn't even breathe due to his melting nose hairs and the burning in his lungs. I almost threw a shoe at him, but thought better (CPS, jail time and court fees) of it and decided to go have a look. Let me just tell you, whatever the smell in the cupboard, it was a day at Disneyland compared to the vile smell in the utility room. With bleeding eyeballs, and failing lungs we set to work of finding the source. We started going through every single thing in that room, one at a time, item by item, taking things out arm full by arm full. At one point, I emptied a little trash can into a bigger trash can and sent Wyatt out to empty it, and that's when it happened. Remember when you used to watch cartoons and an anvil would fall out a ten story window onto someones head and the scream that would follow?

Yeah. That was Wyatt. So. I guess I may have tossed a salmon skin from dinner two nights before straight into the trash without wrapping it or putting it in a sealed bag, and I guess I may have put it in the outside garbage so it wouldn't stink up the inside garbage. That's what the smell was, the rotten potato met the stinking salmon and what followed was a heinous stew of decomposing, 100+ degree swill that was wafting in through the open windows of the utility room.

We sealed the garbage can and moved it into the yard far away from the house and may God help the garbage man when he picks it up in the morning.

That's why I'm glad it's Monday. How was your weekend?

Too Hot To Be Cool

Seriously, this weather is kicking my ass. Today will be the third day in a row of it being over 100 degrees and I know that some of you may be saying, "so", but for Oregon, this is end times. I think if I was tall and thin and blond and in a bikini laying on a rock at the river my outlook would be completely different, but short, fat, on the very south side of forty, on a trailer park farm in a tie died mumu and Birkenstocks, it totally sucks. The ONLY thing about this weather that I love is the line dried clothes, especially sheets and blankets. Towels are a close second mostly because I live to hear the howls from the bathroom when Wyatt gets out of the shower and rubs his skin off with a fresh towel. It's the only way I can think of to get him to use a towel more than once. It's only the first time that hurts. This is way off topic and probably a story for another day, but honest to God when I was a kid, we lived in a tent and then a house without electric heat (only wood), a regular stove or oven (only wood) and NO dryer. We had to hang dry all of our clothes next to the wood stove and you don't know how effing ridiculous until you have to put on line dried underpants and jeans so stiff they stand alone. I know you think I'm making this up so I'll give you all the stupid details later. Remind me though, because I'll probably forget.

What was I talking about? The heat. Whatever, I'm over it. David Olsen.

Here's a picture of my linens on the line. How dumb is it that I have a snowflake flannel sheet hanging... I use it as a blanket.

As I was out getting the laundry this morning Buddy, the blackishbrown and white dog laid down to chew a stick in front of our little house. That was the house that I came home to when I was born and then for the following forty or so years it was used as a rental, but the last few years has been hard on that little house, and it's started falling apart. The chimney side wall is falling off, the floors are falling in, the widows don't fit any more and birds fly in and the blackberries have taken over. Wendy and Jesay even lived there right after they got their kid, and I loved it when they were my neighbors, but I guess I'm glad if it had to come to an end, that it ended with them. Kind of a full circle in my heart.

I was going to use it as my craft house and hauled all my junk over there, but it's too far gone even for that. So we hauled all my junk back to the barn and now that all my stuff is back in the utility room. I think I'll make some soap today, the Etsy store has been out for a long time.

Here's the falling down house with the resident coyote control officer.

Next. 

I'm having a problem. My dad had stainless steel teapots on his boat and I of course inherited them. For years I never used them because they just didn't really go with anything, but then I decided to use them anyway and because I used them they sat on my stove and got all my cooking junk on them and even though I would wipe them down and wash them they still got gunky and now I have two gunked up stainless steel teapots that I have been forever trying to clean (before I put them away again). I have tried the green Scotch Bright pads and Barkeepers Friend and even Melaleuca Tub and Tile because hand to Jesus that stuff will clean the spots off a hog, but nothing is working. The big flat areas look great but the cracks won't budge. Any ideas?

Surf & Turf

She's here!!!

Faela Rose, July 28, 6lb 13oz.

Congratulations to both families, a blessing indeed!

I have so much to talk about, I'm not sure where to begin.

It's hot.

Like hot as in really hot.

Hot as in really hot as in boob sweat, back of the knee sweat, can't breath, too fat to be this hot, hot.

104 today.

Our house is an old barn, so in the winter we freeze because the barn house doesn't have much in the way of insulation, and huge almost floor to ceiling single pane windows. We have a pellet stove for heat in the ballroom size living room and kitchen and then we close everything else off and have the plug in radiator heaters on wheels to heat the bedrooms and a plug in heater for the bathroom. If we didn't do it that way our heating expenses would be equivalent to the national debt. In the summer it's a whole other problem. With all of the giganto windows, most of them south facing and no central air and no windows to put an AC unit into, we shut the place down like a cave, only opening blinds and doors after the sun passes to try and get a cross breeze. The only room that has a window AC is my bedroom, so Wyatt and I have recliners and a tv in there and have even discussed a mini fridge. That room is huge too though so it's even hard to keep it cool. I know, I know, first world problems, but hear me out, because of my rotten heart, being that hot is a total downer for me and being on all the ridiculous medication that slows me down to snail speed, the added heat really sucks.

We have chicks!

So far I have two hens that have cracked eight chicks and one hen still setting in the garage. The two

"normal" hens hatched their brood in the hen house, but not Miss Priss, she's too good for the coop and has to have the luxury of a private room indoors. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her and her offspring when they hatch because they need to have the protection of the coop. We have so many hawks and crows, things could get ugly fast.

There is also the major problem of coyotes that has devastated so much of our menagerie. I have lost geese, sheep, peacoks, guinea hens and most recently our black angus cat. That was a real heart breaker. They all are, but to lose our cat was very, very sad. So, I learned to shoot. Jesse, my Granny Baby Daddy came out and dusted off the .22 from the closet, loaded it up and taught me how to hit a target, and believe it or not, I didn't suck. As a matter of fact, I like to fancy myself as a bit of a Tranny Oakly even. In case you're new here, I'm a tranny because my granny child talks funny and can't say a hard "G" so I'm "tranny" instead of "granny". Imagine the looks in Walmart. Now, you would think since I'm loaded and ready for bear, I would be making short work of those mothereffing coyotes, but you'd be wrong. I haven't seen one in two weeks, so obviously the little bastards are smarter than I thought and have sent out some sort or pack wide alert that I'm not just standing on the porch yelling "BANG" anymore. And that's ok, because I'm ready for them whenever they decide to show their blood thirsty little faces around here again and please don't go all Peta on me because I am a just a trailer park farmer protecting my livestock.

Dinner.

I have been swimming in fish lately. Maybe because it's been so hot, maybe because I just dig fish, but for whatever reason, I love it and so should you. Tonight I'm making salmon and I'm going to share with you the best way to prepare it taught by generations of fisherman from the Island where I grew up. I don't have a photo of my own so I found this one by lovintheoven.com that will give you the basic idea...

Doesn't that look great! 

Ok, that's an awesome start, now add some onion slices under the lemon and some brown sugar on top of the butter.

 

Wrap it up tight in the foil and toss in a 350 degree oven or a hot barbecue for about twenty minutes and boom! You have the best salmon you've ever laid a fork on!

Do you notice how I even put sugar on my fish...

I want to talk about some crochet projects I have going and my soap room redo, but I think I've said enough for today and I can tell your getting bored so I'll talk about that stuff later.

Ode to Wyatt

Wyatt has been gone for three days. Three long days. That's three days that I have had to feed and water the dogs and cats which is his job but I always end up doing anyway so the only difference is there's no one to yell at for having to do it myself. There is no one else going to the kitchen so I can't say "while you're up" to anyone, I have to get everything myself. I have to check out all the weird smells and noises myself, switch the laundry myself, watch whatever I want to watch on Netflix myself so there's no one else to blame for a crappy viewing choice, I have to talk to myself or the dogs which means everyone agrees with everything I say which in turn can lead to an extremely inflated sense of self, but worst of all is there's no one to make fun of or laugh with. I really miss him and it's giving me a glimpse into my future when he turns fortyish and decides to leave home or move into the attic and I will of course be too fat and immobile to make it up all those stairs thirty years from now so I'll have to bang on the ceiling with sticks and ring bells and text him to come down which I know good and well he won't.

Oh my gawd, what am I going to do...

Remember that movie Misery with Kathy Bates?

Did you watch American Horror Story Coven with Kathy Bates? She was awesome, and I loved that Stevie Nicks was in it too. That really was a PERFECT part for her. So scary. Yeah, Wyatt and I watched that together. Maybe he'll come home tomorrow. I know he's having so much fun with his friends (that aren't me, even though I am SUPER fun) and has been going downtown and doing all kinds of super fun sixteen year old stuff even though I used to be sixteen and knew all the super fun cool things to do and places to go but not really because I was married and had Wendy on my sixteenth birthday, but I am SO fun now, I can't imagine why he would want to leave home for threelonnnnngdays! Whatever. His loss, there will be tons of crocheting and documentary watching and water bowl filling, food dish washing fun going on here without him. W That my friends is a big W for winning because hear me when I say this, in the over seventy crowd they hate me cuz they aint me!

I aint missing you at all Wyatt!

W

Inquisitive Me

The kid in the paper pants is here today. I totally forgot he was coming so while I was quietly enjoying a cup of coffee watching The Daily Show in my underwear the mouth of South Clackamas County ran in at full volume. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's here I just hadn't mentally prepared myself for WWE in the front room and conversations based solely around the question "why" all day. Do you know how long I've already been writing this post? You would cry if I told you. Why? Because you would. Why? You just would. Why? Because every forty six seconds HC throws something at the back of my head and THEN yells "catch!" and then he asks me why I didn't catch it and then he yells at the dog to give back whatever it was that he threw at me that the dog caught and then the dog runs towards the door to go play outside and then the chickens start to cackle and then he asks me why chickens can't have words and why do chicken babies live in eggs and he's pretty sure he didn't live in an egg his mom pooped him out and it probably stunk and I didn't poop his mom out because I'm not his moms mom I'm tranny and he loves Wyatt and Aunt Juee where is Aunt Juee oh she's with her kid who's having a baby is she going to poop a baby or is it coming in an egg and where's the picture book of me swimming can you get it can you get it pweeeeeeeese pweeeeeese pweeeeeeese can you get it right now can I watch Spickle Me (Despicable Me) can you put it on for me what the heck it's on a DVD how does it work look I made this guy.

Please excuse the picture quality, it was an action shot.

And now, he is quietly (for the minute) watching Spickle Me in the bedroom. Dear God he must be exhausted, I know I am.

Wendy and I went to the Apple Store yesterday. For five hours. To get a phone replaced on Warranty. Did you know that you need to make an appointment at the Apple Store? We didn't either. So we waited. And waited and waited and then we walked around the mall which was really an experience if you haven't been to the mall since 2002ish. Wow. I think the most shocking part about the mall was that it was beautiful but empty. There were some sections that didn't even have any stores, just empty store fronts for lease, and I was also surprised at how many people were there and if all those people were there, why are there so many empty stores. Why?

I looked at all the shiny new iMacs and even some Macbooks at the Apple Store and decided that until I actually start earning money from my new career choice I am going to go with a PC for a fraction of the price. Kind of like training wheels. Also, with a PC I can do customer service work from home which you can't do with a Mac. I wonder why that is? Well anyway it is, so I will learn the art of Windows and get to it. Any suggestions on laptop, all-in-one's or monitor/tower? I've never bought a PC before, so all input is welcome.